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The new sex talk

SIRI AGRELL

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 1:56 PM EDT 01/05/07

Kids are getting away with risky behaviours online because parents are afraid to ask about their Internet use ...Read the full article

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  1. gord winters from Canada writes: Mr. Nickel is in for a shock in a couple years when he dries that stuff with teenage daughters. good luck pal.
  2. B Johnson from Hfx, Canada writes: Mr. Nickel is absolutely correct. Parents have got to start parenting. Your kids have plenty of friends, they don't need adult friends too, they need parents to be parents. They're looking for guidance (in a roundabout way) and if parents are too intimidated to give it, who will?

    Both my husband and myself are Internet savy and have been since the mid-80s. We once had 4 computers a firewall all in one room. If the kids were on the net, they were on it in our presence. They grew up learning DOS, then Windows, and then Linux, so they're pretty savy as well now as adults.

    The Internet is a parallel social reality. Not knowing about what's going on with the Net and your kids is like turning them loose on the streets with no supervision. Parents who cry 'I don't have time to learn the Net' are irresponsible and need to set their priorities in order.
  3. Mean Machine from Bugtussle, Canada writes: unplug the computer and discard it.
  4. Peter Choate from Calgary, Canada writes: As a therapist who works with teens and their families, I can say with certainty that 9/10 parents ahve no idea what is going on when the kids are plunking away at the computer. When I teach parents about what can and / does happen on MySpace, Facebook, Nexopia and so on, they are astonished. I showed one parent recently how kids hook up for drugs on Nexopia and get education on how to use drugs. I spoke with another who hooked up with a guy who alleged he was a teen. He turned out to be over 18 and the result was quite dangerous.

    These risks are not police hype - they are real - my colleagues and I get to see the results daily.

    Parents need to be involved, monitor regularly and get the computers out in public areas of the house.

    Yes - also unplug them and get involved in your kids lives - do things and reconnect as a family versus joint occupeirs of the household electronic world.

    Peter Choate, MSW RSW
    Calgary
  5. iclub seals from Canada writes: I keep the computer in the most high traffic area of the house.

    MSN or any of those chat things are not allowed, you guys want to talk?
    Use the phone. The computer is for homework and online games.

    I run regular scans and anyone that says they don't know how to use a computer or they don't know what thier kids are doing online really needs to get more involved with thier kids, remember--in 100 years it will not matter what your house looked like or what kind of car you had. what will matter is what kind of kids you raised
  6. Enzo Campini from Montreal, Canada writes: Just keep the computer in a family room. If the kid needs a computer to get schoolwork done, then it should only have a productivity suite installed on it with a word processor and maybe an encyclopaedia. No internet and no games.

    For when your not home, put a filter on the computer.

    What's so hard about that? Are we that technologically stunted?
  7. Paul who is from Vancouver, Canada writes: .
    Arni Stinnissen of the Ontario Provincial Police: 'Parents either don't know, don't care or don't want to know.'

    Toronto Catholic District School Board teacher Quentin D'Souza organizes resource evenings for parents at his school so they can learn about the Internet sites kids visit:

    'At the last one, two people showed up. I set up 100 seats.'

    A computer in a kid's bedroom is one thing.

    Putting a computer with an internet connection and a webcam in a kid's bedroom is another.

    Why would any parent in their right mind do that?

    An internet connected computer should be in the living room.

    If parents don't care now, this article will do little to change that, but parents shouldn't still be allowed to hide behind the 'unaware' excuse.
  8. Larry King Jr. from Windsor, Canada writes: Political correctness-though shalt not offend anybody-coupled with a culture of greed-two working parents - and a sense that children should be coached and never consequenced ,has resulted in a generation of students who have a powerful sense of entitlement.
  9. Young Canadian from Montreal, Canada writes: B Johnson: Why do I question your actual savvy? Oh yes, a firewall is not a physical item in your room that keeps it warm. That is, at least in the rest of Canada; maybe techno-hip Halifax has something special going on. It must by your liberal use of early 90's 'Net' lingo. I can just picture the 4 happy Johnson family members all typing, sitting with backs to each other warmed by a crackling firewall and not talking. A perfect nuclear family.
  10. Doc Holliday from Toronto, Canada writes: Please... a filter or firewall or passwords or whatever will not stop a young people from using a computer the way they want. For consumer level security packages, one simply has to google persistently to find out how to break it or circumvent it.

    The article it correct in suggesting parental involvement. Treat the computer as a dumb terminal, and teach kids how to use it properly. Putting up obstacles in their way is just a challenge to them.
  11. Dawn Lotus from Canada writes: Young Canadian, it sounds like you're just jealous that you're not 31337 enough to use Linux.
  12. Ryan Fillmore from Sackville, Canada writes: I agree that parents do need to be more into what their kids are doing online, but I do not think they should be spying on them, checking up on who they talk to, or what social sites they are members of. Parents needs to do more about the birds and the bee's at home (both about the internet and about sex itself). However, we should not start restricting access to methods of expressing ourselves or kids expressing themselves. Anytime that steps are taken to restrict how a person can express themselves (whether offensive or not) is dangerous and stupid.
  13. Turth Hurts from Toronto, Canada writes: Hey parents go to www.urbandictionary.com if you want to stay current on the lingo used by teens today. Also try listening to some hip-hop as this is where most of the terms derive from, becuase you know it's cool to be gangsta!!

