According to Media in Canada, a usually reliable guide to the marketing-and-advertising racket, Swiss Chalet is about to launch a “24/7 Rotisserie Channel.” Or as Media in Canada puts it in the parlance of the racket it covers, “The QSR is taking branded entertainment to the next level with an all-chicken channel on Rogers digital cable.”
Far as I can tell, “QSR” means “quick serve restaurant.” It could be “quite saucy ribs” in this context, but we’ll stick with quick serve restaurant. As eagle-eyed viewers will be aware, the restaurant chain has been using the idea of a Rotisserie Channel in its commercials. Now it’s going to be a reality.
Put aside the brazen cheek of an entire channel devoted to selling a fast-food chicken chain. Worse is inflicted on innocent Canadians by the slick geniuses of the cable con game. One hopes that the Rotisserie Channel comes free, but you never know with those geniuses. Also one assumes it will be a carbon copy of the Fireplace Channel, a favourite of mine.
See, the Fireplace Channel is always there on one of the TVs at the Football Factory, a haunt of yours truly. Believe me, there are times when I’ve been so bored watching a repeat of the atrocious Queen’s Park Rangers play Scunthorpe or some other such mediocre outfit in the lower divisions of English soccer that I turn over to the Fireplace Channel and enjoy myself with abandon. Especially on one of those non-school nights when I’m making my way through 14 pints.
Anyway, the imminent arrival of the ambient and undoubtedly mesmerizing Rotisserie Channel causes me to speculate on ambient digital channels that we truly, totally need.
The Don Cherry Channel: An endless loop of the wacky old guy going, “The best thing about this game, there’s no Russians or Swedes playing.” “Fightin’ is part of the game.” “Shut up, pinkos.” “Dougie Gilmour, great guy, what a guy, eh? “I’m tellin’ ya, I’m tellin’ ya.”
The Tim Hortons Channel: A videocam in a real Tim’s somewheres, eh? People rolling up the rim to win and nobody winning nothing but another free coffee. And saying “nobody winning nothing.” Over and over. An ideal for people in Toronna who wonder what it’s like in the rest of Canada. And to learn that “coffee” is properly pronounced, “cawfee.”
The Oscar Nonsense Channel: An endless loop of people who actually care, going, “Oh my god, Natalie Portman should totally win.” Also, the full text, onscreen, of some blogger’s “What Oscar Got Wrong” post. This channel, a short-term one for sure, and only useful at this time of the year, would be a big hit with insomniacs and also comfort the delusional who think the Oscars matter in the slightest.
The Words And Phrases We Can Now Live Without Channel: On the screen, a handy list of overused words and trendy phrases: “Man Up,” “Wiggle Room,” “It’s the economy, stupid,” “Message me,” “Wow factor,” “Transparency and accountability.” This channel would be extremely useful in bars and restaurants populated by people who are on television a lot.
The Where Are They Now Channel: Onscreen, ceaseless text of news about the whereabouts and doings of Stéphane Dion, Joe the Plumber, Jon Gosselin, Hosni Mubarak and others. Also useful in bars and restaurants populated by people who are on television a lot – they’d get loads of story ideas.
The Sports Cliché Channel: Onscreen, the long, long, list of mind-numbing clichés used by fools on TV and sports fans who don’t know how to think for themselves. “We’re taking it one game a time.” “It’s a beautiful day for baseball.” “He’s capable of going the distance.” “We’re sticking with our game plan.” “They just wanted it more.” A channel that would be very useful for people who don’t care about sports but find themselves in a sports bar. Or to be shown constantly in a Tim Hortons, to be watched by people after they’ve rolled up the rim to win and only won another cawfee.
The Kitties Playing Piano Channel: There’s so much of this stuff on YouTube that there must be enough material for an entire channel. Also, it might stop people from sending me links to YouTube videos of kitty playing the piano.
Fox News North: Less slick pundits in less expensive suits talking about “Liberals, Socialists” and “Getting the job done.” But occasionally saying “eh” and making obscure Stéphane Dion jokes. Closed captioning brought to you in part by the Don Cherry Channel. As it happens, this idea has been taken already.
AIRING TONIGHT
Republic of Doyle (CBC, 9 p.m.) starts with a warning that it features “mature content.” This is a fib. There’s nothing mature going on at all, which is the point. Jake and Mal are called to investigate death threats that have been made to a psychiatrist. Jake and Leslie find themselves struggling in their new romantic relationship. Poor, wee, adorable Sergeant Leslie Bennett (Krystin Pellerin) is pining for Jake. Or is she? Anyway, Nicholas Campbell shows up and goes, “Look at this face. What do you see? Don’t answer that.” Genius.
Check local listings.
