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(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

satire

Mayor Ford, we've found the next Gary Webster! Add to ...

Dear Mayor Ford and Esteemed Members of the TTC Board,

Following this week’s termination of Gary Webster (which was totally justified, not that it needs justification, but I’m just saying…), I hereby tender my application for the position of General Manager, TTC.

In the way of experience, I offer the following: Nothing. I think you will all agree that this makes me the most qualified candidate.

For too long, this city has been in the grip of so-called “transit experts,” union lovers with fancy degrees and multi-coloured charts who don’t understand a thing about the real world.

For example, did you know that the car is not considered a form of public transportation in the City of Toronto? How is this possible? Because last time I checked cars were:

A) A form of transportation

B) Driven by members of the public

Therefore, cars are public transport. Irregardless of this clear and compelling logic, the TTC says otherwise.

Not any more.

Because my first executive order as General Manager would be to devote half of the TTC’s annual budget towards subsidizing public transit by car. If the city can afford to buy LRTs at $4.3-million a pop, they can afford cars that cost just a fraction.

As General Manager of the TTC, I will ask tough questions overpaid bureaucrats are too afraid to ask. Such as: Why do cars have to stop every time someone gets off a streetcar? If someone gets out of a car, do all the streetcars have to stop? (That one was rhetorical.) If the people in streetcars are in such a rush, why don’t they just buy cars? (Which they will be able to do once I begin funding them.)

And why do streetcar drivers always ding their bell at each other? My second executive order will be to ban this.

I have an active and proud history as a grassroots transit activist that began at the tender age of 11, when I gave the finger to a bus driver who thought he could just pull out into traffic whenever he felt like it.

More recently, I protested the ruination of St. Clair by the TTC by driving in the prohibited streetcar lane. I was pulled over by police and Tasered, but the thrill of zooming over virgin tracks – tracks I pay for with my hard-earned tax dollars – was far greater than the 6,800 volts of electricity coursing into my abdomen.

Most importantly, I have an equally impressive resume as a lackey and stooge. A Grade 8 personality test described me as “a mean-spirited coward who seeks affirmation from figures of authority and tyrants.” From Grades 10 through 13, I served as a kind of volunteer butler for the school’s most savage bully. He would verbally and physically abuse me, and he even once ordered me to walk to Hamilton barefoot (which I did). But at his trial three years ago, I was the only one who stood by him in support.

I run a thriving internet business from my basement. Last year, I did over $43 in sales – a tripling of previous year’s revenues. Like your brother, I am a CEO management type who understands the value of a dollar.

I have taken up enough of your busy time with this letter. But should you be interested in hearing about my proposed express subway running between Milton and Ajax (without a single stop in between), I’d be happy to flesh it out in greater detail.

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Mark Schatzker



Special to The Globe and Mail

 

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