Forget The Da Vinci Code. A new on-line database dedicated to releasing hapless souls from automated phone hell is spreading its secret decoding techniques to Canadians.
Gethuman.com, a U.S.-based database that publishes a cheat sheet of shortcuts to reach humans at businesses and government departments, is developing a Canadian list for people with both beefs and kudos about automated phone response systems.
The most helpful hints are from people who have found ways to short-circuit the ubiquitous integrated voice-response systems and arrive quickly at living beings.
One contributor, having successfully cracked the telephone defences at Bell Canada, advises callers to "press '0' at each prompt and ignore 'Emily.' "
Lorna Rankin, project manager for the gethuman database and website, says people are particularly irritated by silken-voiced computers with names like "Emily" and "Julie" that promise to help but usually are of little or no use.
"It's frustrating for everyone, especially seniors," Ms. Rankin says.
"Older people with hearing problems often think 'Emily' is a real person and they can't understand why she keeps repeating herself and won't help them. It's demoralizing."
Organizations employ the automated systems -- called IVRs for integrated voice response -- to save money and time.
While BCE Elix, a Bell Canada company focused exclusively on contact centres, did not return messages left on its automated machines, the company website promotes IVR systems as a way to provide speedy access to information and services.
"[IVR] speeds up access to services, data, and information through immediate and real-time interaction," the company boasts.
Gethuman founder Paul English of Boston says the average wait time to navigate an IVR and reach a living customer service representative is 38 minutes.
Lane MacIntosh, a writer and creative consultant living in Ottawa, believes all automated phone systems are the tools of the devil, but his biggest beef is with the one employed by the Canadian government.
"It's all designed to give maximum comfort to bureaucrats and minimum service to people," Mr. MacIntosh said.
Ms. Rankin says some newer-generation phone systems have been fine-tuned to detect growing anger in the voices of customers. "I wouldn't encourage profanity, but we have been told that if you get angry, some will switch you through to a person."
Other techniques to bypass the systems include repeatedly pressing zero, the number sign or saying absolutely nothing. "Anything that confuses the computer," she says.
Ms. Rankin says gethuman is on a mission to bring back the human face of customer relations.
"If every company made zero the option for getting to a human, then it would be pretty simple."
