Go to the Globe and Mail homepage

Jump to main navigationJump to main content

Satire

Toronto’s cyborgs are people too. Sort of Add to ...

Steve Mann, who was assaulted recently at a McDonald’s in Paris, is just the latest Toronto-area cyborg to suffer discrimination. As the University of Toronto professor detailed in a blog posting this week, he was simply attempting to enjoy a ranch wrap, when a McDonald’s employee allegedly attempted to remove his “digital eye glass” – a vision-aid camera attached to his cranium by a strip of aluminum – which, as Prof. Mann put it, “loosened the ribbon cable on the spatial light modulator and made the laser go into my eye.” Prof. Mann may be the most famous GTA cybernetic organism to be treated differently because he is not fully human, but he’s hardly alone.

 

Luke, North York Jedi Master

 

“I got a robot arm three weeks ago after losing my real one in a fight with a Sith Lord on the very tip of the CN Tower. The new arm is terrific – you’d never know it wasn’t real. But everyone treats me different now. They think I’m going to turn to the Dark Side because I’m part machine. I’m like, what about Luke Skywalker? He was part cyborg and he killed the frickin’ Emperor. Meanwhile, there’s a Sith Lord on the loose. I’m pretty sure it’s Doug Ford.”

 

Daryl, Futurist Cyborg Master Race of Ajax

 

“I approached this total babe in a bar last week and asked her if she wanted to donate eggs for the cyborg breeding colony I’m setting up in my parents’ basement using a bunch of old Dell laptops. Speaking in a monotone computer voice, I complimented her bone structure and asked her how she felt about wearing a gold unitard and out of nowhere she waves the bouncer over. It’s just really hurtful.”

 

Jonah, ‘The One’

 

“My sociology prof tried to bust me for plagiarism because the essay I handed in can be downloaded off the Internet. We appeared in front of this academic disciplinary panel and I told them about the phone jack I have in the back of my neck that makes me basically inseparable from the Internet. They were like, ‘Okay, let’s see this phone jack,’ and I’m like, ‘You can’t because every one of us is actually naked and floating in a vat and everything we see around us – this table, the window, York University – is an illusion.’

Thankfully, they took my side. My professor still hasn’t apologized.”

 

Follow us on Twitter: @GlobeToronto

 

In the know

Most popular video »

Highlights

More from The Globe and Mail

Most Popular Stories