    I would suggest that all parents communicate with their kids EVERYDAY and to get involved in their lives, even if it means missing out on a day of golf (heck why not bring them with you and teach them something). The truth of the matter is that parents (for the thousand reasons out there) are too busy to be a parent today and this is hurting the children and teens of tomorrow.
  14. J. Coffey from Toronto, Canada writes: Larry, were it not for two incomes, our family of five would not have had dinner. I think it was another type of greed that insisted on double incomes.
  15. Michael Leblanc from Toronto, Canada writes: This is summed up by the line 'I am not my kids' friend, I'm their parent.' Too many parents try to be hip and down with the scene and let their offspring run wild.
    I would absolutely monitor my child's surfing. Yes, certain sites would be blocked. No the Internet would NOT be available in his/her bedroom. There are various places where kids can access unrestricted web use i.e. internet cafes --- there is no need to provide this in the home.
    Has anybody else noticed the corelation between childhood obesity (which is skyrocketing) and computer use?
  16. Rob Nickel from Cambridge, Canada writes: Thank you for the best wishes with my daughters. I appreciate it.

    Rob Nickel
    www.cyber-safety.com
  17. Rob Nickel from Cambridge, Canada writes: my last comment was for the first post by the way. I understand that when children get into the teen years they become a little bit more hard to handle - however from speaking with thousands of high schools students on Internet Safety - when they understand the dangers - they are more careful - period.

    Parents have to be more involved (as much as possible) and yes I have monitoring software on my computer at home, it is in the kitchen where I can see where my children go but they can only access child approved sites using software called RAZZUL for kids 3 to 12 years. When they are older I will use more monitoring software but they will be aware of it so it is not spying - it is letting them know I care enought about them to protect them and educate them.

    Long and short - I just give suggestions to parents - make sure what you do is a product of your own conlusion. By doing what I do if one child is saved from being abuse, exploited or harmed in any way, it is worth every second I spend educating, and sharing the message.

    All the best.

    Rob Nickel
    http://www.cyber-safety.com
  18. s mebep from Edmonton, Canada writes: Any parent who allows their kids to go on-line unsupervised is an idiot. Any parent who puts a PC with internet access in their kids bedroom is an idiot.
  19. Ms. Jan from Toronto, Canada writes: The end of this article is bogus because instead of using watchwords from an actual parental list, the Globe has trolled urbandictionary.com for inflammatory words to scare parents. Come on, Globe. You usually have more integrity than that.
  20. Adebisi TheGamer from Canada writes: I do alot of residential PC repairs. Customers with teens often ask me about methods to monitor their kids. I tell them, that since I am there anyway, I can block many known pervert domains on their router or computer, limit internet availability in their kids room to any hours they specify, and even monitor their child's chat room activity and have it mailed to them daily for a a few days so they can find out just what their kids do.

    Without fail, for the sake of a lousy 29 bucks, they tell me not to bother.

    I have never, ever, had a client willing to spend the 29 bucks to do this. All I have ever seen is a lot of lip service, and a complete lack of willingness to actually get involved and monitor their kids online. I don't think it is because they are cheap, I think they have a fear of what they may find. They know, I mean they have to know, that when they let their kid keep a computer in their bedroom, with unrestricted internet access, and the kid spends most of his free time at that computer with his door locked, something is likely going on.

    I will also add this. If you think kids are misbehaving on facebook, then you don't want to know what they do with their webcams....

    Anyone who gives a kid a webcam, a computer, and lets them lock their bedroom door is BEGGING for trouble.
  21. Fairly Odd Fairy from Orleans, Canada writes: It's scary out there for kids these days, especially if your parents haven't caught up technologically. As I grew up, my parents worried about the guy in the school yard with candy, or the big black van following me home. Now with the internet, parents need to worry about who's on the computer (in their kids bedroom ?), who the kids are talking to and so on. There lies the problem... parents don't worry as much as they should, nor do they put enough stock in 'what' their kids are doing in their spare time.

    It's always been this way though, where some parents do and some don't. When I was young, I had to call my parents when I got to where I was going and before I left. I had a curfew and my parents knew my friends parents, where we hung out and with who. My parents were parents, not friends. My friends, had the run of the house, no responsibility, no curfews and so on.

    The internet just opens up that 'unknown' part of your child's life, making more at home as well as away. If parents don't get involved, they don't know what's going on. 'Family' has taken on a very independant meaning in this day and age.

    P.S. Whatever happened to going outside to play?
  22. Harper is Da Man from Ottawa, Canada writes: In all honesty, I really don't think parents care. How has society gone this far? I don't know. But I do know it's sad.
  23. C. T. from Canada writes: I've just finished reading all of the above comments and I find it amazing that not one person commented on something I see quite often. I am an adult whom chats in chat rooms and has seen many times some issues that feed into the above issues. I see parents online in chat rooms cyber bullying, stalking and many other things that we don't want our children doing. These parents also openly admit that their children are present and watching them while they are doing these things, I have even seen them bring their children into adult chat rooms to speak on the mic. They think its cute but they don't even realize the exposure they are inflicting on their children. Children copy their parents in many ways, including things that the adults should not be doing. The adults need to set a good example for their children as well as take proper precautions like monitoring their childrens behaviers online as many of the above comments state. I have even seen teenagers come into adult chat rooms (over 40's) to ask other adults question because their parents aren't around for them to ask or they are afraid to ask their parents. Most of the time the adults in the room will first ask the child where their parents are, then depending on the question they will answer as a responsible adult then chase them out of the room. However, not all of the people, although they are in the same age groups are adults and they carry on as if there were no children in the room. So it makes you wonder, where are these kids parents. and also with respect to my first point, how many of these kids learned their nasty behaviour from watching their parents do the same things online.
  24. J S from Toronto, Canada writes: s mebep. My parents did that and I turned out fine. Shocking! Oh no, I may have looked at porn from when i was 14 or so, and chatted with strangers. Well, I am not a sex addict, nor have I being abducted by a old man. Not to say that parents shouldnt be involved, but the fact is technology is there, and just because your kids go on facebook, myspace etc. it does not mean they will be abducted or turn out to be a crackhead.
  25. C M from Calgary, Canada writes: I totally agree with Rob Nickel that our children need us to be their parents first and foremost, and that's what I fully intend to be (and have been) whether it makes me popular or not. My daughter is now nine, and has known for years that we will only ever have one computer in our house - a family computer, in the kitchen, and in full view of everyone in the house - despite a few of her friends having them in their bedrooms already. Can I protect her from everything and prevent her from looking at stuff she shouldn't? No, I can't, but I'm doing my damn best to make sure she is, at the very least, educated about online dangers, just as I do with all the other safety issues we teach them.
  26. Billy Bob from Saskatchewan from Canada writes: Adebisi I can relate to that. I have seen parents balk at doing something as simple as changing the security settings on IE. Not willing to spend $29 for a pratical service is paathetic. Yet I bet they have no problem shelling out 15$US month after month for WoW.
  27. David Le Gallez from Ottawa, Canada writes: I don't see the difficulty.

