Let me apologize right off the bat if this post is even more incoherent than normal. I just left an all-night fake negotiating session at a beautiful cottage here in downtown Toronto with a magnificent lake view (though in some ways, it was really more of a reflecting pool than a lake).
A group of us were holding fake negotiations through the night about a non-existent merger of the Liberals and the NDP. At around 4 a.m, when the munchies hit, we had burgers all around – brought to us by Mayor McCheese (a big supporter of the fake merger – good to lock up influential fake municipal politicians early on). We are making history at the cottage at the Fake Lake negotiating the Fake Lake Accord.
Anyways, like any cagey negotiator of fake mergers, I thought it was best to immediately rush to the media to tell the world about the top-secret fake negotiations. That's how these things are normally done in the fake merger world, you see.
Our mandate to negotiate the merger was given to us by, well, us. We just took it upon ourselves to negotiate a fake merger. The Fake Lake Accord negotiating team doesn't think much for the grassroots of the party – they just want to win so they'll go along with whatever fake agreement we sign.
While all the Liberals around the table agree that the future of the party can be found in our impressive young MPs, we are on average 68 years old around the Fake Lake table (myself being the fake exception). In terms of principles or policies, well, what kind of a coherent party could possibly emerge from the Fake Lake Accord between two parties that have never had similar world views or party cultures? Funny, we really haven't given the notion that coherence or policy matter – it just never really crossed our minds during the fake negotiations.
In terms of timing, we think it is critical that the Fake Lake Accord get signed forthwith and certainly before the next election gets called. We also need time to select a new leader for the merged fake party. And put together a platform, a campaign team – pretty much build everything from scratch before an election that would almost certainly come this fall if the Fake Lake Accord gets signed. We think this is all eminently doable in 15 weeks – you know, once you enter into fake negotiations, they get a momentum of their own that just can't be stopped.
Anyways, I have a couple of hours before I have to head back to the Fake Lake for further discussions. I am really excited that a century-plus of Liberal history is being horse-traded away in fake negotiations because of a couple of months of bad poll results. The future of our party – nay, our country – is all but assured in the hands of a few old, white men making a bunch of things up as they go with no mandate from anyone to do any of this, real or not.
