Dear Sheldon,

I need some help for my wife. About a year ago she lost her mother who was the closest person to her in the world. This, combined with her habit of always worrying about everything, has manifested itself into leg cramps, headaches, abdominal-area pains and worse. I have bought books on stress relief, copied articles on positive thinking and researched Web pages on stress disorders all to let her know that her situation is the result of the habit of thought and is not a physical problem. She has been to a doctor who prescribed Paxil. For my wife the pill is worse than the problem. She does not take anything at this time. In spite of the fact that I research and get information written from doctors, she only believes it when it comes directly from a doctor.

I have offered counselling, therapy, the works. She just can't stop herself from worrying about absolutely everything. I have told her that she will miss her entire life because she worried herself right through it. It is debilitating for her and I don't know where else to look.

Perhaps seeing herself in an article will motivate her to try a different direction.

Your thoughts are appreciated.
Worried to Death

Dear Worried,
I wish we were able to talk directly because I don't understand a couple of things you stated. Am I correct in assuming that she is not taking the Paxil? Is it also fair to assume that she has declined your suggestion for counselling? In my view your wife could well benefit from both. Excessive worry is often associated with obsessive-compulsive thinking. That means that a person has an experience like a tape recorder playing over and over in their minds. This can increase blood pressure, adrenaline secretion and make a person feel quite agitated. I suggest you stop showing her research or doing anything that resembles nagging and instead encourage her to get help. If her doctor has sway over her, talk with him/her and get a referral to a mental-health professional arranged. There are several methods for treating obsessive-compulsive thinking but a physician alone is not enough. Her problem can be solved, just get her to the right resource.

Dear Sheldon,
My husband and I are both in our late 40s and busy professionals, especially my husband, who travels extensively as part of his job. We've been married for 16 years. Fourteen months ago my husband informed me that he was unhappy in our relationship. The problems he raised -- things that I do or don't do sufficiently well, have surfaced on and off over the life of our marriage. I suggested marriage counselling but he said he was considering splitting up. This came as a complete shock to me. We have a young teenage son who was just entering high school. I'd felt that we owed it to our son to try to resolve our differences if at all possible. I'd spoken to my husband about this on many occasions. He has remained non-committal and very non-communicative.

While we continue to live in the same house, my husband has withdrawn from the physical side of our relationship, he moved into the spare bedroom the same evening he'd made his announcement. There has been no effort on his part to discuss our problems.

Several months later, my husband informed me that he had formed an attachment with someone -- someone he can apparently really talk to, and he'd hoped that it would lead to something permanent. You can understand how hurtful these words were to me. Unable to deal with the stress of my home life and undergoing major upheavals at work, I quit my full-time job several months later. Lately we've been able to talk more openly about our problems and he has promised to go into counselling in a couple of months' time -- his choice of timelines, not mine. He has promised before but nothing has come of it.

My question is: It has now been over a year and my feelings toward him have started to change. He recently informed me that the relationship he'd alluded to early on was something he'd said to merely stop me from yammering on! Many times over the year he has purposely ignored me. I feel like I'm being unfairly punished for his general unhappiness. I ask myself whether I really want to be with someone who can be so cruel and uncaring. I also worry about what affect these problems -- which we have been trying to hide from our son, are having on him? Should I continue to hold out hope that this is a passing rough spot in our marriage and put it behind me or ask him to leave while we sort out our problems and get counselling for being such a patsy?
Tired of the whole mess
Dear Tired,
Frankly, your situation sounds quite painful and unpleasant. However, I can't see how you can make any conclusive decisions without having undertaken counselling to examine just exactly what is going on. I sense that you have been quite passive and allowed your husband to call all the shots. For example, the idea of waiting another two months to go for counselling sounds like plain passive aggression to me. Letting a year pass and existing in a kind of cold war is not healthy.

You must insist that the counselling start immediately. If he won't go, you attend by yourself. No one should exit a troubled marriage without trying all possible efforts to fix it. If your husband doesn't want to undertake repair efforts, he should say so directly.

If you are losing heart to continue, discuss it with him and with a counsellor. If you have him leave, you may as well call the marriage over. Don't do anything further without some professional assistance.
Sheldon Walker is an Alberta chartered and B.C. registered psychologist. He is also a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

E-mail your questions to: swalker@globeandmail.ca