SCENE 1.
A STREETCAR TRAVELLING WEST ALONG COLLEGE STREET, STUCK IN BAD RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.
GIAMBRONE
For those of you just tuning in, there is high drama on the College streetcar this afternoon. Selfish, climate-destroying drivers have been clogging the left-turn lane and streetcars are backed up 45 minutes. There are now four - no, make that five - streetcars in a row, a breathtaking convoy of public-infrastructure investment. It's as though the lead streetcar is in heat and being doggedly followed by four male streetcars. And now, as though to send a bolt of electricity through the already erotically charged atmosphere, the driver has just announced Euclid. The next stop, people, is Euclid ...
SCENE 2.
A STREETCAR STOPPED AT KING AND JARVIS. A CROWD WAITS TO BOARD.
GIAMBRONE
Once again, a cyclist has failed to come to a halt and yield to passengers boarding a streetcar. For viewers on King east of George Street, be on the lookout for a cyclist with a blue helmet flouting the Highway Traffic Act. This may be the same hooligan who had the audacity to ding his bell at a bus last week when he should have yielded. He must be stopped.
SCENE 3.
GIAMBRONE IS STANDING IN A STREETCAR, HIS ATTENTION SEIZED BY A MAN SITTING AND LEANING HIS ELBOW OUT AN OPEN WINDOW.
GIAMBRONE
A rider at the front of the bus is disrespecting the rules of the Commission, breaking a regulation that every other passenger on the network is dutifully following.
GIAMBRONE WALKS AGGRESSIVELY TO THE FRONT.
GIAMBRONE (to the man)
Sir! Excuse me, sir! Yes, I'm talking to you. The sign says, "Keep Arm In." English doesn't get any plainer than that ... What's that?... You don't speak English?... Sir, let me take this moment to apologize for my inappropriate outburst. As a new Canadian, you form an essential piece in our civic mosaic. If elected mayor, I promise to put an end to culturally insensitive regulations that fail to respect the many diverse styles of ridership that are part of Toronto's vital transit culture.
SCENE 4.
GIAMBRONE IS STANDING AT THE FRONT OF A STREETCAR NEXT TO A MAN WAITING TO GET OFF.
GIAMBRONE
I am here live with one of those transit users who gets off at the front of the streetcar during rush hour, impeding the flow of commuters who wish merely to board the streetcar and pay their fare. Sir, what is going through your mind at this moment? Do you not see there is an implicit social contract among streetcar riders, wherein people board and pay at the front and exit at the back? Do you lack the ability to feel empathy? Are these people somehow lesser than you because you're on the streetcar and they are not?
SCENE 5.
A STREETCAR, LURCHING THROUGH TRAFFIC. A MAN IN A TTC UNIFORM HAS A WOMAN IN A HEADLOCK. HER FACE IS TURNING RED AND SHE IS POINTING TO HER THROAT, MAKING THE INTERNATIONAL CHOKING SYMBOL.
GIAMBRONE
One of our drivers appears to be assaulting a rider ... Or should I say, one of our drivers is defending himself in yet another case of rider rage, one strikingly similar to an incident that occurred in the Beaches last April. A female rider, I am being told, dropped a Starbucks coffee cup - correction: hurled a Starbucks coffee cup - at the driver's foot in an attempt to inflict bodily harm. If she makes it out of this alive - if - she doesn't stand a chance in court. This is what happens, people, when you try to claw back workers' paid sick days.
SCENE 6.
A STREETCAR. GIAMBRONE IS STANDING, HIS FINGERS CURLED AROUND THE "STOP REQUEST" CORD, BUT NOT ACTUALLY TOUCHING IT.
GIAMBRONE
Perhaps the greatest joy of riding the streetcar is being the first person to ring the bell to request the next stop. The past seven episodes of On the Rocket, ladies and gentlemen, I have stood here talking to you and let my attention wander. But not this week. No, this week...
THE BELL RINGS.
GIAMBRONE
Who did that? You know I wanted to ring the bell, and you went and rang it yourself. Who did that? Do you know who I am? Driver, please unilluminate the "stop request" sign. Driver, as the chair of the TTC, I am ordering you to unilluminate the "stop request" sign.
A WOMAN HURLS A STARBUCKS COFFEE CUP AT GIAMBRONE AND PUTS HIM IN A HEADLOCK. THE CAMERA PANS OUT AS THE STREETCAR LURCHES ON. CREDITS ROLL.
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