JOHN LEHMANN/THE GLOBE AND MAIL
In pictures
Across the great divide: Canada's new families
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Data from the 2011 census, which began rolling out this month, tell the story of a country undergoing dramatic changes, in part because of the current wave of newcomers. But one thing a census can't tell us is just how Canada is changing them. Seven families talk to Erin Anderssen, Rod Mickleburgh and Anna-Kaisa Walker about the challenges of trying to integrate into a new society while honouring their culture, language and values
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Raj Thandhi, 31
Marketing consultant and style blogger at PinkChaiStyle.com, Surrey, B.C.
Clothes used to be a big issue when I was growing up. There was a power struggle with my mom, who came here from India with my dad in 1974. She thought I dressed too “Western” – she wanted me to wear everything brighter, shinier, more embroidery, more gold. Her philosophy is, if you’ve got it, pile it on. I didn’t want to – I like the simple look. I’m a Banana Republic girl. Mom and I had an epic struggle over my wedding outfit. For Indian families, what a daughter wears on her wedding day is a matter of pride. I had already broken the mould when I chose my own husband (my two older sisters had arranged marriages). We ended up with a compromise – I wore a very ornate lehenga, but toned down the jewellery. And the dress was lilac, not at all a traditional colour. It’s funny that the tables are turned these days. I have a strong-willed four-year-old daughter who is very adamant about what she wants to wear. My mom is the one who tells me not to fight her too much. The one thing that my mother and I most agree on is the importance of our Sikh faith – I’m grateful to her for the role that spirituality plays in my life.
Sarbjit Sandhu, 60
Hospital housekeeper, Abbotsford, B.C.
Raj always dressed different from my other girls. She never had too much showing, but she had her own style. It’s much more simple. Often, when we go out, I’m more dressed up than she is. To me, your clothes are a way of preserving your culture. The times are much more modern now, but it’s still very important to me that my daughters dress Indian at family parties and religious occasions. Raj’s wedding dress was a very different style – the colour and the embroidery were not what I’m used to seeing. But I loved it – we chose it together. I tried not to restrict my daughters too much, even when they were teenagers. I remember that Raj had beautiful long hair when she was younger, so I never wanted her to cut it. But when she was 15 or 16, she went out and had it all cut off to chin length. Now that Raj has a daughter, I tell her that if you don’t let your kids have something, they’ll want it even more.
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Yichun Dai, 53
Administrator, Simon Fraser University, Port Moody, B.C.
I came to Canada from China in 1986. There were moral bindings in Chinese society that told you how to behave. I wanted a very obedient little girl, someone I could tell how to be a real girl. For instance, I wouldn’t let Joyce sleep over. That was not Chinese. And when she first wanted to wear a tank top, I said, “No, no, no. That is not possible. You are exposing too much of yourself.” Boys were out of the question. The first time I found out, it was such a shock to me. I lost my mind. What was I supposed to do? In China, you were only supposed to find out about it on your wedding day. But I learned to accept it, and did the best I could to ensure she was protected. I think many Chinese still have their cultural mindset. They don’t really think that being fair to children is important. But I have adapted to the new environment, and I’m not sorry. For my husband, it was hard. There were fights with Joyce, and we had a lot of serious arguments about how to raise the children. Now, he’s sorry about the way he treated Joyce. He started to see that my way was the better way.
Joyce Yan, 22
Undergraduate, Simon Fraser University, Port Moody, B.C.
Growing up, I was always strong-headed. Mom said not to go out; I went anyway. Mom locked the window; I would find another way out. I didn’t see it as rebellious against my parents. I was just doing what I wanted to do. I was having fun, doing my own thing. If that didn’t go along the lines they wanted, it didn’t bother me, whatsoever. There were definitely a lot of tense moments in the house. It was always me, dancing around my dad. One Canada Day, I ended up at the bar, underage. When I got home, I was slightly inebriated. We got into a big argument about how I was wasting my life away. I used to say to him all the time: “You’re not in China. You’re in Canada now.” But within the last few years, I’ve definitely grown up a lot, figured out what I wanted to do. I’ve settled down, and my dad has become more tolerant and understanding. It’s wonderful now at home.
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Khalid Elgazzar, 33
Lawyer, Ottawa
In our culture, pre-marital relationships with the opposite gender are frowned upon, so that would be a source of tension at home. I remember tensing up when female friends called the house. My parents understood, but they wanted to closely monitor just how “friendly” things were getting. Different types of music are discouraged. When I was in high school, I listened to a lot of hip hop and gangsta rap. I definitely wouldn’t be blasting it at home, but if I was at school, I would be playing it, and discussing it with my friends. It’s sometimes a matter of survival: You want to fit in with your friends and you don’t want to fall out with your parents. You live the different roles. It’s not necessarily healthy. You can sometimes lose yourself, and you are not really sure where you belong. It can be lonely because you are never being 100-per-cent true. You are only being yourself when you are alone. There is a responsibility on those who have gone through that experience to say, “It’s not the end of the world, make sure to communicate with your family, things will get better.”
Mostafa Elgazzar, 68
Businessman, Cornwall, Ont.
When I came here with my wife from Egypt, my goal was to give my children the best education they could possibly get and to keep our family heritage and morals. That is why we chose a rural place, where we could have more control, where we would know their friends. I wanted to impart to my kids to be religious but not fanatics. In our religion, you want a girl, you speak to her in a polite way, and you propose to her family: You don’t go with one today and another tomorrow. I did worry about it, and it kept me awake so many nights. I didn’t want my children to misuse their freedom or to misuse other people. You like a girl, you commit. She is not a car, she is a human being. My biggest worry was that they would get mixed up with the wrong people and that would dismantle my teachings to them. Thank God, that didn’t happen. My children are the air I breathe, the water I drink. My life is for them.
