An unusually quiet Monday, 9 a.m., Victoria …
Minister: Okay, people, it's a new week – we need a new issue. Something to mobilize the public. Let's hear some pitches.
Minion #1: Sir, the Metro Vancouver transportation referendum looks like it might go down to defeat. A new poll suggests that there's …
Minister: Ugh, stop. They're kind of missing the point, aren't they? We don't call it the Lower Mainland for nothing. What else?
Minion #2: There's a petition sir, urging the Ministry of Transportation to take over BC Ferries and treat it as part of the province's highway …
Minister: Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what taking on that kind of debt would do to our credit rating? Next!
Minion #3: Sir, some people are driving slow in the left-hand lane …
Minion #1: Sir, despite our best efforts, distracted driving remains a major cause of fatal accidents in the province. We propose moving beyond education and awareness and really enforcing our…
Minister: Now, that I like!
Minion #1: Thank you, sir. Yes, distracted driving is a serious …
Minister: Not you, him! Say that again, uh, what's your name?
Minion #3: Minion #3, sir. Um, sir, yes, some people are driving slowly, well, uh, relatively slowly, in the left-hand lane.
Minister: See? Now there's something I can get behind! Tell me more!
Minion #3: Well, sir, as part of our study on increasing speed limits to get votes, we've happened to discover that a major irritant for the province's most reckless and irresponsible drivers is that sometimes they cannot drive twice the speed limit in the left lane without being impeded by someone already going 10 or 20 kilometres per hour over the limit.
Minister: I freakin' hate that!
Minion #3: Yes, sir. And you're not alone. According to our study, so do many British Columbians who voted for us in the last election. The study shows that when excessive speeders encounter moderate speeders in the left lane, they tend to lose their minds, tailgating, behaving erratically and then finally overtaking the slower-moving vehicle by passing on the right and endangering not only themselves but their passengers and everyone else on the road.
Minister: We need to bust those guys! We need to start writing some tickets!
Minion #1: Yes, sir. Aggressive driving is the No. 2 cause of …
Minister: Not them, dummy! The guys who aren't driving fast enough!
Minion #1: Sir, would we not do better to go after distracted or drug-impaired drivers? Those are, after all, the top priorities for police.
Minister: Too complicated. Give me something I can work with here. Minion #3: Sir, I think we should announce that the province is going to crack down on drivers who speed only moderately in the left lane.
Minion #1: If I may interject here, that's going to sound stupid …
Minister: You know, Minion #1, that's the first sensible thing you've said all morning. We can't call them "moderate speeders" or "people who are driving the speed limit." We need to call them something else.
Minion #3: I have it, sir. We call them "left-lane hogs."
Minister: You mean, like pigs? Like swine?
Minion #1: I think it's more along the lines of "hogs of the road," sir, you know, like the droogs in A Clockwork Orange …
Minister: I swear, half the time I have no idea what you're even talking about.
Minion #2: It's a dystopian crime movie, sir, directed by the late Stanley Kubrick …
Minister: Yeah? Well, I don't know anybody who's ever seen it.
Minion #3: Me neither, sir.
Minion #2: Critically acclaimed, sir.
Minister: But are sure about this? I mean, do you really think we can get the public and the media to start calling these drivers "left-lane hogs?"
Minion #3: Just watch us, sir.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 88.1 FM and 690 AM in Vancouver.