    My wife and I have all the passwords to all of out daughter's email and chat accounts. If she changes a password or creates a new account and fails to tell us about it, there will be a grounding from internet use for an appropriate amount of time.

    Once when she was grounded she thought she would be smart and sneak in some chat while we weren't home. What she did not know is that my wife also has an MSN account and has my daughter set up as one of here friends. So she can see when out daughter is online. So I un-installed MSN messenger from the home PC. The kid thought she was smarter than me and re-installed it. I found out so I simply configured the firewall to block anything from MSN and put an administrator lockout on the firewall and the PC.

    Internet use is just way too easy to monitor and control. There are no excuses. I even remote controlled the PC once to shut down MSN when I saw my daughter was chatting when she was supposed to be doing homework.

    It took a little while but she eventually got the message and learned her lesson.

    As parents we must educate ourselves
  28. Benoit Evans from Quebec, Canada writes: Quote from the article: “I will tell you this, when they're on the computer in my house, I'll do what I want to do. If I want to log their chats, I'll log their chats,&8221; Mr. Nickel says. &8220;I'm not my kid's friend, I'm their parent.&8221; ---An involved parent takes REASONABLE steps based on a child's age and maturity. Violating a child's privacy in this kind of way is unreasonable and at least in Québec, is likely to be illegal. The Civil Code says, 'Every decision concerning a child shall be taken in light of the child's interest and the respect of his rights. ...No one may invade the privacy of a person without the consent of the person...unless authorized by law. ...' Among the examples of invasion of privacy is 'intentionally intercepting...his private communication. Depending on the child's age and the circumstances at a particular time, it may be proper to monitor his or her private communications. To do so on a wholesale basis, especially if they are not informed beforehand, is a breach of trust. A parent's legal authority to act in a child's best interest must be balanced with the legal obligation to respect a child's privacy rights.
  29. C M from Toronto, Canada writes: The internet is one of the purest forms of anarchy in the world. For the parents that don't watch their kids online activity - do you also let them stay out all night hangin' around a street corner while they talk to strangers? I've seen a couple of comments here that basically said - parents, be parents. I couldn't agree more. The schools and government shouldn't have the responsibility of raising your child.
  30. Craig Scott from Republic of Newfoundland, Canada writes: Michael Leblanc from Toronto....From reading your post it is clear that you either don't have kids of they are not old enough to use the computer. That being said I think it is a bit simplistic to link childhood obesity to computer use. Now if you had said video games I could buy that a little more but I still don't think that is the anwser. Childhood obesity has more to do with lazy parents in my opinion than any electronic device in the home. Usually when I see fat children they usually have fat parents and the children ended up that way because of the parent. If parents exposed their kids to an active lifestyle in the early years and promoted it as they grow up then most of this obesity would be avoided. Then if you combine that with a healthy diet then even better. I have 2 kids and my son likes to go on the internet...he is 5 years old and I sit with him when he is on there. After supper every night he has 1Hr of play time...that can be 1H of TV if he wants or 1/2H on the computer and 1/2H tv. Basically he can do what he wants for that hour. Usually he wants to go outside and play, that is because I have always encouraged him to go outside and do an active activity. I try and do the best I can as a parent to ensure my kids get proper guidance when it comes to their recreational time, education, entertainment and their diet. I think my kids are well rounded and when it comes time that they are old enough to make decisions on their own I would hope that responsible parenting would have an influance on the decisions they make. If more parents took the time to really be part of their kids lives and be a positive role model for their kids we would have far less problems than we have today.
  31. ALASTAIR JAMES BERRY from Nanaimo BC CANADA, Canada writes: David Le Gallez from Ottawa, Canada writes:' I don't see the difficulty.'

    'My wife and I have all the passwords to all of out daughter's email and chat accounts. ...... a grounding from internet use for an appropriate amount of time.
    Once when she was grounded she thought she would be smart and SNEAK in some chat while we weren't home. What she did not know is that my wife also has an MSN account and has my daughter set up as one of here friends.
    It took a little while but she eventually got the message and learned her lesson.'

    IMAGINE HOW MUCH TRUST LE GALLEZ'S DAUGHTER MUST HAVE IN HER SNEAKY PARENTS!!! I reckon she's a candidate for a 'midnight flit' to some boyfriend's pad soon.
  32. Craig Scott from Republic of Newfoundland, Canada writes: Benoit Evans from Quebec.......It is crazy laws and policy like that which is largely responsible for the problems in our society.

    Children are children...they need to be supervised by their parents. I can tell you this no child of mine will ever tell me how it is going to be while they live in my house and are under the legal age of maturity 18.

    If they don't like my rules they can get the hell out. My computer, my internet my house, my rules and that is the way it is.

    It is socialist policy with regards to the rights of parents when it comes to our kids that have created most of the problems we have now.....abortions without parental consent, sex at 14 without parental consent, doctors keeping information from parenst when it comes to their kids.