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Mary Ashun, 43
Professor of education, Redeemer University College, Ancaster, Ont.
When we arrived in Canada in 1996, my son Ben was about 3. I originally intended to teach him and his two younger brothers the language I grew up with in Ghana, but it never really happened. It’s one of my regrets. I feel like it would be a way for them to have a greater connection with their culture. On the other hand, this New Year’s Eve, Ben decided to join us for a Ghanaian church celebration instead of going out with his friends. He had always complained that church was too loud, there are too many songs, why do we have to go every Sunday, and on and on. It meant a lot to me that he came. When it comes to dating, so far all Ben’s girlfriends have been white. To be honest, colour isn’t as important to me as other things, like sharing his Christian faith and being family-oriented. We’re very close-knit, and my parents have come over from Ghana to live with us for long periods. When Ben was in a terrible car accident about four years ago, he ended up in a coma. When he woke up, the first person he asked for was his grandfather. That kind of closeness is something I’d really like to have with my grandchildren some day.
Ben Ashun, 19
Third-year undergraduate student, Queen’s University, Kingston
I actually enjoyed going to church on New Year’s Eve. But how Ghanaian I feel is situational – my brothers and I feel really Canadian when someone comes up to us at church and talks to us in their language, and we don’t understand. Sometimes people will do it deliberately and burst out laughing – it’s kind of an in-joke among them. It hurts a bit. Faith and spirituality are a huge deal for my family, but to be honest, I have questions just like everybody else. I don’t think that means I’m rejecting my culture. All the girls I’ve dated have been white, and my mom likes to tease me about it – she’s like, don’t you like black women? – and sometimes I worry that there’s a grain of truth behind the jokes. My mom and I have had our battles. When I was younger, she never let me read Harry Potter books because she didn’t approve of the witchcraft. I was angry, but now I realize that it’s not that big a deal. I’m really grateful to my parents for what they gave us. It’s really hard to raise kids with your values and culture in a society where there are so many forces pulling them in every direction.
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Shazad Chaudhary, 29
Project manager, Timmins, Ont.
My parents came to Canada from Pakistan in the seventies, and like a lot of South Asian families they had certain expectations of what they wanted my brother and me to be. He has very much followed their ideals – he’s a family doctor, he’s married and has kids – but I haven’t. I studied science for a couple of years in university, but I got pretty depressed. I ended up graduating with a double major in film and anthropology. My parents were forced to realize that I wasn’t going to study something that I wasn’t interested in. I was in a relationship with an American white girl, and while they were very open to her, ultimately they made it clear that she would have to convert to Islam. She did a lot of research on it, which was her idea. In the end, I think she was a bit overwhelmed, and it didn’t work out. I travelled the world for a few years working for NGOs, and now I work for a government environmental agency, and it’s a decent job. But my parents still ask me why I didn’t go to law school. I love them, but I think that they still don’t really appreciate what I do.
Sameena Chaudhary, 54
Real-estate agent, Mississauga
We were a bit disappointed when Shazad decided not to study science in university. He had our full financial backing, and a lot of other people don’t. But I didn’t really care what he did, as long as he earns a good living – all we care about is his financial security. I think he is struggling a bit now, and I was always confused about his career choices. We fought a lot. He doesn’t seem to have big dreams for himself. I never compared him to his brother, though. I know Shazad works hard, and I want him to have a job that compensates him well. It’s getting more difficult to find a good job now that we’re in a recession, and if you’re brown, it means you have to work harder and be better than everyone else to succeed. As parents, we put all our efforts into our kids, and we just want to see them stand on their own two feet. My son is still young, but I think he needs to think about settling down. In our culture, families stay close. He’s lived so far away these past years, and I just miss him.
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— Robert J. Galbraith for The Globe and Mail
Daniel Pereira, 36
Corporate accountant, Domtar, Montreal
Camila was 3 when my ex-wife and I immigrated from Argentina eight years ago. Two years ago, we sponsored my parents plus my brother and sister, who are still in their teens. While we’re a close family, in many ways I don’t describe myself as primarily Argentinian – I’m a Canadian, and my daughter is too. Montreal has a real mix of cultures, and I’m very happy to expose her to different points of view. But I think my way of parenting is not like most Canadians. Camila’s mother and I are very tough – we believe kids have to earn a reward instead of just having things given to them. It’s the way we were raised back home. I think a lot of Canadian parents feel guilty about saying no to their kids. Right now, I see a lot of twentysomethings in the workplace who expect to get what they want as soon as they want it. They’ve never been told otherwise. I think Camila accepts that she’s not always going to have the newest, latest things just because her friends do. She’s smart enough not to ask for something that she doesn’t really need.
Camila Pereira, 12
Grade 6 student, Montreal
I don’t really remember much about Argentina, except the candy that my grandparents used to buy me – it’s called dulce de leche. We visited there once. It seemed like there were a lot more poor people there. Canada is way cleaner. People said my Spanish sounded different. My friends at school have parents from all kinds of countries: Haiti, China, Korea, England. I feel different because I’m the only one who speaks Spanish, but I like it because they all want me to teach them the language. I think my parents are more strict than Canadian kids’ parents. When other kids do something bad, their parents will tell them to go to their room or go sit in the corner, but Argentinian parents will get kind of loud. Sometimes I think that other kids are a bit more spoiled, but it doesn’t matter because sometimes I’ll get things before them anyway.
