Gregor Robertson: Hey, Rob!
Amin Massoudi: No, this is Amin, Mayor Rob Ford’s spokesman. His Worship is on the jungle gym right now, is there something I can help you with?
Gregor: Yeah, just uh, just checking in, you know. It’s Gregor Robertson.
Amin: Ah yes, Mr. Robinson, so nice to hear from you.
Gregor: Robertson, Gregor Robertson, the mayor of Vancouver.
Amin: Of course, Mayor Robertson, so sorry. I’ll see if I can get him for you.
Amin: (Muffled) Mayor Ford, it’s the mayor of Vancouver, do you want to talk to him?
Rob: (Muffled) Kinda busy up here! Hang on, whoops, there we go. Okay, that leg over there, and … Oh geez, sorry kid! Yep, coming down right now. Somebody make sure he’s okay. No, it’s good! All good! I’m fine.
Rob: (Out of breath) Greg! How’s it goin’ there?
Gregor: Uh, okay I guess. How are you?
Rob: Never better! Clean and sober, hanging out with the kids, cutting ribbons, saving money for taxpayers, you know. You?
Gregor: I’m okay. To tell you the truth, I’m feeling a little ganged up on over here – the aquarium thing…
Rob: Yeah, we opened one of those here last fall. It’s awesome! You can walk right under the sharks!
Gregor: I know, but you’re not keeping any cetaceans there.
Rob: Yeah, well … what’s a cetacean?
Gregor: You know, marine mammals – dolphins, belugas – things like that.
Rob: No, we don’t have any of those. … But we have sharks, so same thing right?
Gregor: Not really.
Rob: So you’re serious, Craig? This is an election issue in Vancouver right now? Man, I want your problems.
Gregor: I think we’ve put it to rest for now. My guys on the park board passed a totally vague motion to draft a bylaw to stop breeding or something, so I think we’re good.
Rob: Stopping breeding? How you gonna do that?
Gregor: Good point…
Rob: Hey, you see my coffee-run with Deadmau5? It was gold. He drives a Ferrari. You need to do something like that.
Gregor: Yeah, I saw it. Pretty cool. You sure can drink a lot of coffee. I did a DJ set at a Pride party this week. That was pretty cool too. It’s Pride week here. The town is practically one big rainbow.
Rob: Subways. People love subways. You should pitch a subway.
Gregor: Are you changing the subject?
Rob: No. Subways!
Gregor: I have pitched a subway, on Broadway to UBC. I’m getting flak for that too. Apparently, I’ve been misleading people because I’ve been talking about it like it’s a done deal. People want one, but nobody wants to pay for it. The province and the feds need to kick in some money, but I’m beginning to think they don’t like me very much. It’s almost like they don’t want me to get re-elected.
Rob: Look, believe me, I know this re-election thing is tough, okay. Everybody wants to hold you to your record, talk about your drunken stupors and smoking crack and whatnot, and all the promises from the last campaign that you didn’t keep. You just gotta move on, bro. It’s not like you promised an end to homelessness or anything like that, right?
Gregor: I kinda did…
Rob: Kinda did what?
Gregor: Promised an end to homelessness. Now there’s a camp set up in a city park, and if I try to do anything about it, I’ll look mean.
Rob: Geez, why would you go and do something like that?
Gregor: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Rob: Look Greg, I’d love to keep chatting here, but I have an election to win. Also, there’s a guy here with a subpoena. See you later. Good luck, bro.
Gregor: (Sighs) Namaste, Rob.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.