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I know it trades in Hollywood dreams and our collective desire to slip the surly bonds of common sense. But does Blockbuster need to perplex the hell out of me every time I rent a movie?

My confusion stems from the chain's much ballyhooed policy trumpeting “the end of late fees.” For a household in which DVDs have been found hiding out between couch cushions weeks after they're due back, this is like George W. Bush being promised “the end of quagmires,” or Conrad Black “the end of juries.”

But lately it has become clear (if murkily so) that Blockbuster's ballyhoo has nothing on its bafflegab. The first hint came when I received a phone message, two or three days past the due date of a seven-night rental. “Hello, this is a friendly reminder from Blockbuster. Our records indicate you have some items that have not been returned by the due date as indicated at the time of rental. Please return these items at your earliest convenience.”

Never one to leave a debt dangling, I promptly walked the overdue DVD to my local Blockbuster and lined up at the register, where I inquired about the amount of my fine.

“There's no fine!” chirped the attendant. So I told her about the message.

“Oh, that was just reminding you, you were past the due date,” she explained. “Your movie was due seven days after you rented it, but you don't have to bring it back until eight days after that.” Confused but relieved, and not wanting to hold up the line, I went on my way.

Not long after, I was checking out a two-night rental and asked the clerk, who was on the phone as she served me, when it was due back. “You have it a week,” she replied curtly before returning to her conversation.

More baffled than ever, back at home I turned to the chain's website. There, I found this: “There is no additional rental charge if a member keeps a rental item beyond the prepaid rental period. However, if a member chooses to keep a rental item for more than a week after the end of the rental period, Blockbuster will automatically convert the rental to a sale . . . “ A sale?

So I go seven days past the “due date” with no overdue fees, only to be forced to buy the movie on the eighth?

Sort of. While Blockbuster charges me the full sale price of the movie after eight days, if I return it within 30 days, I can, in fact, have that charge removed. In its place will appear a $1.75 “restocking fee.”

Feeling vaguely like a character in The Matrix, I called my local Blockbuster, where another clerk, her studied patience a hallmark of her professionalism, confirmed all of the above.

“So then why do you claim there are no late fees?” I asked.

“It's not a late fee,” she sighed. “If it would have been a late fee, it would have been $5,” noting that was the amount Blockbuster charged when it did impose late fees.

Further distancing the chain itself from any sort of fee, she added: “We have to pay the company that calls to remind you — that's the restocking fee.” Hmm. That would be the company that calls to nag me to return the movie several days before there's a charge that would normally be associated with its being overdue.

Which is a charge, when it does come, that is (temporarily) equal to the full selling price of the movie, and that, if I co-operate, can be converted to a restocking fee, but which in no way is a late fee. Because at Blockbuster, late fees are a thing of the past.