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(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

satire

You need to learn to speak Venusian, Mayor Ford Add to ...



Dear Mr. Mayor,

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then you have a problem – 34 per cent of council is from Venus. And now, with the looming defections of Michelle Berardinetti and Jaye Robinson from your executive committee, you risk losing all female support at City Hall, period. But before you get angry and lash out at someone you love, I have good news. It’s not your fault, Mr. Mayor.

As psychologists have been telling us for decades, men and women communicate differently. So if you still want a shot at the 2014 election, then it’s time to get in touch with your feminine side. You may not throw like a girl, but it’s high time you learned to express yourself like one. The key is following the three Cs:

1) Communicate!

The situation: The city council transit vote two weeks ago.

What happened: After getting shelled 24 to 19, you bolted to the elevator and sulked in your office for four hours.

Analysis: Like a typical male, you closed yourself off inside your cave of power and stewed in your toxic emotions.

Next time: Remember, you’re not the only one on council with feelings. So shake Paula Fletcher’s hand and say, “Today was your day. You’re an inspiration to me.” Diffuse any lingering tension with Kristyn Wong-Tam by telling her, “You may not have voted with me, but I love what you’ve done with your hair.”

The lesson: Words speak louder than actions!

2) Connect!

The situation: After vowing to lose 50 pounds by June 18, you suffered a disappointing setback during this week’s weigh-in.

Analysis: You gain three pounds and the best you can come up with is, “It’s tough”?

Next time: Tell them why it’s tough. Share your deepest insecurities about the “female gaze.” Say, “I know I don’t have the body I did when I was 24, and I may not look as sexy as I did before having children, but the people of this city elected me because of who I am, not the way I look.”

Lesson: Women are as interested in hearing about your problems as they are talking about their own.

3) Consensus!

The event: Longtime ally and former friend Karen Stintz – who you made chair of the TTC even though you totally could have given it to someone else – publicly betrayed you. You accused her of “stabbing you in the back.”

Analysis: Everyone knows Stintz is the real drama queen.

Next time: Start your own transit commission and make yourself chair. Then throw this awesome party and invite all the hot guys on council – Adam Vaughan (cute!), Josh Matlow (dreamboat!) – but don’t invite Karen Stintz. Then, when she corners you in council the next day in front of, like, everybody and demands to know why she didn’t get invited to your party, say, “Funny, I sent your invite with all the others. Maybe the mailman took the LRT.” Boom! Snap!

Lesson: Revenge is a dish best served cold.



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