Now that Season 1 of The Real Housewives of Lorne Park has become an unlikely ratings sensation, Rogers Cable Television looks to spin the hit formula into a reality-TV gold. Herewith, selected scenes from three other shows currently in development.
The Real Yoga Moms of Leslieville
Somewhere in Leslieville. Two mothers, each dressed in Lululemon, catch up over fair-trade soy decaf lattes while suckling infants.
Mom 1: It doesn’t seem to matter how much I elongate my back, I just get super moody when Jeff gets home from work.
Mom 2: I was like that, too. But then I cut out gluten.
Mom 1: But I cut out gluten six months ago.
Mom 2: Are you sure? I read in a magazine that the CIA developed a type of GMO soy that has gluten in it.
Mom 1: I stopped reading magazines. That glossy substance they spray on the pages absorbs through your skin. Apparently it’s only one molecule away from the hormone that causes obesity.
Mom 2: How long has it been since your last cleanse?
Mom 1: About a month.
Mom 2: No offence, but it shows.
The Real Ex-Post-Hipster Non-Hipsters of West Queen West
Two recovering former hipsters sit in the living room of a rented apartment somewhere near the Gladstone Hotel and drink mainstream, non-micro-brewery beer.
Ex-Hipster 1: How are you adjusting to life without a handlebar mustache?
Ex-Hipster 2: It’s really hard.
Ex-Hipster 1: What do you mean?
Ex-Hipster 2: I crashed my brand new non-fixed gear bike into a tree because I forgot what it’s like to have actual brakes.
Ex-Hipster 1: Tell me about it. I went out to buy a coffee and had to wear pyjamas because all the T-shirts I own are, you know, cool.
Ex-Hipster 2: I have the same problem. I tried shopping at the Gap, but ended up with an outfit so dorky it looked…awesome.
Ex-Hipster 1: Everything I do is layered with irony.
Ex-Hipster 2: The fact that we’re having a conversation about regretting irony is itself ironic.
Ex-Hipster 1: I hate my life.
The Real Fake Pioneer Housewives of Black Creek Pioneer Village
A replica pioneer home near Steeles and Jane. Two women wearing white aprons and bonnets sit on wooden stools and chat while pounding a wooden butter churn.
Pioneer Woman 1: Everyone’s gone. You can stop churning.
Pioneer Woman 2 [continuing to churn] You’d best dip those candles in wax again, dearie, for we don’t have enough to last through winter.
Pioneer Woman 1 [pulling out a cellphone from the folds of linen] Um, whatever. Listen, we were thinking of heading to Boston Pizza for wings. You in?
Pioneer Woman 2: Aye, there’s a fine wife. Drinking the ale and eating the chickens that lay the eggs, while your husband is bent over a hot forge.
Pioneer Woman 1: You’re weird.
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