    I could go on and on but it is a bit ridicoulous when you think about it.
  33. David Le Gallez from Ottawa, Canada writes: ALASTAIR JAMES BERRY from Nanaimo BC CANADA, 'IMAGINE HOW MUCH TRUST LE GALLEZ'S DAUGHTER MUST HAVE IN HER SNEAKY PARENTS!!! I reckon she's a candidate for a 'midnight flit' to some boyfriend's pad soon.'

    Look, a liberal. And on that doesn't have kids either.
  34. Elena Y from Canada writes: Surely you can restrict computer access all you want have fun!

    I'd rather put my efforts into bringing up smart kids who know better than hooking up to use drugs on-line. And who are computer-savvy; people are you serious about restricting MSN? Wake up to the reality : computers aren't just for homework and on-line games.

    In fact, spare the on-line games, what a waste of money. Computers and technology in general can do so much for your kids socially, future-career-and-university-wise.
  35. Tom Pasquit from Canada writes: Ryan Fillmore: Stop with the freedom of expression BS. You tried the same tack on the Facebook discussion area.
    Monitoring your child has nothing to do with freedom of expression. When your child was young you didn't let them run across a road, you took their hand. You watched them go somewhere on their own the first from a distance, to ensure they got there safely. If they were going to a friends house and didn't call when they got there they realized there was a consequence. Now in this day and age you watch them on line until you are certain they are capable of doing something safely. It is as much to see (more in fact) who is talking to them and what they are saying than what your children are saying. Freedom of expression doesn’t mean saying something and hiding behind anonymity. That's being a coward and a bully.
  36. J Dick from Canada writes: That's a great idea to log every word your childen type on the computer. Perhaps you can record all of their phone conversations as well, and plant listening devices on their clothes so that you can hear every word that they communicate with their friends.

    Or, you could be a proper parent and develop communication and trust with your children such that they feel good about talking with you - regardless of the communication device involved.

    Trust is a two-way street and spying on your children is not a great way to develop trust. You don't have to be their buddy, but you don't have to be a maniacal dictator either.

    Perhaps Mr. Nickel should retire from his current position, and seek work with Homeland Security if he fears unmonitored communication so greatly.
  37. harry potter from Toronto, Canada writes: Parents have very limited rights and are restricted in every respect. Children are encouraged to complain against parents. Children are encouraged to rebel against parents in the name rights. You don't teach too many rights to children and expect them to obey their parents.
  38. Bart Farquart from Calgaria, Canada writes: Somewhere between the permissive and the control freakish there is some common sense.

    Put the computer in a common and open area. Talk to them. Let them know there is a difference between being a parent and being a best buddy who will do anything to avoid friction. If your job is taking you away from your kids find another job.

    I view the internet as more of a potential time waster than a threat to safety. If junior is getting fat and spending hours gorming around on nexopia, facebook, or MSM kick him off, grab a soccer ball, and go do something healthy and fun.
  39. merry jane from moncton, Canada writes: Its not too hard to track what your kids are doing. Search the temporary internet files(cookies, images), browser history. and if all else fails install a keystroke logger, also be sure it takes screenshots as well. U dont have to snoop all the time, just do spot checks every once in a while. then u can sleep at nite, knowing all is good in netland.
  40. Harper is Da Man from Ottawa, Canada writes: Gord...What is your problem with this guy? Jealous or something?

