Skip navigation

 Login or Register | Member Centre

When mommy met nanny

TRALEE PEARCE AND HEATHER SOKOLOFF

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 4:34 PM EST 24/09/07

Hiring a nanny has gone from an upper-class luxury to a mainstream child-care option ...Read the full article

This conversation is closed

  1. CPT America from United States writes: What ever happened to raising ones own children. Don't give me the crap that it takes two incomes, if that is the case your nanny society costs too much!
  2. whatevah D from Canada writes: CPT - yes, I need two incomes. I can't even afford a nanny. We're having a neighbour watch our little guy in her home. Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to stay home. And before you start harping, I have a modest home, a small compact car that's paid off and no debt. I need to work for the roof over my head and food, and to save up for my child's education. I'm considered middle class. I'm university educated and so is my husband. WE don't make a ton, but we can work from home occasionally and we don't work overtime.

    BTW, my mom worked, so I don't see it as a problem that some folks do. Do I harbour resentment? No. she got a lot of flak back then, but my dad was a factory worker and laid off all the time. she did it for us. then my dad died when i was 12, my brother was 9 and my sis 2. Guess what? we weren't immersed in poverty.

    I'm proud of her strength, her ability to resist the flak, and her ability to carry on. And hopefully one day, my child will be equally proud of the decisions I have made.
  3. RD Lone from Vancouver, Canada writes: What? No TV? No way I'm hiring one of these nannies!
  4. Hugh Draper from Canada writes: The family increasingly becomed redundant.
  5. Matt Sims from Canada writes: I see the nanny thing (for those not overly wealthy) as just a way to recreate the way families often functioned in the past, with a grandparent/s on hand to help out, while the parents worked hard to provide a healthy home and means of income.
    We live in a double income consumer society, it's just necessary these days unless one parent is an overpaid executive, in which case there's often a nanny present just so Mom can shop without distraction (sorry if I'm sounding cynical here)
    We've been raising our two kids full time while running a business from home for 3.5 years now and we're freakin' exhausted. No family within 1000Km, we've tried looking into the nanny option but that's a really tricky thing to get right it seems, so many variables that can turn it into a nightmare for all involved.
    What we need is grandparents for hire in our neighborhood so we can get out for a dinner. ALONE! Any takers?....;-)
  6. M B from Canada writes: I think that there are real abuses with the live-in nanny situations, especially when their landed immigrant status is riding on their being successful. I know of a mother who runs a day home from her home where her live-in nanny is often the sole caregiver for those children. the nanny gets no additional funds for caring for up to 10 children at a time, while the home owners are making a tidy profit off of her back. The nanny puts up with it as she needs to get her landed immigrant status so that she can bring over her own children (that she will have seen twice in two years). It is a system that is begging to be abused and there should be much tighter controls as to what happens after the nanny arrives in this country. Indentured servitude should not be a requirement to becoming a Canadian.
  7. whatevah D from Canada writes: Matt Sims: I can relate. No grandparents in the area. If I did, my little guy would be at my mom's house everyday, just like my nephews were when they were younger. And we never get out without the babe. I'm trying to find a babysitter now, but it's sooo difficult. Especially in the area I live, where all the good sitters are too busy. Oh well. we're saving money because we never go out;)
  8. John Medrzycki from Vancouver, Canada writes: It's very easy to dismiss having a nanny as a luxury, or somehow shirking your responsibities as parents. However, dual-incomes are a reality (& necessity) in life today. So, anyone who thinks otherwise simply doesn't have a clue what it's like out there. The key is to find the right nanny - there are 'nanny agencies' out there that will find the right one for you, based upon your situation. Then, it's extremely important to treat your nanny with the same respect that you would treat an employee. My wife & I have our own business - so, our nanny is paid a salary (not an hourly wage) and is enrolled on our company's benefit program. We would never think to mistreat in any way our employees - therefore, by extension, our nanny is treated exactly the same way - including vacation time, etc. Our nanny also performs light housekeeping (I do mean light) - so that, when we do get home, we can spend quality time with our child (who is 5 years old). This is definitely preferable to the 'day-care mad rush' that so many parents have to go through. As an earlier poster noted, having a nanny is a replication of society many years ago - when the grandparents (who lived with you) took on much of the child-rearing while the parents worked. In many ways, our nanny is an extension of our family - we're very fond of her, & our son absolutely adores her. However, there is no confusion on his part as to who is who - 'mummy & daddy time' is different than 'nanny time'. By the way, our nanny is not a live-in - and works 3 (sometimes 4) days per week. My wife & I juggle our schedules to spend time at home. After going through the 'nanny experience' for 5 years, I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone. Certainly, cost is a factor - although, one would be surprised to realize that it's not that much more than a day-care - with a lot less hassle.
  9. Karina_I (my art at windstream.ca) from Canada writes: I was lucky to have my grandmother to be a full time grandmother, while my parents worked very hard. Unfortunately she passed away by now. When my son was born I was extremely lucky my parents helped me day and night till he was 9 years old, then him and I moved to Canada. But even over the distance they helped with advice and encouragement. He is 20 now and if he decides to have children I will do all I can to help him. My parents told that they will come here to help with great grandchildren if we need help. Even my other grandmother, who is alive and healthy told "just call if you need help!" I think what we need here is more involvement and appreciation of grandparents. From my experience looking at other families I can see that no one cares about your kids as much as immediate family. Close relationship with grandparents also helps to pass wisdom and experience through generations.
  10. whatevah D from Canada writes: Karina: I agree. My grandma was my nanny. I grew up having a maternal bond with her, as well as my own mother. My mom would love to help me, but lives too far away. We can't move to where she is because of work; she doesn't want to move where we are. she's lived in the same house for 30 years. But I agree with you; extended family is so important in so many cultures. And I grew up that way. I don't think my own mom realizes how difficult it is for me not to have that kind of support with my child.
  11. aloysuis paczjoskteyochuk from Canada writes: Where are the grandparents? It is because we no longer have or want three generations living in the same household. You don't want your mom and dad living in your house with you as a family, you only want your parents as free day care providers and to baby sit in the evenings while you are out golfing or whatever. We grandparents love our grandchildren but want a life free of the responsibility of raising them. Occasionally baby sitting and visiting often is great but don't use grandparents as a day care centre.
    Don't be surprised if you employ a nanny to nurture and raise your children that they will have the nanny's life values and not your own.
  12. John Medrzycki from Vancouver, Canada writes: Aloysuis P brings up some good points. Obviously, he is a grandparent - thereby, bringing a different perspective to this discussion. Generally, a grandparent is reaching (or has reached) the retirement years - and may not be particularly interested, nor have the physical stamina, to take care of high-energy children. As well, this is now 'their time' - to travel, etc & enjoy life on their terms.

