For these B-listers, bad acting is the reality

ANDREW RYAN

From Friday's Globe and Mail

Reality television was created on the backs of the formerly famous. Long before viewers were subjected to B-list hoofers on Dancing with the Stars, there was The Osbournes. Focusing on ex-celebrities has never been the most honourable reality-TV sector, but the genre has bottomed out with The Two Coreys (Sunday, A&E at 10 p.m.).

In this case, the subjects are Corey Feldman and Toronto-born Corey Haim, two former child stars who first met on the set of the 1987 cult-film hit The Lost Boys. The pair became fast friends during shooting and went on to co-star in more films together, including License to Drive and Dream a Little Dream. For a very brief period in the mid-eighties, the duo were known as the Two Coreys, and their beaming little mugs were plastered all over the teen magazines.

Apparently the two Coreys maintained their friendship into their 20s and early 30s, even as both suffered the indignity that seems to befall every ex-child star: complete rejection by the industry that created them. That's showbiz, kids.

The majority of former child stars eventually adopt a normal existence, while others appear content with occasional TV work parodying their former personas (Emmanuel Lewis, a.k.a. Webster, and Gary Coleman, a.k.a. the kid from Diff'rent Strokes, are always turning up on late-night talk shows).

In the case of the two Coreys, however, we have two ex-child stars, both still clinging to the past, and still waiting for their big showbiz comeback. The dreams of the delusional are now reality fodder.

Somehow The Two Coreys could only exist on A&E, the network of Gene Simmons: Family Jewels and, less recently, Growing Up Gotti. In the contrived premise, Feldman is presented as the stable Corey.

The program claims Feldman has put his past problems with substance abuse behind him and describes him as a successful “working actor” (even though his most recent credits include voice work on Robot Chicken and something called Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!).

Now living the good, clean life with his wife, Susie – the pair took their vows on the reality series The Surreal Life in 2002, with the ceremony performed by MC Hammer – Feldman is supposedly the picture of former child-star contentment and inner peace.

Then there's the other Corey, who is portrayed as an emotional wreck in the program.

Although he's also conquered his old drug demons, Haim has worked even less than Feldman in recent years; most of his acting has been limited to direct-to-video movies: Haim's most current role was in a feature called Universal Groove, which was filmed in 1999 and not released until 2007. Unlike Feldman, Haim remains single and is still desperately searching for his soulmate.

And the show's entire premise: The two Coreys need each other. Haim is looking for stability and for assistance in restarting his acting career, which improbably leads him to move in with the Feldmans. Just like that. In allegedly candid interview segments, Haim says he wants to resurrect the two Coreys one more time. And have the two Coreys changed over the years? The program steals from The Odd Couple by painting the two friends as diametric opposites. The first episode depicts Feldman as a staunch vegetarian, a non-smoker and a neat freak. Naturally, that means Haim is a devoted carnivore and a chain-smoker and messier than Oscar Madison.

Resulting tension from the pair's co-habitation sustains every frame of The Two Coreys. Most of the scenes in the first show find Haim engaged in bitter arguments with his old amigo's wife – there seems to be some jealousy issues between the two. Susie, meanwhile, seems to enjoy goading the unstable Corey at every opportunity.

By the second episode, Haim has lured Feldman back to smoking again, and both men are sneaking cigarettes all over the place. When all attempts to quit the nasty habit fail, Susie sends the pair to a native-American sweat lodge, which doesn't help one little bit.

And as on every A&E reality series, the human drama of The Two Coreys seems forced, possibly even scripted in some scenes – and badly scripted at that. Each outing in the series ends with a valuable life lesson learned, and hugs. It's reality TV with a message.

The real sad truth: Neither former child star possesses the acting ability to make The Two Coreys believable.

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