My fellow Conservatives,
As you no doubt have heard, we are now fixing the criteria for tax credits for Canadian movies and TV shows. From now on, we can simply deny tax credits to productions if we find them obscene or in any way personally offensive to our way of life. I see the future, my friends, and it stars Anne of Green Gables.
As our good friend Charles McVety said, this is a victory for the Canada Family Action Coalition. It is through their hard work - and the lobbying of our Justice Minister, Rob Nicholson, and Stockwell Day, our Minister of Public Safety, and numerous officials in my office - we can now ensure that likeminded conservatives have the final say on what kind of TV shows and movies get made in Canada.
This is just the start, although tackling the book publishing industry will have to wait until we get a majority. Like you, I look forward to the day when a wise man like Jim Flaherty can decide what is suitable reading material for all Canadians. Take that Margaret Atwood. Time for some mystery novels I think! For the time being though, we are busy with cleaning up show business.
So, on top of running the country, we have to watch all these God-forsaken Canadian movies. Who knew there were so many?
Today, we screened a new movie, something called the Trailer Park Boys. Poor Stockwell, he had a seizure during the opening credits and began to hyperventilate into a brown paper bag.
My friends, cutting off tax credits and probably bankrupting a company is not a decision I make lightly; luckily this film is made by a company in Atlantic Canada, so it's okay. This Trailer Park business just reinforces my belief that the region is mired in a culture of defeat. As I said to Chuck Strahl, our Minister of Indian Affairs, instead of glorifying drugs and violence they should simply make a nice show like The Forest Rangers. Chuck agreed: "You got that right boss, that Bubbles is no Joe Two Rivers." You can see why I trust Chuck so much.
Helena Guergis, Secretary of State for sport, had a good idea that could save the production. "Why not add a talking car," she said, "like Herbie the love bug?" Helena loves Herbie. She said Herbie goes to Monte Carlo was her favourite movie.
This horrified poor Stockwell. Throwing his panic bag aside, he shouted that such behaviour in a Volkswagen clearly indicated that Herbie was possessed by Satan. He told us the only thing that would fix that Love bug was a run through a carwash of holy water. This led Peter MacKay to inform us that when he was in university, a "love bug" meant that it hurt when you peed. Peter goes too far sometimes. He tortures Stockwell any chance he can get. Those two are always at it; if it's not arguing over how best to proceed in the Middle East, it's who looks better in fatigues.
Anyway, we decided that the Trailer Park movie could be saved, but only if all the scenes involving drugs, sex, guns and premarital sex were removed. Looks like it comes in at two and a half minutes now. The only thing left are shots of Bubbles and his kittens. I wish more people would make movies that are about kittens or puppies or rabbits.
The next movie we had to watch was introduced by Vic Toews, President of the Treasury Board. He was livid. In hushed and serious tones, he told us the movie was a lurid and violent tale about lesbian boys. He was very concerned that the gay agenda of the entertainment industry has moved past simply turning our sons gay and they are now concentrating on turning them into lesbians. It boggles the mind what passes for entertainment in Quebec.
Vic wanted an immediate vote on the movie without screening it. As he said, the title was all he needed to know that some tough justice was required to drive this Quebec company out of business tout de suite! (uh oh, Vic's working on his French). I am relieved to report that Vic was a bit confused and the movie was not about lesbian boys; it was just called Les Boys. It's not about lesbians at all, but hockey players. This will get the tax credit; we just have to change the title and remove the swearing and the sex.
Next up was, can you believe it, yet another Trudeau bio-pic, this one titled Trudeau: The Bi-Curious years. I always suspected the man was a bisexual, rumour has it he had sex with Barbara Streisand in the pool at 24 Sussex (note to self: Have Dimitris call public works and have the pool drained and repainted). This got the tax credit and the CBC will no doubt air it 17 times over the next six months. Oh well, it's their funeral.
The pleasant surprise of the evening was a movie that was penned by our very own Government House Leader, Peter Van Loan, written under his pseudonym Debbie Vanderlear. It is a modern retelling of My Fair Lady about a handsome young man at university who mentors young girls in conservative ideology. The man (a cross between Brad Pitt and Barney Rubble) dreams of finding a girl and grooming her to become prime minister. Unfortunately, after numerous attempts, he gives them all the creeps, so he has to become prime minister himself. I told him it would get the tax credit as long as they cut the last part, where he becomes prime minister. That's just too far fetched. My God, it's not science fiction.
Other highlights of the meeting included killing a David Cronenberg movie, killing a Paul Gross movie and killing a Sarah Polley movie - they have all said such bad things about me lately, the sooner they move on the better. Also, we put the kibosh on some kids' movie about carbon-dating dinosaurs (too unbelievable).
Our next meeting of the Conservative film club is in one week. Until then, God Bless Canada and save the aisle seat for me!
Yours truly,
Stephen Harper