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SATIRE

Tim Hortons espresso may eradicate plumber's butt Add to ...



This past Monday, for the first time ever, Tim Hortons began pouring espresso coffee. Five days later, the Euro-ification of the GTA’s double-double crowd is all but complete.

“I went to Mark’s Work Warehouse to buy some jeans. None of them looked right, so I go up to the cashier, take a sip of my Timmy’s macchiato, and say, ‘Do you have any that are tighter in the crotch with a slight, and I mean very slight, flare at the bottom?’ She gives me this look. So I’m like, ‘Not exactly boot cut, but definitely not stovepipe, either.’ And she’s like, wha? And I’m standing there going, Where is this coming from?

– Gary, truck driver, Richmond Hill

“My plumber used to have the most disgusting plumber’s butt – flabby, hairy, and whiter than milk. On Friday, he comes over to fix a toilet that’s backed up and walks in carrying this latte and I’m like, whoa. He’s wearing these designer pants and his plumber’s butt is, I kid you not, lava hot. I’m talking buns of granite. This guy is definitely waxing. I had him replace a perfectly good garburator just so I could stand there and drool. We’re going dancing on Friday night.”

– Debbie, media executive, The Beaches

“My husband just hasn’t been the same since he started on those fancy cappuccinos. We went to Boston Pizza after dropping off the grandkids with my son-in-law and ordered the Tuscan pizza, like always, only when the waitress set it down, Jim just snaps. He says, ‘Feta? Are you kidding me?’ Then he stands up on his chair and starts pointing at this little cube of white cheese and shouts, ‘Is San Gimignano in Greece all of a sudden? Because I’m trying to figure out how feta cheese got on a Tuscan goddamn pizza.’ People were staring.”

– Brenda, grandmother, Oakville

“Me and the boys always hit Timmy’s before playing shinny on Wednesday nights. Only this Wednesday, we get out on the ice and are about to throw down sticks to pick teams when Joe says, ‘Does anyone feel like figure skating?’ And everyone just bursts out, YES! Then out of nowhere Die Fledermaus starts playing and Steve does this incredibly moving interpretation that switches halfway through to Waterloo by Abba and then culminates with this incredible triple axle. When it’s over, Larry – who laid this brutal knee-on-knee on Steve last week – skates over and gives him 36 long-stem roses. Everyone was crying.”

– Rob, St. Clair and Yonge

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