Swimsuit models, top athletes and morphological oddballs alike are drawn in equal measure to Chiva Som, Thailand's holy grail of health retreats. That such opposites feel right at home here is a tribute to this pre-Sports Illustrated utopia. Since it's founding in 1995, Chiva Som has become the gold standard by which all destination spas are measured.
Serena Williams checked in just after her first Melbourne Open win. David and Victoria Beckham discovered Chiva Som and subsequently gabbed to their inner circle to go, post haste. (The resort was booked solid the following peak season.)
Jude Law and Hugh Grant also made a go of it – separately of course – checking their mobiles and monogrammed shirts at the door. Kate Moss, Kylie Minogue, Elle Macpherson, Elizabeth Hurley and Naomi Campbell resort to Chiva Som to keep trim for those midriff-revealing photo shoots. On the official testimonials page, Macpherson dubs it “Club Med for holistic junkies” while Hurley calls it a “ravishing health spa where you can lose weight, calm down and be pampered into oblivion.”
Visiting the right spa at the right time has proven life-changing for me. Indeed, when my muffin top and buffalo-mozzarella bottom have me feeling vulnerable, the spa's mantra matters more than their menu. Sure, Chiva Som is the pièce de résistance of spa culture – but with only five nights at my disposal, can it really kick-start my body back into a bikini?
As the market in detox, de-stress and anti-aging rapidly expands, how could I be sure of the authenticity of the online buffet of spa escapes before pulling the trigger on a five-figure expense? The answer, aficionados say, is the resort's reputation. No other retreat is regarded with the same reverence as Chiva Som.
Nestled within seven acres of lush tropical gardens and pristine Hua Hin beachfront, the health resort offers just 58 rooms – many with spectacular views of the Gulf of Thailand. Beyond lies a sea so calm fishing boats barely need to drop anchor to hover above their lobster lures. Focusing on greater vitality, Chiva Som offers extensive fitness, spa and holistic health facilities. While the Fortune 500 set colonizes the beachfront pool, the bathing pavilion is a sea of bobbing ponytails.
On arrival I'm encouraged to slip into the provided Chiva Som “day pyjamas” – light-as-air cotton trousers and top, with a pair of bamboo flip-flops. Every stay starts with a meeting with your own health and wellness adviser. During this holistic consultation, your body measurements, weight and blood pressure are taken, along with a medical history. With a menu of more than 120 treatments, it's great to have a point person guide you through the benefits. I have my picture taken by the only non-contraband camera allowed on the property – the photographs are used to track your progress. (The strict no-photography rule protects the privacy of guests.) On my first night at the world's most exclusive health retreat, I'm too amped-up to sleep. I imagine tomorrow's pool scene: Argentine football players reclining recklessly in glowing white robes, Andy Roddick towelling off in the sunshine.
While I fail to spot any top seeds on deck the next morning, there's certainly enough eye candy to keep the scene interesting. I'm amazed at all the poolside scribbling that goes on in the Chiva Som diaries provided at check in. In the age of android phones, it's the most hand-to-paper action I've seen since taking the LSAT. These pilgrims are driven; personalized programs cover everything from weight management and smoking cessation to skin rejuvenation and anti-aging regimens. Despite the sophisticated medical services available, Chiva Som keeps the clinical vibe to a minimum – the pharmacy is more Whole Foods than Rexall and the physiotherapy suite? Cozy as a baby nursery. The retreat is the epitome of calm, cool and collected.
