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There is a recent shampoo commercial featuring a series of women repeatedly saying, ‘I’m sorry.’ Its point is that women often instinctively apologize unnecessarily and should stop because it shows weakness and undermines their message.

This column is part of Globe Careers' Leadership Lab series, where executives and experts share their views and advice about leadership and management. Follow us at @Globe_Careers. Find all Leadership Lab stories at tgam.ca/leadershiplab.

I've noticed a disturbing trend of articles explaining why there aren't more women in the highest ranks of business. Often presented as "advice," with titles such as "Five ways women sabotage their careers" or "The seven most common ways women limit their success," the subtext is that women are failing to conform to certain unwritten behavioural rules deemed necessary to succeed in the workplace.

I can't stand this type of advice. It takes a one-size-fits-all, blame-the-victim stance, and makes women feel guilty about not following rules that they didn't write and, frankly, that may not be helping businesses in any meaningful way.

Rather than telling women they are holding themselves back, isn't it time to change the rules? Here are two pieces of advice in particular I've received – or even given out at times – that I'd like to change.

"Don't be too nice"

I once worked with a bright, soft-spoken and unfailingly polite young woman. She was good at her job – which involved touchy situations and hard judgment calls – precisely because of these traits. After we had both left that company, she asked me to be a reference for a higher position. When the chief operating officer of the company she had applied for called me for a reference, she said, "I only have one question. Is she too nice for this job?"

I found the question exasperating. How has "niceness" come to represent weakness or ineffectiveness? How can this attribute be viewed as bad for business? And what in the world does it mean to be "too" nice? Not only did I believe this candidate was successful in her job because of her polite, gentle nature, but I am convinced that had she tried to come across as more direct, more assertive or more bullying, she would have failed miserably.

This is particularly critical in the legal profession, where the adversarial nature of law is commonly used as an excuse for boorish behaviour; where the term "pitbull" can be a compliment and "nice" can be hurled as an insult. But is this the best way to conduct business? I'm hard-pressed to think of a time where I believe a negotiation, case or other business interaction has actually benefited from rudeness.

So, what if we made niceness the "rule" and not a career-limiting liability? Leaders have the power to reward men and women who are blessed with the type of instincts this woman possessed. "Niceness" is a strength to be cultivated, not a weakness or performance flaw. Let's take the rule not to be "too nice" off the table.

"Don't apologize"

There is a recent thought-provoking shampoo commercial featuring a series of women repeatedly saying, "I'm sorry." "Sorry, but I have a question." "Sorry to interrupt." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." Its point is that women often instinctively apologize unnecessarily and should stop because it shows weakness and undermines their message.

I loved the ad when I first saw it. Overapologizing can become instinctive and distracting. Upon reflection, I want to ensure that we aren't falling into the same trap here that we can with admonishments not to be too nice. The bigger problem isn't women who apologize too much, but employees who fail to take responsibility for their actions. Rather than telling women not to apologize because they'll look weak, let's focus on encouraging all employees to show their strength by apologizing and taking ownership for mistakes.

The bottom line: Authenticity counts. The women and men I most admire and who have successfully climbed to the upper echelon of business are those who are genuine. This doesn't mean they can't improve their approaches. They have individual strengths and weaknesses, but they use those to move forward. They succeed because they conduct their business in sync with their values, priorities and unique personal styles. I have never met someone who succeeded by playing a role when that didn't feel genuine.

Whether it's being too nice or too apologetic, let's not ask women to conform to rules they didn't write. These traits shouldn't be viewed as problems, but as advantages – ways to make our workplaces more pleasant, more civil and ultimately more effective. Let's refocus that energy to drive innovation, business success and to mentor and encourage others.

Now is the time to change the rules.

Amy Weaver is general counsel at Salesforce.com (@salesforce).

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