    My parents died a number of years ago, so that is a non-issue - however, my wife's parents live an hour away. Therefore, they have the luxury to see their grandchildren as often as they want - but, they have neither the desire, the time, nor the stamina to be full-time care givers.

    Aloysuis' last point - certainly, the nanny will impart her (or his) values - but, there should not be confusion on the child's part. Plus, life is about discovering different things - if our nanny can explain something differently, we're OK with that, as long as the desired end result is reached.

    Speaking of our nanny - she may be posting in (under my name). Now, it'll get interesting!
  13. Dave C from Toronto, Canada writes: Grandparents?? I don't know how old you people are, but my wife and I are in our early 30s and raising a newborn baby. Where are his grandparents? They're are at the top of their game, in their peak earning years, working overseas, or as senior executives running companies here at home.

    Many new grandparents, even in more modest occupations, are probably still be doing the 9 to 5 - last time I checked, the retirement age stood at 65 before it was abolished, and many folks in that generation show no intention of slowing down.
  14. Paul F. from ON, Canada writes: MB from Canada writes: "Indentured servitude should not be a requirement to becoming a Canadian"

    Indentured servitude is exactly what is required of every Canadian. Why do you think we all fork over 100% of our paycheques to the three levels of government until mid-July every year ? The only alternatives to this are deciding to live on the street, or live a life of crime.
  15. Yvonne Wackernagel from Woodville, Canada writes: Embasies in foreign lands who help to place nannies in Canada should encourage applicants to work for Canadians who were born and raised in developing countries where they were used to servants and know how to treat their nannies with respect and dignity. Canadians - the new rich - are intolerable to many who have been better trained, educated and exposed to higher cultures than themselves. If truth be told!
  16. Karina_I (my art at windstream.ca) from Canada writes: To Whatevah D from Canada who writes: " My grandma was my nanny. I grew up having a maternal bond with her". Yes, looks similar to me - I also had very strong maternal bond with my grandma - I smile every time when I remember her. I think that you could be also very right that your mom simply does not realize how difficult it is for you not to have that kind of support with your child. I am not sure that it will be applicable to your case, but one of my friends used a "trick" to get her parents to help her: they did not want to move, because they were scared of new environment and lived in the same place for even longer than 30 years, so making new friends could prove hard. She asked them to come for just one month to live with them (that is the part that many people born in Canada could hardly accept). That way they did not have to worry about "big change and move". During that month she made sure that they feel at home in a new place. One month became 2, then 3 you get the picture. Eventually they did not want to come back to old place, sold it and bought another one near her. But that is only possible if grandparent does not work or can easily change job. In our case, when my son was born we all lived together, so it made it easier, but still my mom and dad had to re-arrange their work schedules to help out. I was only 20 and on the last year of the University, so instead of going to work right away, which would mean good income I had to stay for extra 3 years and write PhD earning low income, but that way I would have more flexible schedule and enjoy more time with him. I wish you good luck with raising your kid, time with kids are so precious and memorable!
  17. Dan Lowell from Vancouver, Canada writes: I have a nanny shared with another family. This was the only option left to us with the failure of the national daycare program. Despite a baby boom in our neighbourhood, the number of spaces has been dramatically dropping as property prices skyrocket. So mass immigrant child care is a Harper government policy.

