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(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

satire

Fear not, Occupiers. The sacred fire will burn on Add to ...



Attention Occupiers, Rob Ford and his fascist jackboots may have busted up the protest, but the spirit of Occupy will live on forever. Here’s what you can do to help:

Put Up a Tent

As Justice David Brown so famously failed to grasp, tents have been the go-to form of protest ever since cavemen erected animal-hide shelters to thumb their noses at the weather and its hegemonic modes of vertical oppression. Now the good news: Tents aren’t going anywhere. At this very moment, the MEC Wanderer 4 (aluminum T6 poles; removable second vestibule) is on clearance for only $249.

So here’s the plan: The first warm weekend in May, set up your tent on one of hundreds of legal mini Occupy sites that dot Algonquin Park. Wake up at the crack of dawn, light a sacred fire and wait for some greedy banker who’s blown his bonus on a cedar strip canoe with mahogany trim to paddle by. Then give him the finger and chant “we are the 99 per cent.”

Hold On to the Spirit of Incoherence

For the rest of your life, any time you identify a problem, fail utterly to articulate even the vague outlines of a possible solution. For example, 15 years from now, you could be living in a ranch-style bungalow in the ’burbs, contributing to an RRSP and driving your little ones to hockey games on weekends. One evening after dinner, your wife calls you down to the basement to call your attention to buckling drywall and a mouldy smell.

When she asks what it is, answer, “Water damage.” When she asks how to fix it, answer, “I don’t know. But I know there’s water damage.” Then pitch a tent and rekindle the sacred fire.

Combat Inequality with Drum Circles

Henceforth, any time you learn of some profound offence to the Canadian sense of social justice – an obscene CEO payout, jobs moving to China, Tony Clement talking – fight back with bongos and didgeridoos. As you partake in the warmth of the sacred fire, take heart in the knowledge that your rhythm-making is incredibly annoying to anyone who isn’t high.

Be Almost As Annoying About “Occupy” as Baby Boomers Are About “the Sixties”

For the next several decades, inflict nostalgic movies and “best of” albums that celebrate Occupy on generations too young to remember. Begin convocation lectures, after-dinner speeches and bedtime stories with self-mythologizing tales of Occupy glory. When the inevitable economic boom takes hold, discover a not-so-unexpected yen for material objects (that MEC tent was made in China, after all), but preserve your exaggerated sense of entitlement and historical importance. And one day, when your teenaged child asks, “Mom, what is horizontal decision making?” give your husband a saucy look and say, “Aren’t they supposed to teach that in health?” Then chuckle, pop the cork on a bottle of quality pinot, and bask in the glow of the sacred fire.



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