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Group Therapy is a weekly relationship-based advice column that allows readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we'll offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, and then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
The question
We make a lot less money than our friends. They drive high-end cars and most of them live, literally, on the other side of the tracks. My partner and I don't bemoan our circumstances. We are artists and we love our work.
A surprise 10-year anniversary party is coming up for one couple and everyone has been asked to pitch in $250 toward a trip to a spa in Mexico.
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We had a baby six months ago and this is the cost of child care for one week. We just cannot afford it. We also find the resort vacation to be completely out of sync with our values.
Is it appropriate for us to forgo the group gift and give them one of our own creations?
- Bohemian Rhapsody
Pay what you can
Can we assume that all your friends are aware that you don't have that kind of cash? If they are "friends," you can simply say what you can afford. The guideline for these things should be based on affordability, and if this circle can easily drop $250 then this is going to happen a lot. You should have a ready response based on your ability to pay as a percentage of your disposable income - that's something that you need to get comfortable with.
-Gregor Bingham, Toronto
Give without judgment
Charming little bio on your lives, but this is about contributing to a gift that your friends would enjoy receiving for their 10th anniversary. It is about giving, in respect of your friends' choice of celebration.
You did say they were your friends, right? You might also consider pro-rating your contribution to something you can afford (i.e. 20 per cent would be $50) if that seems more reasonable. I would bet the effort would be appreciated.
-Thelma Fayle, Victoria, BC
Skip the party if need be
How many people are expected to show up at this party with $250? What does this spa cost, anyway? Also, if this is a 10th-anniversary present, what on earth will this circle do for a 50th?
That being said, this is supposed to be a celebration with friends. Nothing is written in stone. Why don't you contact the person who asked everyone to pitch in for the gift trip. Politely explain your financial circumstances (the clash of values need not be mentioned) and indicate that you would like to bring a gift of your own. A good host would understand and reassure you.
However, if you would feel uncomfortable bringing your gift to the party, or if the $250 seems to be the price of admission, skip it. Make a private date with the happy couple to get together at your place or take them somewhere that suits your pocketbook. You can then give them a creative gift with your best wishes.
-Natalia Mayer, Toronto
The Final Word
Dear Bohemian Rhapsody,
Oh, the perils of the group gift, the group activity, the group anything. It would be so much easier to live in a cave with nothing but the echo of our own voices. Imagine a life without invitations; a life without difficult shoes and small talk.
But alas, we are human and our most compelling wish is to be loved, and so we have friends. And sometimes these friends betray us by becoming rich.
While I think the $250 assumption is a flagrant one, and I am tempted to urge you to picket the party in your tattered gown, newborn starveling in your arms, I will instead support your voluble instinct. The greatest gift is time - time spent painting, sculpting, composing - whatever your medium, time is invaluable.
Tell me, when did gift-giving become so stringently measured by economics?
I counter the crude calculations proposed by Pay-as-a-Percentage Gregor and Prorate-it Thelma. Instead, know that art, so famously undervalued, is, as Private Mayer suggests, so wickedly expressive. A piece of your work is, forever, a piece of your mind.
And so I shout through my discount loudspeaker, combat boots on, fist in the air: "Money talks? No! Art talks! Art survives wars and plagues! Art survives spas!"
Art will even survive a Conservative minority government.
Queen of Bohemia, you remind us that too often commonality is overrated in friendship. Age, profession, cultural background, political bents, income: while these are crucial social markers, they are not sums unto themselves. And they should never make for impassable borders.
Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel will be published by Coach House Books next year.
Next week's question
My ex and I recently got back together, but I am worried that we will fall into old patterns. We broke up for several reasons, all tracing back to religion : He was raised in a Muslim family (although he is not religious) and I was raised as an Atheist. I was also raised in a family of strong and independent women, whereas his mother is very reliant on his father.
I've noticed that he is subtly disrespectful of strong and smart women because of this. We've discussed this, and he assures me it is not intentional, and I believe him. I feel like he is trying to change his life, including moving away from his family, and we are both in our early twenties. Do you think this is an attitude that can change or do you think this will always be a problem for me?
Let's hear from you
Do you have an answer to this question, or a dilemma of your own that you'd like readers to help solve? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com, and be sure to include your hometown and a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.
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