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(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

MARK SCHATZKER

Rob Ford's hidden agenda Add to ...

To: All Staff

From: Rob Ford, Doug Ford

Subject: The first 100 days

Team,

The finish line is in sight. Smitherman can't even get his family to vote for him, Pantalone's making Karl Marx sound like Rush Limbaugh, and Rossi is so bald his brain is sunburned. Victory is so goddamn close, we can smell it. (And it smells crispy on the outside and tender and juicy in the middle!) This election is OVER! It's time to start thinking about the transition, people. If we want to do it right, then we start doing it now. Welcome to the next four years!

November 1 - Mayor Ford declares all city-owned buildings to be "loser-free zones."

Do you hear that noise? It's the sound of the buck coming to a screeching stop. At long last, city workers are going to find out what the meaning of "work" is. And any freeloaders and clock watchers who don't like it - not to mention Toronto Island residents, not-for-profit types, people who speak too softly, actors, community organizers, medical marijuana users, the egregiously tattooed, and people with made-up allergies - can clear out their desks by lunch. (We are anticipating losing more than half of city staff, so if you owe anyone a favour, now is the time to get their kid a job at city hall.)

November 5 -Nathan Phillips Square becomes Nathan Phillips Lawn

You don't need to hire $400/hour European architects to fix Nathan Phillips Square. Mayor Ford is going to raze the ice rink and concrete and replace it with sod, a charcoal grill and a kidney-shaped pool, all surrounded by a Home Depot fence with a sign that says "Frisbee and hacky-sack playing prohibited."

Novermber 22 - Attention, artists! There's still plenty of funding available. But only if you paint pictures of sunsets or dogs playing poker.

November 29 - Car Freedom Day!

Mayor Ford will invite Toronto drivers to reclaim what's rightfully theirs: the road. Drivers are free to cut off cyclists, honk at good-looking women, and floor it when the crosswalk lights start flashing. At precisely 5:30 p.m., drivers across the city will pull over into bike lanes, put their cars in park and observe Toronto's first annual "moment of idle."

December 6 - The green roof gravy train just ran out of track. Any resident who rips up a green roof in favour of a double-car garage will see a 5 per cent reduction in property tax.

December 18- The Day of Garbage Atonement

On this historic day, the hard-working tax-paying citizens of Toronto will be invited to watch a parade of lazy, overpaid sanitation "workers" walk down Avenue Road in shame, forced to pick up all the stuff they refused to under the old regime: overweight green bins, overstuffed garbage bins, garbage bags with no City of Toronto tags, garbage bins with third-party raccoon proofing that hasn't been undone, and recycling bins filled with non-recyclable material. All the while, they will be followed by privatized garbage trucks blaring We Are the Champions. The parade climaxes at City Hall, where Mayor Ford will personally fire each and every sanitation worker who doesn't donate his 17 years of accumulated sick days to a football charity of the mayor's choosing.

January 5 - Youth Crime Awareness Day

The mayor will connect with the city's youth by inviting toddlers for a ride on his sit-down lawn mower around Nathan Phillips Lawn and warn them of the dangers of joining gangs or getting an arts degree.

January 20 - Intentionally weird restaurants, like Black Hoof, Parts & Labour and The Atlantic, which serve gross food that scares the tourists away, will be converted to recognizable restaurants that folks love and which are proud of their Canadian heritage, such as Boston Pizza.

January 29 - Film makers will now only receive arts funding for nostalgic high school football movies, like Remember the Titans (which is the best movie ever, by the way, and is actually about multiculturalism).

February 9 - Mayor Ford cuts the ribbon on the new 10-lane bridge to the Island Airport and petitions the province to designate it as a 400-series highway.

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