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Grapes sours on the new Loblaws at Maple Leaf Gardens Add to ...

To celebrate Loblaws opening in the former Maple Leaf Gardens this week, Hockey Night in Canada will be presenting a supermarket-themed edition of Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry.

CUE INTRO MUSIC FROM COACH’S CORNER.

A montage of still images shows Don Cherry buying a raw octopus at a seafood counter; Don grasping a can of Pedigree for Blue; Don scowling at a jar of Russian-style mustard; a vintage Don inspecting a bin of Golden Delicious apples with a young Bobby Orr.

CUT TO THE COACH’S CORNER SET.

Don Cherry and Ron MacLean stand behind a desk. Cherry wears a bright red blazer imprinted with shopping carts, apples, roasted chickens and loaves of bread. His tie, which is yellow, is shaped like a banana. MacLean sports a blue CBC blazer.

Don Cherry [shouting] Now here’s the thing I don’t understand. When you go to the barber shop, does the barber hand you a pair of scissors and say ‘Go ahead, I’ll be in the back, eating doughnuts’?

Ron MacLean: You’re talking about the self-checkout line –

Don Cherry [shouting] Answer the question! Or how ’bout this: When you hail a taxi, does the driver pull over, hand you the keys and say, ‘You drive’?

Ron MacLean: The theory behind the self-checkout line –

Don Cherry [grumpily] I don’t care about the theory…

Ron MacLean [continuing] …the theory is, why wait in line for a cashier when you can do it yourself? It saves time and money.

Don Cherry: It saves who time and money? Not me, boy.

Ron MacLean: So putting that aside for a moment, you’ve got what may be the most historic building in hockey and it’s been reinvented by one of the country’s biggest supermarket chains. What do you think?

Don Cherry [composed] I think it’s disrespectful.

Ron MacLean: Why is that?

Don Cherry [shouting again] Are you tellin’ me the arena that saw some of the greatest players in the history of this sport – Punch Imlach, Bill Barilko, Dave Keon, you name it – should have this fancy raw-fish stand sushi bar or whatever you call it?

Ron MacLean: But people are saying – some are even tweeting about it – that if Punch Imlach were here today, he’d be eating sushi.

Don Cherry [shouting] Ree-diculous. Ree-diculous. And another thing. If they don’t do something to police these express checkout lines…

Ron MacLean: Have we got tape? [MacLean nods to someone off camera.]Have a look at this:

SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE SHOWS A SHOPPER PICKING UP ITEMS OUT OF A SHOPPING CART AND PLACING THEM ON A COUNTER BENEATH A SIGN THAT SAYS “EXPRESS LANE 1-14 ITEMS.”

Don Cherry [composed] Just have a look at this. Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen [getting angrier]seventeen, eighteen. Eighteen items. The limit is twelve.

Ron MacLean: It’s fourteen.

Don Cherry: Whatever.

Ron MacLean: But everyone knows this is happening all the time and no one is doing anything about it.

Don Cherry [shouting] That’s what I just said!

Ron MacLean: There’s talk about a rule change. That it should be baskets only in the express line – no shopping carts.

Don Cherry: So some little rat can stuff his basket fulla junk and butt in front of my cart, which only has seven items?

Ron MacLean: Do supermarkets need a Brendan Shanahan-type figure, a former shopper who sees it from both sides who can then determine what kind of disciplinary action is required?

Don Cherry: I’m sayin’ it’s about respect. If you tried something like that back in the day, boy, someone would let you have it. And I mean have it!

Ron MacLean: If there were more fighting at supermarkets, in other words, it would get rid of the cheap stuff.

Don Cherry [composed] Listen, for all you kids at home, unless those jerks have something to fear, they’re going to keep on doing what they’re doing.

Ron MacLean [smirking] Until then, it’s the self-checkout for you. Don Cherry in the Coach’s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada.

FADE TO BLACK



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