The idea of making a New Year's resolution seems more than a little old-fashioned. Quit smoking? Who smokes anymore?
Lose weight, eat better, get some exercise? It's all so confusing, what with the debate over what constitutes a healthy body image and all of the contradictory health information out there.
Yoga? Cultural appropriation.
Take up cycling? Have you even looked outside?
Drive a hybrid? Can't afford it.
So when resolving to change our ways in the coming year, let's aim low.
Let's set modest goals – goals that not only result in self-improvement, but that also make this city a more pleasant place to live.
A few suggestions:
Resolve to learn how to walk on a sidewalk
I know, it sounds easy. But it's not. Keep to the right. Don't stop unexpectedly, and if you need to stop, move out of the way. Don't gather to gab in fleshy lumps between the sandwich board and the mailbox. That stuff needs to stop. Make way for pedestrians who are actually trying to get somewhere. Giant stroller-pushers? Your importance is not proportional to the width of your baby vehicle. You're just like everybody else, only wider. And yes, he's adorable. Dog walkers? If that leash crosses in front of me, I will keep walking. Groups of more than two people? Walk two abreast, maximum. Four of you? You should be walking in a square formation – like a neat little Tetris block.
Resolve to learn how to cross the street
When the figure of the little person lights up, it's your turn to walk. If a red hand is flashing at you, it's not. There are generally two sets of signals, those for pedestrians and those for drivers and cyclists. Surprise, cyclists! The same traffic signals that apply to cars also apply to you. Pedestrians, do not stare at your phone as you are crossing. Do not be oblivious. When cars turning left have the right of way with a green flashing arrow, do not jump out into the intersection and indignantly kick, slap or otherwise hinder the car that has the right of way. You have clearly failed to notice that the red flashing hand is still red and flashing. If you must cross mid-block, I don't know, maybe glance over your shoulder to see if there are any vehicles hurtling toward you?
Drivers of vehicles, resolve to stop being homicidal maniacs
A green light does not mean turn right as fast as you can, endangering the lives of pedestrians. If people are stepping off the curb into a crosswalk, yield to them. If you don't and they end up kicking your car, it's because you deserve it. Offer some basic courtesy to other drivers. Do your best to facilitate the smooth flow of traffic. And when someone in traffic does offer you a kind gesture, for Pete's sake, wave your thanks. Slow down, pay attention and for the love of all that is holy, get off the phone.
Resolve to behave like a fully evolved human on public transit
Take off your stupid backpack. Get out of the doorway of the SkyTrain. You're still 10 stops away from your destination. Potheads, please air out before you board the train. The rest of you, just resolve to shut up. Don't talk to me or anyone else you don't know. If you're talking on the phone, understand that everyone else on the bus or inside the train car gets to loudly ask you questions about your personal life. You started it. Do not practise any form of personal grooming until you're off the train.
If you ride a bike, resolve to learn the rules of the road and obey them
The aforementioned red lights, stop signs, and in fact most posted signs apply to you as well. Resolve never to ride on the sidewalk. Wear a light at night, and don't wear all black. If you must run through the red light in the middle of the school zone, please don't scream red-faced obscenities at me in front of my kids because I gently reminded you that the light is red. Resolve to consider that when your bike is eventually stolen, that's karma.
People ordering decaf anything, resolve to let the people who need actual coffee move to the front of the line
They're likely the same ones paying with cash and not holding up the line by ordering a beverage that is essentially an ice cream sundae.
Resolve to be more generous, empathetic and tolerant of the imperfections of everyone around you
Oh, and Happy New Year.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.