    It's because he's a former cop isn't it...
  41. Andrea Timmons from Kingston, Canada writes: First they blamed the kids' wild sexual & violent behaviour on: tv;video arcade;etc; and now it's the computer!
    It's the 'rents' studpid!
    'Rents' as the kids call 'em, (and sometimes rightly so because kids have to practically pay parents to pay attention to them anymore), used the tv as babysitter & then cried 'TV brainwashed my kids'.
    No matter how much the 'rents' rant, nothing will change until they mature before their kids.
  42. ALASTAIR JAMES BERRY from Nanaimo BC CANADA, Canada writes: Kids and sex - always an imflammatory subject and one many adults refuse to accept until it is finally forced on them! Childrens brains work far faster than any adults and kids see and are willing to accept many things as normal that an adult cannot.(Look at Iraqi kids playing in the streets with shells and bullets flying). Kids must be taught from kindergarten on that sex, drugs, hot water, electrical outlets, fire,streets and sharp knives all have their uses and may have dangers and pleasures associated with them. All kids want to be adults(and in their opinion the sooner the better) and although kids like to show prowess in virtually everything they do, SEX is the most ADULT thing they can do. And from about the age of 9 in girls and perhaps 11 in boys, kids THINK ABOUT SEX!! Now the internet allows kids to interact perhaps more easily than in past generations(but perhaps not!!) and it is normal that sex will come up in the chat.. There are predators and agents provocateur out there, waiting to pounce, but the best way of getting kids to avoid them is to get the kids only to chat with people they can see!! This needs to be hammered into them before they get familiar with the secret jargon (POS) that enables parents to see and hear only 'harmless stuff' .....An interesting pastime is to observe a group of teeny bopper girls with a camera cell phone and a boy on the other end of the line with a camera too!! Kids are far more adult and their hormones rage much more than we suspect or remember and if we do not trust them we will lose them in the dark underworld of the internet.
  43. john cena from POOPY, Afghanistan writes: this is jus dumb y should parents be embarrased to talk bout dis they should jus put the computer in the family room
  44. Lee Turner from Canada writes: I'm not going to tell anyone how to parent their own children but I think some of the steps parents are taking are a little extreme. I think constant monitoring, and the need to know every single little last detail of a child's email account doesn't really invoke a lot of trust in a parent. Everyone has secrets, whether its embarassing or just personal, everyone needs some degree of privacy (I got a few embarassing skeletons no one needs to know about, we all do). I just think constant monitoring is going to force kids to go to extreme and possibly dangerous lengths to get some prvivacy. What happened to a frank discussion about sex and how it applies to the internet? When I was 15, my mom (who gave birth to me in her teen years) set me down, gave me a box of condoms and said 'Sex is nothing to be ashamed about, its a good thing, but don't be an idiot and do it safely.' No one told her about sex when she was young, and surprise! She became pregnant at 17. I turned out just fine, with a healthy, safe attitude towards sex. No girls would have sex with me in highschool, so I didn't really get the chance... Like it or not, teens are little balls of raging hormones, and are physically adults. They are going to be curious about sex and experiment. Its going to happen. So, have a frank, open and honest discussion with your kids. Tell them sex is beautiful but that there are dangers. Once you flash a webcam, its on the internet forever, for instance. Kids understand a lot more than we adults give them credit for.
  45. Kenneth Burger from Warren, United States writes: I got my first Internet capable computer in my room when I was 13 years old and had a prodigy account, which later became an AOL account, and later changed to other services. I regularly used online BBSes and the Internet. I used to like chatting an email and surfing the web, though it was more limited at the time because the Internet was not fully developed then. The worst thing I got into despite the fact that I had the computer in my room and unmonitored was pornography. Yeah, I visited porn sites and downloaded pictures from BBSes and such. I am now 27 years old and a college graduate and law school student who has never done drugs or smoked in his life, and doesn't even drink that often. I have a stable relationship with a wonderful woman who I may someday make my wife. Part of the reason for this is parental trust and confidence. My parents did not educate me about the Internet specifically. They educated me about not talking to strangers, about sex, and about drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. They never spied on me or violated my privacy. IMHO, if you feel the need to watch your kid's every move adn monitor him/her 24/7 there are serious trust issues there, and you are encouraging your child to accept surveillance as a way of life and to accept the Big Brother mentality of 1984 as something that is OK. If you want to raise a generation of sheep who feel that it is ok for authority to monitor your every move then by all means, keep doing what you're doing, but as for me and my kids when I have them, that will NOT be the case. They will be raised the same way I was. I will not violate their privacy, but I will expect them to obey certain rules and if they do not, they will be disciplined accordingly.
  46. CHP My vote from Ontario, Canada writes: Great, more of my hard earned tax dollars going to some tech company to make a game for parents who don't care enough to parent. It's time the government make it easier for one parent to stay at home. That's the only way you know what your kids are doing. (Not that it's that difficult anyways, but I know people will say it is.) It's all where your priorities lie....
  47. J S from Toronto, Canada writes: David Le Gallez - it's great that you care about what your daughter gets up to online but I find your methods a bit extreme. Not only are you likely making your daughter feel you have no trust in her but are taking away all of her privacy as well. I agree with others who have the computer located in a public area of the home, with time restrictions for access etc. Spying on your children is not the answer.
  48. gord winters from Canada writes: Harper is Da Man, his being a former cop is definately part of my dislike, and his self promotion of fear. i think they go hand in hand. look at some of these posts. the paranoia is so think you can barely see through it.

    there are bad things on the internet, but they aren't as harmful as a widespread malaise of fear. especially a fear that is promoted to further political or, in this case, business interests.

    i have no problems saying out loud, i don't trust this guy nickels. it smells bad. ans i've come to trust my nose.
  49. Out West from Calgary, Canada writes: Our computer is in the main room, it has spywear on it that shows each and every keystroke and webpage visited. The kids are warned in advance this will be checked frequently. No problems in our house as a result. It is a minimal cost and can be bought on line. Just look under spywear, or 007.
  50. Mike M from Toronto, Canada writes: Spying on your kids - that's about as ridiculous an idea as I can imagine. Let's create an atmosphere of distrust and see what happens a few years from now. I remember when I was a teen a few times I'd take my car out to a party, get too drunk to drive, call home, and get a lift from my parents. I'd get in trouble, yeah, but I had the trust level established where I knew they'd understand that I was at least being responsible. If you start logging everything your children do, implicitly telling them they can't be trusted, do you think they'll be as trusting later in life?

    The internet is a risk, but there are lots of them out there. Does Mr. Nickel follow his children in his car at night when they go out with friends? Does he regularly search their room for contraband?

    I'm not saying be blind and don't do anything (the idea of having the family computers in a common area is a good idea), but come on - being a parent isn't the same thing being a warden, it's about preparing your kids for adult life and ensuring they get there. If you tell them from the time they get on the computer that they can't be trusted and are going to screw up - guess what, chances are when they get older, you won't be able to trust them and they're going to screw up in some big ways. Kids have a remarkable ability of doing exactly what you expect them to do.
  51. C M from Calgary, Canada writes: To all of you slamming Rob Nickel's views because he was a 'cop', just try to remember this - he's seen and dealt with the garbage that exists out there, and it's negative effects on our youngest members of society (which someday can have negative effects on our society as a whole once they become adults). Based on his career experiences he's only trying to make parents and children aware of some of the dangers that exist out there in the hopes of preventing our children from becoming victims someday - which is a damn sight more caring and concerned than some of you could ever hope to be.
  52. Mike M from Toronto, Canada writes: C M - that is precisely the reason that Mr. Nickel's views need to be taken with a grain of salt. He only deals with the worst of society. Yes, he knows the dangers, but he also seems to have lost perspective on how common those dangers are and as a result doesn't have a good sense of the big picture.
  53. M Hawk from Calgary, Canada writes: Being fairly young myself, I can tell you that spying on your kids will only lead to your kids being sneakier and smarter than you.
    I used to have a friend's older brother act as her 'dad' so when my parents called, he said things were fine, and then we would go out and party. I smoked pot, drank a lot, even had sex at 14.

