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Just five nights before Christmas, in a land not that far,

Kinder Morgan was desperate for some decent PR.

Up in his office, behind a great wooden door,

The company's boss was pacing the floor.

"WestJet has done it! Air Canada too!"

"Tugging at heart strings is what we need to do!"

"But they're offering flights," came the lackey's reply,

"And presents for poor folks in places they fly."

"Yes, I saw the ad, I think we can do better,

Tyler, your iPad! Take down a letter!"

"Wanted: The best creative team in the nation,

Someone to shine up our dull reputation."

"We need something fresh to pull out of this spiral,

Most important of all, it has to go viral."

And so they arrived – the best minds in the business.

The admen, the crew – all the marketing whizzes.

They needed a plot for the brand new commercial,

Their godsend, from L.A. – a director named Herschel.

"Work with me people," he said with a start.

"I know what you're used to, but this will be art."

He thought long and hard, drank lattes all night,

"I've got it," he cried, "It begins with a flight!

"We fade up from black, Santa's caught in a blizzard,

The reindeer are freezing, right down to the gizzard.

"And there down below – just east of the Rockies,

A warm, friendly glow, and some brave pipeline jockeys.

"Santa descends and lands in the snow,

He's surrounded by roughnecks who all seem to know

"That Christmas is lost if he doesn't get through,

They come up with a plan – and here's what they do:

"The TransMountain Pipeline – not yet operational,

(Stay with me here – this is sensational)

"The line is complete all the way to B.C.

But pending approval from the damn NEB.

"'I'm grounded,' says Santa – 'this is as far we go,

I can't get these presents through the wind and the snow.

"'The kids of B.C. will wake up tomorrow,

With no Christmas joy in their hearts, only sorrow.'

"'But wait,' says a roughneck – 'Christmas ain't toast,

What we have here is a tube to the coast.

"'We'll pack in the presents, one at a time,

And shoot them to B.C., right through this line.'

"'You think it'll work?' asked the Jolly Old Elf,

'Damned if it won't, I tried it myself.'

"We see Kinder Morgan workers jump to the task,

To load up the gifts before Christmas Eve passed …

"And now come the drone shots," said Herschel, with pride,

"There's nothing like aerials to get them on side."

"We follow the pipeline from here to B.C.

To a freighter that's docked in North Burnaby."

"The pipeline, it rumbles, it groans – filled with rancour,

Then presents cascade into the hold of a tanker.

"A mountain of gaily wrapped Christmastime gifts,

Brimming right up to the deck of the ship.

"The ship disappears into fog like a ghost,

To deliver the presents to kids on the coast.

"But now comes the twist," says Herschel, so merry,

"The captain steers starboard just missing a ferry,

"The sea, it was angry that Christmas Eve night,

The crew, with their cargo, wouldn't give up the fight.

"But despite their best efforts the ship runs aground,

Somewhere just east of Queen Charlotte Sound …

"With a thump and a shudder the ship breaks apart,

Its Christmastime contents consumed by the dark.

"Fade now to black with an ominous drone,

Then back up to daylight and a whole different tone.

"And now we see sand, a close-up of beach,

And as we pull out – there – just out of reach,

"Is a beautiful box with a festive red bow,

We hear children's voices – at first very low,

"The shot pulls out wider, the children come running,

And below on the beach a scene beyond stunning,

"As far as the eye can even explore,

Thousands of presents litter the shore.

"'I got a PlayStation!' 'I got a phone!'

They grab what they can and hurry for home.

"Even the orcas poke up from the fray,

They're smiling and happy and eager to play.

"And so there it is, your redemptive commercial,

And if it doesn't work, well, my name isn't Herschel.

"What we have here is Christmas perfection,

Something that gives you that human connection."

And with that the director sat back in his chair,

Trying to read the CEO's stare.

"I love it! It's brilliant! When do we shoot?"

"It's all CGI, so the schedule's moot."

"But the ship, it breaks up – isn't that bad?"

"I dunno, look around you, is anyone sad?"

"And the voice-over – I'm thinking it has to sound lyrical."

"Dude, all they'll remember is the KM Christmas miracle."

Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.

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