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Hey Canada! We know Canadians are used to waiting for things that most of the rest of the world has had for years, like sitcoms, cappuccino and non-sensible shoes. And now that we've completed our rigorous 225-country product-testing of the amazing Amazon Kindle e-book reader (we wanted to work out any bugs with users in Vanuatu, the Falkland Islands and San Marino before rushing it too hastily into the Canadian market) we are pleased to offer it to you – but with many very, very special Canadian features, only most of which are the result of federal, provincial and municipal regulatory requirements!

When you order an e-book from Kindle, our built-in CRTC-app will immediately assess whether that book's electronic importation violates any federal copyright rules, and will, within hours, either deposit it almost untouched on your device, or levy a small fine on your Amazon account! With just one click!

And through Wi-Fi and content agreements we have forged with Canadian broadcasters and cable companies, a hefty levy added to each download will be effortlessly split between, say, Rogers and CTV, allowing them the ability to charge each other a fee for allowing us to charge you a fee! It's just that easy!

Konfederation Kindle has the books you want but don't even know about, like Pants of Mimico, The Spoon That Forged a Region and The Diefenbaker Emergency Cookbook, as well as all pre-1960 Harlequin Romance titles, such as Kiss Your Elbow.

Other features include:

• Read for Weeks on a Single Charge: Your Kindle's power, however, will shut down once a day for three hours in order to fulfill proposed requirements of the international climate change treaty;
• ‘Read-To-Me' Text-To-Speech feature: Kindle can read newspapers, magazines and books out loud in a computer-generated version of Peter Mansbridge's voice (on weekends, in the voice of Howie Mandel);
• Instant Dictionary Lookup: Kindle comes loaded with a dictionary, full of just the words that appear in Hansard, the official transcript of the House of Commons;
• Kindle Canada is HST-ready – no need to manually calculate the seven compounding sales taxes on your purchase! It's the gift you'll want to co-purchase with a group of nine or 10 friends!
• ‘I Love My Province!' feature: Due to a number of complex, overlapping and bitter interprovincial trade disputes, a book you download in one province cannot be read in another. However, our new partnership arrangements mean that you can read Via Rail menus, schedules and emergency-window-breaking-procedures manuals seamlessly all across Canada! Not to mention back issues of the Canadian Tire catalogue, and trans-Canada Zellers coupons!
• Like to share your books? No problem. Each Kindle is coated with a thin, durable layer of Purell hand-sanitizer.
• Canadians are said to have 37 words for “beige,” and you can order your Kindle in any one of them, including “Pallid,” “Pre-washed Khaki” and “Pasta.”

You'll also be tickled to hear that Amazon has hired Canadian-born architect Frank Gehry to design the special Canadian-edition Kindle! But don't worry, the jutting sharp titanium edges he has introduced to the Kindle are covered in child-proof Kevlar – the same material used to protect NHL goalies! In fact, your Kindle is puck-proof, so when you are reading your newly downloaded copy of Economic Minerals, Lakes Chibougamau & Dore; Including Annotated Abstracts of the Thirty-One Reports, Special Articles, Papers and Lectures Thereon 1904-1928 at your kid's hockey game, you are fully protected!

Finally, when your eyes are red and raw from hours of e-reading the Coles Notes for Farley Mowat's Born Naked, you can turn off your Konfederation Kindle and use it as a toboggan! Try doing that with a paperback edition of Frozen Tease: Canadian Hair Bands of the '80s!

Gerry Flahive is a documentary producer in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: gflahive.