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With the holidays behind us, 'tis now the season for surveying all those gifts you don't really want, or that don't operate as advertised, and for thanking stores that take things back, no questions asked.

If only all griping were so easy: Whether it's dealing with errant statement charges, bad Internet service, or products that flat-line just as their warranty expires, complaining your way to consumer satisfaction often requires an artful combination of time, patience and planning.

The most efficient appliance for actually getting a grievance resolved? The good old telephone. Though, of course, it's rarely as simple as picking up the phone and dialling.

"Corporate phone systems are actually designed to aggravate you into submission," asserts Bruce Cran, president of the Consumers Association of Canada. Companies know that a tiny fraction of foiled phone complainers (Mr. Cran estimates fewer than one in 100) will go on to pursue a written complaint.

Your call, in other words, is so not important to them.

As a result, Mr. Cran suggests, your first job requires simple math: "Calculate how much you'll save or be refunded versus how angry you'll get waiting on hold . . . Is it worth $50 to you? Is it worth $25?"

Assuming you do proceed, your first challenge is to cross the computer/human barrier as quickly as possible.

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get a computerized prompt that asks you the nature of your call. If that happens, try saying "account collections," which often delivers a perky operator pronto; if you talk nice and act confused, he may agree to transfer you to the front of the customer-service queue instead of back to another computerized prompt. A friend reports that requesting "service for business" has also worked for him. My personal approach is to mumble. On comes an operator, asking what I said.

Should none of this work, you can try pressing zero -- although that doesn't work as well as it used to. In which case give the website GetHuman.com a shot. Founded by consumer advocate Paul English, it lists the toll-free numbers, and the keypad prompts required, to nail down a real person at hundreds of companies.

While GetHuman's focus is overwhelmingly American, its fledgling Canadian site ( gethuman.com/ca ) includes prompts for, among others, Sun Life Financial and Sears Canada. Their main site also lists dozens of foreign call centres that serve Canadians. The shortcut for PayPal Credit Services ("Be silent and press 6 at end of prompts") got me to a member of the human race in less than a minute.

However you get through, a few rules of thumb can help keep things both streamlined and civil. First, always arm yourself with crib notes. These should chronicle your problem accurately and fairly, how it has affected you, what you may have done to correct it and what you think the company should do.

As well, keep a record of everyone you are transferred to, what they said, and when you spoke. Always ask for names. And, because getting a surname is usually impossible, insist on employee ID numbers too.

And, if you at all suspect an agent is lazy, vengeful or just ignorant, try phoning back for a second opinion. A Bell rep recently told me that I needed an activation CD to start my new Internet modem, which somehow didn't ring true. Stupidly, I waited several days for it to arrive only to discover my problem actually involved wiring.

Whatever you do, remember that honey works better than vinegar. In one GetHuman chat room, customer-service reps discuss the kinds of callers they love to obstruct. Their top picks: people who belittle, who "screech," or who brag about how powerful they are. "We just put you on hold," writes one, "and make fun of you."

Even dumber moves: threatening the rep, or threatening legal action. The former may prompt the agent to call the police (remember, the rep has your phone number). The latter may mire your complaint in the company's legal department.

If calm, persistence and your sweetest Jennifer Tilly voice still get you nowhere? Consider what complaint guru Ron Rosenberg, founder of DriveYouNuts.com , calls the "sandwich technique."

Once you've gone as high as you can in a customer-service department (that's your sandwich's first slice), call head office and ask for the VP of customer service by name, not title (the latter will get you back to where you were complaining until then).

"He won't answer his phone," Mr. Rosenberg says, "but his executive assistant will."

In many cases, that EA will have the authority to arrange redress. And, knowing that a customer who has gone this far -- and has kept meticulous records of his phone travails -- is both rare and determined, chances are he will try to make things work.

Or sometimes not. Here comes to mind a recent New Yorker cartoon of an executive sitting at a huge desk. "And you can rest assured," he's saying into his phone, "that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

That's when it's time to (ever so gently) slam the phone down for good, and move on to other conduits for turning your beef into cabbage, including letters, industry ombudsmen and government agencies. As always, I am happy to hear your stories and advice.

vdwyer@globeandmail.com