Any sense of closure I might get from the release of Mr. Justice Jeffrey Oliphant's report on the dealings between Karlheinz Schreiber and former prime minister Brian Mulroney dissipates when I remember that Mr. Mulroney's closure involves the $2.1-million that he won in a libel settlement, when clearly large truths went untold.
And while I agree with the lead commission lawyer, Richard Wolson, that "at some point we all have a right as Canadians to have finality," I know that we don't all have a right to $2.1-million even if we've been found to have "acted inappropriately." I checked.
I don't think there's much to be done about the settlement now. After $18-million spent investigating this, it does seem silly to spend more.
We could appeal to Mr. Mulroney's sense of honour, but we did that when we put him under oath. Judge Oliphant (a master of dry prose) determined: "It is sufficient for my purpose to say that Mr. Mulroney's answer to [the lawyer's]question failed to disclose appropriately the facts of which Mr. Mulroney was well aware, when such disclosure was clearly called for."
So we've concluded, officially, that the man's sense of honour isn't worth appealing to.
My friend Carol Anne Gillis in Cape Breton says the investigation was wasteful. "They could've saved all that money if they'd locked those two in a room with my Mom, who would've repeatedly opened and closed the wooden-spoon drawer - the truth would've come out, without injury, and there'd have been a cup of tea and a biscuit for all at the end of it."
I disagree. Those are two slippery customers, Brian and Karlheinz. The words "your father" and "belt" might've been needed as well.
What I propose is this. We launch a new television show: Coming this fall, Who Wants Brian Mulroney's Closure? Giving every Canadian a shot at Mr. Mulroney's kind of justice. It'd be a game show in which a lucky but emotionally damaged contestant who is really just all about his family wins a $2.1-million pot, known as "Damages."
The winner would also get cash-filled envelopes, but the viewers wouldn't know how much money was in them - $225,000? $300,000? The judges would never be able to say. The audience would have to impute a value based on the contestant's level of smugness.
And for guessing that amount they would get … nothing - a pot known as "Finality." Which is apparently something Canadians value more than money.
On Who Wants Brian Mulroney's Closure? only the contestant would know the quiz question. They'd also know the answer and it'd be up to the judge to guess it. If the judge didn't specifically ask, for example, "Did you take cash-stuffed envelopes in a hotel room from a German arms dealer?" or "Did you take asparagus at the bus depot in a Portmeirion teapot from Mrs. Irma Lewis?" the contestant would win!
It'd be kind of like Clue, but with infinite rooms, weapons and suspects.
I think it should be hosted by Jian Ghomeshi, because Ben Mulroney would just be too weird. Although they should offer it to Ben, just to see if there really is an utter-lack-of-integrity gene.
I see potential for all kinds of contestants on the show. The producers could pit Rahim Jaffer, a man who seems to have a firm grasp on the concept of influence peddling but appears to want credit for being unable to put it into practice, against the likes of Sarah, Duchess of York, who, it appears, had to be aggressively and rather unfairly introduced to the concept - although one senses after her Oprah interview this week that she might need to be introduced to many concepts, on a daily basis. Such as gravity. And socks.
Mr. Mulroney, on the other hand, seems like a bright enough man who knows the difference between cups of coffee and wads of cash, declared and undeclared income, but who knowingly gambled with the reputation of all Canadian politicians, present and future, as though it was a Friday paycheque. I hope they make him feel it. I know that's unkind. But there are people arguing that it's the damage to Mr. Mulroney's legacy - the jokes, the fact that his name will forever linked to Karlheinz Schreiber - that are his real punishment. To which I say: "Brian Mulroney, Karlheinz Schreiber, Brian Mulroney, Karlheinz Schreiber, Brian Mulroney, Karlheinz Schreiber."