The Globe and Mail

Everyone began texting.

IZ HE ALIVE?

I THINK HE MIGHT B DEAD.

HE’ZNT BREATHING.

I CAN C HIS ARTERIES

One student, William, got up to go to the bathroom, but Mr. Fraser roared, so William quickly sat down. Mr. Fraser picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on the board:

I'M HUNGRY

Mr. Fraser leaned on the edge of his desk and remained very still while his students began their in-class essays. To their credit, the students put a good deal of thought and effort into them.

For example, Krista described her friend Brody, to her right:

“I don’t think Brody would taste very good. She hardly eats anything, so I don’t know how she manages to keep what meat on her she actually has. Like yesterday she ate five dried cranberries and a can of diet soda that I’m convinced she threw up afterwards. So if you ate Brody, she’d mostly be bones. I suppose you could put her into a pot and boil her for a few hours to make gravy, but it’d taste funny because she uses this stinky new hair product she got a sample of at the mall from this salesman guy who probably didn’t even realize her hair is 50 per cent hair extensions.”

Young Kyle wrote the following words about Pablo, to his left:

“I suppose that if I were stranded in the Andes and had to eat one of the people in the room, it’d have to be Pablo. The guy eats and eats and eats, and it really shows. I mean, he’s got a muffin top on his wrists above his watch, so don’t tell me he wouldn’t make a kickass barbecue. He’s also really slow on his feet, so if you had to chase him, he’d pretty much be yours. But it’d be easier to put a bag of chips in the middle of a rope lasso and snag him that way. He has no free will with food. Punchline? He thinks that if he goes to the gym twice a week his stomach’s going to look cut. As if.”

Young Caitlyn wrote about Steve, to her left:

“I think with Steve the issue isn’t quantity so much as quality. At first glance you’d think Pablo is the best candidate, but then you have to look at what he actually eats, which is chemicals, chemicals, chemicals. He’s got so many preservatives in him that he could easily be a member of the walking dead. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a member of the walking dead.) But for a more gourmet experience, you’d have to be choosier. Steve’s grandparents are hippies, and some of it stuck with his parents, so in general Steve doesn’t eat as much junk as everyone else does. On the down side, he has zero body fat, which means washboard abs, but also zilch in the tastiness department.”

Jason wrote this about Cleo:

“It depends what you’re looking for in a human. If you want grease and have no regard for your own body, throw Pablo onto the roasting spit and you’re done. Be sure and bring 10 gallons of barbecue sauce, and after you’re sated, you can leave him on the spit and the seagulls will take care of the remains. I’d choose … Cleo. She’s not a jock (no tough fibres; much more tender) and she doesn’t buy junk food from the vending machines.

“I also don’t think she’s on any meds or anything. I don’t know if meds would change the flavour of a person, but my uncle’s a chef, and he says it’s the details that make for a dining experience. Oh – she also has a stable home life, so she wouldn’t taste like fear.”