    But, thankfully my parents were still good parents. They taught me morality - I grew out of lying to them, grew out of doing drugs and generally being stupid. Basically, my parents set a good example, and when I rebelled, I made my own mistakes and discovered how stupid I really could be.
    Whether my parents trusted me or not, I still did what I wanted, like many kids. The combination of good examples on their part, and stupid mistakes on mine, was the best education I could have had. Sheltering your kids will do nothing. They are smarter then you can ever imagine... just not wise.
  54. M Hawk from Calgary, Canada writes: by the by, those Urban Dictonary definitions are a joke. Urban Dictionary allows people to submit their own definitions... leading to thousands of one-time use slang terms that people thought were funny at the time.
  55. I. M. Al Wayswright (not opinionated) from Canada writes: J.S. from Toronto thanks for a sane posting among all the rantings about how awful todays parents are.
    Mike M and M Hawk I agree with your opinion that spying on kids is wrong. Many adults forget that their children's life belong to their children.
    M Hawk I like what you told about your parents, I hope that one day my son will tell the same about me. (I was a good parent)
    I think many parents today are too paranoid (thanks to the media) I don't think the world is worse today than when I was kid, we just hear more about the bad things. When we were kids we were always told to walk together to school and home and not to leave anyone behind. We were also warned about a certain neighbour and to never talk to him. We weren't told why. There were crazy characters in those days too, we were told to be cautious but never to be paranoid.
  56. Rob Nickel from Cambridge, Canada writes: I think a few people on this board took the article like I am trying to scare. One thing about written articles is they only put in so much of the interview. I love the internet, think it is a great resource but I don't want parents to think that you should just let them surf unsupervised. when the computer is in their rooms, anything can happen. What are the chances who knows, I do know one thing, if something happens to my daughters that I could have prevented - I could never forgive myself for not caring. As for the monitoring, it will not be hidden they will know. Most kids know how to delete history files and chat logs so sometime you have to use other programs. As for being a cop - well I have seen more in my career than you could imagine - I hung out with the people who pray on children so over protective - maybe a bit, but I sleep well at nights knowing that by doing these types of article for the media, maybe one child will be spared by a parent taking more of an involvement with their childs online activity. Please don't slam. You don't know me and you have no real idea what I have done or what my motives are. Thanks for listening. Rob Nickel (no website - would not want to self promote, I put it in other posts so parents could get more resources and tips)
  57. Adebisi TheGamer from Canada writes: I'm sorry guys, but all this 'trust your kids' and 'learn to communicate instead of monitor' is exactly the kind of willful blindness that allows this stuff to occur in the first place.

    Seriously, wake up.

    A kid who use drugs is not going to admit it to their parents no matter how open and trusting they are. Most kids using drugs, or doing online gambling with prepaid credit cards, or webcam sexcapades, are NEVER EVER going to admit it to their parents. And seriously, the best parents on earth can still end up having that one kid that uses drugs and breaks all the rules.

    Again, WAKE UP.

    There is nothing wrong with using drug tests, searching a bedroom for drugs or drug paraphernalia, using a key logger or browser tracker to spot check your kids. There is nothing wrong with parental supervision technology, there are only wrong ways to use it.

    It amazes me that the same people who have no problem at all using a nanny cam completely balk when it comes to keeping tabs on their own kids.
  58. Jorly fuster from Canada writes: You have to be a parent not a friend to your kids. That means you ask your kids if they're doing drugs and if they say no, that means when their gone you go into their room and look for dope paraphanelia. Like if you find a bottle with a small hole at the bottom, that means they're doing bottle tokes. Or if you find two butter knives with the ends burned, that means they're doing hotknives. That online dictonary was a joke since there are about 1000 words for weed and my friends used to make words up just to confuse people. Like we'd say 'let's get some vitamin J' which meant go smoke a joint. The problem is the 85% of parents out there are bad parents. Just look how fat and disgusting their kids are. They let their kids run around with impunity and it's winds up hurting the general public. it's like those kids a few years back drag racing their parents luxury cars on Mt. Pleaseant Rd in Toronto that killed a cab driver when one of them hit him head on. Those parents probably thought they we're great parents giving their kids a big house and money and an X-box. The only thing they didn't give them is disciplin and common sense. But hey, the're rich right so the rest of us can go to hell because rich people are better than us and can do whatever they want to.
  59. I. M. Al Wayswright (not opinionated) from Canada writes: My parents trusted me. They cared enough to tell me what was right and wrong, but never forced me, (they had no time, both worked in high positions). Their attitude was that if we (their children) wanted to do something stupid we'd do it anyway whether they forbid it or not. What they insisted on was that we would be honest. I'm not saying we were 100% honest with them, (no teenager is, expecting 100% honesty is naive), but we turned out pretty normal respectable adults. There was no reason to rebel. As my parents used to say 'you can cheat me but you cannot cheat yourself, when you drink or smoke, you are harming your own life.' Somehow their trust thought us responsibility not sneakiness.
  60. Dr. Mephistopheles from Canada writes: Talking to children about anything is hard. That is why Dr. Mephistopheles has opened up a new webpage called www.childlovemephi.org. At this site children can log on, state their gender, their age, and pose any questions that they would like to me, the good doctor. Then I will provide age appropriate answers and suggestions for further 'learning'. The good doctor will answer with so much detail that parents will never have to teach their child anything. The good doctor fears no questions. Since we live in an illiterate an ignorant society it is important to have professionals teach your children as the average Canadian has difficulty understanding big words - especially sex words. So I, the good doctor can provide candid detailed explanations of many different types of sex, sex acts and safety tips for all your children. Just have your kids log on and see how friendly the internet can be. Remember parents - the internet is the new TV - it has all your answers. How dangerous can a computer monitor really be?
  61. Timothy Nessus from Somewhere, Canada writes: 'School boards still need parents to buy in, educators say. '

    YUR KIDDING ME, RIGHT???

    Are these the same Boards that have the two-way communication capabilities of a loudspeaker???

    Or the ones that have SYSTEMATICALLY undermined, ignored, and for any intent and purpose just treated like nuisance ALL parental recommendations???

