News

Despite all the hopes for a happy new year, initial reports indicate that 2008 has been one of the most disappointing years on record.

Early statistical and anecdotal evidence confirms most people's gut feeling that this year has not lived up to expectations. Retailers, for example, have seen 2008 sales figures plummet to levels almost 52 times lower than those of last year. And by sunset on Jan. 1, most Canadians hadn't shown up for work. A large percentage were either drinking heavily or recovering from having just done so. What does that say about national resolve and discipline?

With the exception of several karate schools in Alberta, the country's classrooms have been empty so far. Media outlets have been so desperate for content that they have been forced to repeat stories about 2007. And Canada has yet to win even one Olympic medal in this, an Olympic year.

The year's trends in experimental fiction: none. Nobel prize winners to date: zero. New versions of the iPod released by Apple, then replaced by subsequently newer models: not a one. Sales of birthday cards intended for those with astrological sign Virgo: very, very few.

No new laws have been passed, no bone-headed ones repealed. Little witty or memorable has been said, but much has been slurred or mumbled.

Courtrooms have been closed, shuttering any hope for justice along with them. Many appliance warranties have just expired — at midnight on New Year's Eve, in the dark of the night! — leaving owners in a state of shocking unpreparedness. Credit-card debt is at its highest levels. And the dollar has just seen another massive 1 per cent of its value painfully sheared, crushing the hopes, dreams and superiority complexes of millions of Canadians.

If these trends continue, as economists, sociologists and barbers insist they will, Canada will experience one of its most unproductive spells since the Great Depression of the 1930s, if one doesn't count the Great Malaise of the summer of 1957 or the Large Slackoff of 1973.

Fears of dramatic climate change have been confirmed, with no Canadian towns or cities yet to record temperatures anywhere near spring- or summer-like averages. Could this be the beginning of a new ice age, or is it simply the result of slipshod measurement by hung-over meteorologists?

On the positive side, the calendar industry has been reporting dramatic sales increases, at least compared to last May. Inexplicably, there are already 273 new oddly named paint-chip colours available at hardware stores. No specific legislative or electoral efforts have been made this year for Quebec to separate from Canada. And Torontonians can take solace from the fact that the 2008 Toronto Maple Leafs have not been mathematically eliminated from Stanley Cup contention — even if they have been spiritually, physically, psychologically and realistically.

Gerry Flahive is a documentary producer in Toronto.