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opinion

I don't believe in conspiracies. Chemtrails don't exist; they're merely water vapour from jet exhaust. The moon landing wasn't faked on a Burbank sound stage. Bacon doesn't just taste good, it's good for you. I believe in Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence."

So, I'm not a fan of conspiracy theories, but I am a fan of hockey. And, unfortunately, because we're on the verge of another winter of discontent, I'm about ready to dig out the tinfoil and form it into some kind of protective headgear. In 1992, the players went on strike and we lost 30 games; in 1994, the owners locked them out and the season was only 48 games long; we lost all of the 2004-2005 season due to Lockout: The Sequel; and here we go again, with an entire season in jeopardy as the brain trust running the NHL brings us Lockout 3-D: This Time It's Personal.

This has gone way past ineptitude right into malevolence. I'm offering up my own conspiracy theory: It's all Gary Bettman's fault (this theory already has a lot of true believers) and (here's the conspiracy part) he's doing this on purpose. Let me be clear: I absolutely don't believe that the NHL commissioner is some sort of reptilian humanoid answering to alien overlords. I wish. That would be too easy to deal with. The NHLPA's Donald Fehr rips off Mr. Bettman's mask of fleshy tissue in front of the cameras during the next joint press conference and we're back on the ice by the weekend.

Let's look at some facts. Since Mr. Bettman became commissioner way back in 1993, we've lost, so far, one and a half complete seasons due to his whimsical interpretation of collective bargaining. To put that in perspective, that's as long as a diet resolution from a Toronto mayor lasts.

It's all Mr. Bettman's fault. The billionaire owners and millionaire players can't seem to figure out a fair and equitable way to divvy up our money? Blame Mr. Bettman. Zamboni drivers cleaning community centre parking lots? Mr. Bettman. Ron MacLean forced to recreate his working conditions by wandering into the closest Legion and sitting next to the first available talkative crank? Mr. Bettman.

Yes, I realize he wasn't actually, you know, "in charge" when the players went on strike back in '92. But he did get hired shortly afterward and he has to be the reason that the Toronto Maple Leafs didn't get the memo that their job action actually ended, which explains why they've been on work-to-rule ever since.

Like most good conspiracy theories, I don't have a lot of "evidence" or "facts" to back up my assertion that Gary Bettman is deliberately trying to ruin the National Hockey League; it's more of an intuition or gut feeling. Although – look at his name. Bettman? Sounds like "Bet Man," as in "I Bet this Man could ruin the game of hockey forever."

Empirical proof, as with many conspiracy theories, particularly those dealing with end times, will only come once he finally retires to his home in New York, which I picture looks like the lair of a Bond villain – deep underground in a dormant volcano, with maybe a (San Jose) shark tank for ambience.

Sitting in an oversized chair (I know, redundant) patting (and then biting the heads off) his cats, Gary Bettman will finally collect his pension from the NFL or the NBA or whoever has been secretly paying him all these years to ruin the NHL.

Ian Ferguson won the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour for his book Village of the Small Houses. Based in Victoria, he is the creative director for Less Bland Productions.

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