    Are these the same Boards that have bullied the Ministry of Eduction to the point that it is now totally and completely useless???

    Are these the same Boards that continue to do the same today, day after day???

    GIMME A BREAK!!!!

    Boards are a SCAM!!! Pure and simple!!!

    A scam based on TAX dollars!!! This is YOUR AND MINE DOLLARS.

    They SHOULD be abolished and sent to find a REAL job!!!
  62. Barton Lincoln Jonesboro, the Second from Metro Toronto, Canada writes: There is a vast difference in the meaning of 'parents' as we older generation knew them compared to today's kids. Back then, Dad and Mom were there keeping close watch over (for the most part) what kids were up to and trying to correct them in their ways as they grew. Today's society, it seems, does not have 'parents' as we knew them, but merely men and women who have had kids - sometimes reluctantly so - as the kids tend to get in their way of double income, two or three cars, the biggest house on the block and the closest route to the L.C.B.O. Nowadays kids are left alone with too much time on their hands to devise ways of their own - thus the big turn to internet, where, in various 'chat rooms', etc., they find someone to talk to - which they don't at home because both parents are working day in and day out. It is a sad situation, but one has to wonder, what will happen in the future one or two generations? Thankfully there are some good decent humans still around who do everything they can possibly do to assist 'parentless' kids and make every attempt to help the individual boy or girl grow up in a meaningful way. These self-driven adults are doing things the so-called parents should be doing - and that..is..wrong ! Barton Lincoln Jonesboro, the Second
  63. Michele . from Canada writes: 'Parents have to be more involved (as much as possible) and yes I have monitoring software on my computer at home, it is in the kitchen where I can see where my children go but they can only access child approved sites using software called RAZZUL for kids 3 to 12 years. When they are older I will use more monitoring software but they will be aware of it so it is not spying - it is letting them know I care enought about them to protect them and educate them.' Mr Nickel - you might have mentioned that you were president of the company that sells RAZZUL when you were touting it in your post.
  64. t m from guelph, Canada writes: This is what you get when politicians get involved.

    First you take God out of the equation.

    Then they take the rights of parents to be parents. At the same time they tell our children that they have all the rights and no obligations and they are not responsible for their actions.

    And you are surprised by what kids do today. They can disobey at will and we can't touch them period. they know their rights.

    So get off your high horses and give parenting back to parents and everything that goes along with it.

    Tm
  65. Thumb Sucker from Toronto, Canada writes: I can see from the comments that people here are on different pages. When discussing internet use and 'kids', there is a huge difference between how you should deal with a 10 y/o and a 16 y/o kid.
  66. Marie Antionette from Vancouver, Canada writes: David Le Gallez from Ottawa, Canada My parents were like that with me when I was younger. Becuase I always felt trapped like that I started sneaking out. I snuck out every night for over a year when I was 15, just to spite them. so that when they were cutting off another privlege or grouding me again I could just smile to myself knowing I would just sneak out again as soon as the turned around.
    It sounds tome like you are already pushing your daughter pretty close to doing the same thing. So if she is not already sneaking she will probably start soon. And the thing is even though you think that your smarter than her on the computer stuff and keep cutting her off, she will figure out a way to maker her feel like she has some control.
    On a more positive note, my parents eased way up on my younger sisters and none of them have even thought about doing half the stupid stuff I did.
  67. Cymro yn byw yma Canada from Canada writes: Kids Help Phone released a poll in April that showed 69 per cent of young people who bully each other online said they do so because there is no supervision.

    That is silly. Kids Help Phone should know better. Kids (and adults)bully for kicks and often because they have low self-esteem and because the subject of bullying is not discussed in a remedial manner either at home or at school. Kids that do not jay walk don't refrain frpom doing this because there is supervision but because it is they are taught that it is dangerous.
  68. Rob Nickel from Cambridge, Canada writes: Michele - I am sorry I ever posted on this board, I was not 'touting' anything, just saying I use it - which by the way I have used for years now, I got involved with the company (I am Canadian Distributor) after seening how great it was.

    I posted on this board to help but you will not find any other posts from me anywhere on here. I should have never posted I am sorry.

