For those who haven't heard about the Figes affair, here it is, in brief. Renowned historian Orlando Figes, professor of history at Birkbeck College in London and author of esteemed books on Russia history and culture, has been caught with trousers down after writing what he supposed were “anonymous” reviews on Amazon.com. He trashed the works of other historians (Rachel Polonsky and Robert Service), while hugely puffing up his own book, The Whisperers (“leaves the reader awed, humbled yet uplifted”).
Apparently a bit of a novice in the mechanics of online chicanery, “Historian,” his moniker, was soon busted. He denied the accusation, threatening to sue, then churlishly claimed the reviews were written by his wife (a Cambridge law professor), before admitting that: Yes, it was he, Orlando Figes, for who knows what reason, stress, perhaps, who savaged others' books while claiming greatness for his own.
It's caused quite a dust-up in the English books world. And Figes has taken medical leave from Birkbeck. But it got us to thinking: How would pre-Internet-age writers have reacted to rivals' books? Trawling through our own imaginary amazon.com, we found Figes-like e-views of contemporary works, the identity of their authors cunningly concealed.
Beatrice & Virgil, by Yann Martel
Reviewed by Snowball1984
After Life of Pi, we might have expected better than this unsightly mash of Holocaust allegory, talking stuffed animals, blocked playwrights and taxidermy. Never mind that its conception is entirely second-hand and schoolboyish. If you're really after a profound allegorical short novel featuring animal protagonists – not to mention antagonists – then I vigorously recommend Animal Farm, by the unfailingly brilliant George Orwell. It's a stunning, timeless, admonitory tale, and much stronger on the dangers of totalitarianism than Martel's enervated fable. That's partly owing to Orwell's unparalleled insight into human political motivation, but also to his inspired choice of creature. Whereas Martel errs badly in using a donkey and a monkey, Orwell has sagely chosen pigs as the much more human symbol. Every word this brave man wrote is secular gospel; may he endure in perpetuity. * (out of 5)
Memoirs, by Pierre Elliott Trudeau
Reviewed by rubiconcrosser
By the sword of Mars, this book alarms me! That there was ever such a phenomenon as Trudeaumania speaks ill of the judgment of the Canadian people (whoever they may be) in giving fealty to their leaders. From the strange fringed garment the author wears on the cover image (a sacred adornment of some sort?) to the unmanliness of the endless haggling over rights and obligations, this book reveals a man unfit to lead his people to the dinner table, never mind in war or peace. His handling of civil unrest is feeble; he puts to death not a single enemy. For real leadership of a nation in turmoil, you must consult The Civil Wars, by Julius Caesar, the first and greatest of Rome's emperors. It is the classic story of how one strong man, a strategic genius and an inspiring stylist, solved the internecine battles not only of Rome, but of Egypt. His murder at the hands of treacherous assassins will be lamented throughout history. Et tu Pierre! * (out of 5)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling
Reviewed by hobbitforming
Try though I might, I cannot account for the success of this ghastly series, of which this is the seventh and – thank God – final volume. These books about a boy wizard, his pallid schoolmates and the dangers they face from the forces of evil are not only highly derivative, they're derivative in the worst way, illustrating at every turn the author's failure to grasp the various mythologies that continue to inform our lives. Far better, and shorter, series is the timeless trilogy The Lord of the Rings, by that most eminent and beloved Oxford scholar, J.R.R. Tolkien. In that enchanting and enchanted tale, you will meet real heroes (Frodo and his fellowship are like you, only shorter and with hairier toes), a wizard, Gandalf, who dwarfs the puny powers of the Hogwarts staff, and, giving off the stench of hellfire, Sauron, a truly dark and wicked lord of whom Voldemort is the palest imitation. Tolkien writes rings around Rowling. * (out of 5)
