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More faces from the riot. (JOHN LEHMANN/JOHN LEHMANN/THE GLOBE AND MAIL)
More faces from the riot. (JOHN LEHMANN/JOHN LEHMANN/THE GLOBE AND MAIL)

SATIRE

Let's resolve to keep the talking heads real Add to ...

“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” – Mark Twain

Me, I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions. Unless I’m making them for someone else. And so this year, a few suggestions for prominent and not-so-prominent British Columbians for New Year’s Eve pledges they may actually keep.

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Vancouver Police Chief Jim Chu: I resolve to secure charges against offenders a little more quickly, so that when they arrive in court to face those charges, they have at least some vague recollection of the event that put them in front of a judge in the first place. Also, to smile more.

Vancouver City Councillor Heather Deal: I resolve not to speculate on the potential behaviour of alcohol-fuelled hockey mobs or to comment on the city’s ability to manage them. I will not tweet my leftovers, I swear. Not even wrappers from the Tim’s in Thunder Bay. Also, I resolve to get a guest spot on Eat Street.

A Rioter: I resolve to punch in the head anyone who takes a picture of me smashing windows, setting cars on fire, or punching someone in the head.

Private Citizen Suzanne Anton: I resolve to avoid the advice of political consultants from the Greater Toronto Area, not that it matters any more. I further resolve to be a more positive person.

Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson: I resolve to find out who’s been editing my Wikipedia entry and why it contains so many negative references to me, and yet no shirtless photographs of me. Beyond that, I’m thinking I’ll do everything pretty much the same way I did last year. Oh, and I resolve to bring the rioters to justice.

Premier Christy Clark: You know what? I resolve to continue bustin’ my butt to create more jobs for the hard-workin’ folks of British Columbia and their families. And you wanna know something else? I’m resolvin’ to overhaul the court system so vengeance and fleeting public outrage become key principles in sentencin’.

B.C. Finance Minister Kevin Falcon: I resolve to stop inferring that the people of B.C. are morons for voting out the HST. I further resolve to make sure that we transition back to the outdated, inefficient, onerous and idiotic PST/GST regime just as soon as we collect as much money as we can from the HST while it’s still around.

Roberto Luongo: I resolve to stop as many pucks as possible in games that don’t matter very much. I resolve to at least appear to be worth the money I earn.

Chad Kroeger: I resolve to make peace with my new hair, and to continue laughing all the way to the local branch of my Swiss Bank.

A Vancouver Dog Owner: I resolve to let my dog run around and crap anywhere it wants.

A Vancouver Cyclist: I resolve to abide by some traffic signals, hang a helmet from my handle-bar, wear something sort of reflective in the absence of an actual working headlight, respect pedestrians who don’t get in my way, and keep sidewalk riding to a minimum on busier sidewalks.

A Vancouver Driver: I resolve not to exceed the posted speed limit by more than 40 kilometres per hour, to signal my intentions if my hands are free, to check my shoulder when I remember, to stay off the phone unless it’s really important, and to be courteous to pedestrians and other motorists, providing I’m in a good mood.

Bob Rennie: I resolve to sell at least one more Olympic Village condo in 2012. Or at least get an offer on one.

BC Hydro: We resolve to provide a lifetime supply of aluminum foil to customers opposed to smart meters for health reasons.

Translink Communications Staff: We resolve to refrain from sending out knee-jerk news releases every time anyone says anything remotely critical about a transit system that sometimes deserves to be criticized.

Translink Mayors’ Council: We resolve to continue showing up to meetings and voting on agenda items that will later be ignored by the provincial government or languish unfunded.



Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.

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