    Rob
  69. garlick toast from mill village, Canada writes: spend time with your kids.childhood only lasts a short time.there is no greater responsibility than your children.get to know their friends and make them welcome in your home.and above all,don't bullsh*t them.
  70. Quentin DSouza from Toronto, Canada writes: Just a couple of points of clarification. I am a Resource Teacher at the TCDSB and work with schools across the city as part of a team of other Resource teachers, which work under Laila Sisca our coordinator. Schools ask us to act as speakers for internet safety events which we have done on several occasions with very low turnout. Just to clarify, Tony Greco, Rob De Lorenzo and Laila Sisca also present at these events. I certianly am not the only person in our department that delivers these workshops.
  71. James McDowell from Kitchener, Canada writes: Good for common-sense Rob Nickel. When parents actively nurture their children from an early age, following consistent, positive family values that cover areas that will be issues in the teen years, when discipline is well-conceived, moderate, appropriate and reconciliational, when interpersonal respect and open communication are high values modelled in the home starting with the parents, there is a sound basis for dealing with the issues that arise because when the maturing child listens more to peers and media than to parents. Just reading Rob's responses in this forum demonstrates the integrity of his approach to life in the home. There's no quick fix. Parenting is a life-long responsibility. I'm saddened that very little training in values, personal integrity, interpersonal skills and parenting is received before a large subset of people become parents. While schools and those governing them have responsibilities in these areas (and need to do better), the responsibility is wider than that, and parents and extended family, media and other community organizations are also on the hook here. My purpose in saying this is not to point fingers, but to say "we've got a huge job to do, let's address it and invest ourselves in doing it well." I like the idea of an open common computer lab area in the home. Many houses weren't designed to facilitate that. When a teen can buy a personal computer, they probably have a right to install it in their room. If it's on the family internet site, the parents still have the right to regulate internet use. Given all the background described above, negotiation and mutual respect can go a long way to ensure responsible internet use. There will be failures, though, and parents need to develop skills to handle such times resourcefully and redemptively. Some younger people writing in here have indicated that they recovered from situations that weren't too ideal.
  72. James McDowell from Kitchener, Canada writes: Good for common-sense Rob Nickel. When parents actively nurture their children from an early age, following consistent, positive family values that cover areas that will be issues in the teen years, when discipline is well-conceived, moderate, appropriate and reconciliational, when interpersonal respect and open communication are high values modelled in the home starting with the parents, there is a sound basis for dealing with the issues that arise because when the maturing child listens more to peers and media than to parents. Just reading Rob's responses in this forum demonstrates the integrity of his approach to life in the home. There's no quick fix. Parenting is a life-long responsibility. I'm saddened that very little training in values, personal integrity, interpersonal skills and parenting is received before a large subset of people become parents. While schools and those governing them have responsibilities in these areas (and need to do better), the responsibility is wider than that, and parents and extended family, media and other community organizations are also on the hook here. My purpose in saying this is not to point fingers, but to say "we've got a huge job to do, let's address it and invest ourselves in doing it well." I like the idea of an open common computer lab area in the home. Many houses weren't designed to facilitate that. When a teen can buy a personal computer, they probably have a right to install it in their room. If it's on the family internet site, the parents still have the right to regulate internet use. Given all the background described above, negotiation and mutual respect can go a long way to ensure responsible internet use. There will be failures, though, and parents need to develop skills to handle such times resourcefully and redemptively. Some younger people writing in here have indicated that they recovered from situations that weren't too ideal.
  73. Linda P from ~rocky mountain foothills~, Canada writes: Sex Talk with our children is more open now than it was when I was a girl. We talked about sex in the bathroom at school and laughed during "sex-ed"; because we were embarassed by the content. Now-a-days we have to be open to all the questions if they ever come from our children; usually they never come in the form of questons, but as statements of anger after the fact. Parents can talk till they are blue in the face, children only hear what they want to just like the adults. Our authority as parents has been diminished to verbal exchange with our children, most of which they don't hear. Sure they seem to be listening at the time but get them with their friends and they are different people that we wouldn't recognize. The internet is chat alot of kids use as an outlet for their frustration at not being allowed to be the independant individuals they believe they have become. Most of the kids my youngest daughter knows all have access to the internet and they alll use it to vent, brag, create havoc and maybe to a smaller degree some homework investigation. I hear parents say they have full control of their childs internet experience but I find that hard to believe. Are you watching them every moment they are on there, I know I don't, I have other things to do that require my full attention. In a perfect world it would be easy to assume that every action my child takes I would be able to over-see, this is not a perfect world. Modern technology has taken us into a place where we need to be diligent in attempting to keep the communications line open with our children so we can make them aware of the dangers out there. Statisically speaking, most pedophilles are people we know in some form or another. A family friend, a relative, the nice neighbour down the street; knowing that we can feel any safer watching our children on the internet?
  74. Mel Boz from Canada writes: This is such a tough issue! At 27, I like to think that I'm not too far removed from my teens to remember what it's all about! I agree with points from both sides. I think that many people are so career obsessed and/or selfish that they don't take the time to properly parent their kids (look at the parents who are actually angry about that unlicensed, understaffed and absolutely unqualified daycare closing in TO... the epitome of selfishness if you ask me!) We are so self indulgent that we farm out our kids to various brain stifling, unstimulating activities like TV watching, video games and the internet. The see all kinds of crap on tv and in advertising (I thought off the shoulder shirts were really sexy when I was a young teen... now singers perform in their underwear AND sell lunchboxes?!)OUr society and government as a whole have also given young people the knowledge that they can get away with pretty much anything, even murder, and not really be held accountable. So what do we do? I know that when I was young and felt like my privacy was being unjustly invaded, I just got bitter and came up with ways to defy my parents further (mind you by this point I was 16 NOT 12). I think we all need to recognize that there must be some king of medium. Be an involved parent. If your kids trust you, they will respect you. That doesn't mean being a 'best buddy'. Kids are still kids. Parents have the right to make rules... kids don't like it, TOO BAD. Parents need to take the time to enforce their rules. Kids will always test the limits and they will break some rules... how many of you never got drunk at a party as teenagers? All we can do is love them enough to devote our time and energy to them, care enough to make enforced rules and listen without losing it when they want to talk. And yes, I am a parent.
  75. John Silverman from Canada writes: Adebisi TheGamer from Canada writes: There is nothing wrong with using drug tests, searching a bedroom for drugs or drug paraphernalia, using a key logger or browser tracker to spot check your kids. There is nothing wrong with parental supervision technology, there are only wrong ways to use it.

    Wow - I couldn't disagree more. At 30 I still remember my teens and if my parents did any of this crap I would have been so mad I would have rebelled even more, probably ran away, and it definitely would have encouraged me to do drugs. Sounds weird but it's true.

    I think this is totally not the way to raise kids. I don't think you let them do whatever they want, but you need a middle ground.
  76. Emma Hawthorne from Canada writes: Of the 30% of parents who are good parents, many may succeed in supervising their children and getting through with them with good advice. But what about the remaining 70% of children whose parents do not have the wherewithal to step in and protect them? I think the schools must do more with children and set up helpful parent information and training websites for parents with computers and find other ways to reach parents who do not. How many schools even have a "parents of troubled teens group" that operates out of their school, which is the logical place? Every school and neighbourhood needs such a group. We all need websites with good parental advice. Many adults had poor or practically non-existent parents in the free-wheeling 70s and 80s.

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