    We would love to have one parent stay home and raise our kids. The aforementioned high property values have made it impossible for anyone but an extremely high single income earner to purchase family-sized housing in Vancouver. You require 2 incomes. Ask a bank. They'll demand it. Look at the 70% of net income required to finance a mortgage in the GVRD. Family size rentals are approaching or surpassing the cost of mortgages in the suburbs. I define family size as at least 1,200 sq. ft for a family of 3, and another 400 sq. ft. for a family of 4. There were Eastern Bloc regimes that allocated more space for family housing.

    So my wife and I both work and earn about $27 per hour plus benefits and pension contributions. Our nanny is paid about $10 hour plus some other costs. We treat her well and with respect. She only cleans up after the kids and her own space. We get a $7,000 tax deduction per kid for the cost. This is cheaper than the dwindling local daycare which approaches $1,000 per month plus costs, even worse for children under 2.

    In our interviews, we heard many horror stories from nannies who were hired under false circumstances and were subjected to improper working conditions. Bad employers make bad parents. Nannies are not maids, personal assistants, or housecleaners. They look after kids. That's it.

    We need immigrants to afford housing our children. That's a Stephen Harper policy.
  18. L S from Toronto, Canada writes: What about daycares, which in many cases have staff with early child education diplomas or degrees who have made a conscious decision to learn about and care for children.

    Despite the financial hardship, this is what my family has chosen to do. Just as we have chosen to use an obstetrican and a pediatrician, we have also chosen professionals to care for our children when we can't.
  19. John Medrzycki from Vancouver, Canada writes: And now for a nanny's perspective! (John Medryzchi's nanny writes:) I found this article to be particularly interesting, as I am in the child care feild. I am 27 and have been a nanny for that past 8 years. I am also an artist. I have been well educated, and this is my choice of proffession for so many reasons. I have found my experiences as a nanny to be an enjoyable, educational, gratifying and privilaged way to spend time. I'm aware of the dynamics between a mother and her child/ren's nanny. I felt that it's a stretch to compare it to having a "mistress". I have always spoken up for myself, and was happy when I read in the article that the lady quit the unsavory position, when the mother was following her and critisizing her while she cleaned. I too have come across a couple of strange situations, and have always tried to either work it out, or find out if theres another way. The Nanny 911 show is a perfect example of how what some nannies are fqaced with. On the flip side, the situation can be wonderful, and full of special moments that create a lasting realtionship between not only the child and myself, but between the parents and I. All in all, I'm proud to be a Nanny. I love my job, and I wouldnt change a thing.
  20. John Medrzycki from Vancouver, Canada writes: sorry about the grammer and spelling errors, I'm in a rush!!!!
  21. Likes Cleavage from Canada writes: 1. Quick now everybody who needs a nanny because they both need to work for economic reasons, put up your hands.
    2. Now everyone of these people who have any of theses: cottages, two cars, yearly big vacations, eating out lots, house cleaners, put up your hands.
    3. Any of the above who value their needs, material things over their kids and family, oops the hands are already up.
  22. joanne dewey from Canada writes: Likes cleavage: hands raised for number 1, but not for #2: I do not own a home, much less a vacation cottage, I do not take yearly big vacations (camping in a provincial park was it this year) unless it is to visit my husband's family in northern europe, I do not have a house cleaner and we eat out at a family friendly restaurant like white spot about once a month. We don't go out in the evenings for two reasons: we've been working all day and want to spend time with the kids and we don't have the money to do so. I do, however, work partly because I want to. I get personal satisfaction out of my work, just as I get personal satisfaction out of my parenting. this is not a one over the other proposition - it's certainly not expected of men, who are just assumed to like their work and to work for income, so it certainly shouldn't be assumed for women either. All that said, the live in caregiver program is a mess. It's a way of brining in cheap labour from overseas and exploiting them when they have almost no other alternatives. It should just be scrapped. We will only begin to value the work that parents do (parents of both sexes) when we begin to value the work that nannies and other professional childcare providers do.
  23. whatevah D from Canada writes: Likes Cleavage: some of us need the double income to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. I don't have a cottage, haven't had a vacation in two years, drive a Honda Civic (which is paid off), Live in an 800 square foot house in a so-so neighbourhood. still can't afford it.
  24. Likes Cleavage from Canada writes: It was really meant for people to reflect on what is important to them. I realise that there are some exceptions.
    Sorry
  25. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: Aren't there a million different ways to raise a child? Whose business is it anyway, how you raise your own? If you are providing adequate care to the best of your ability, who is to say you should do something different. MYOB those of you who want to criticize other people for how they?raise their kids. On the flip side, women often have to defend their choice to be a stay at home mom. We make choices based on what works for us, stay at home, nanny, daycare, neighbours, grandparents etc. In all of the above, the kids receive adequate care. What else do you want?
  26. John Medrzycki from Vancouver, Canada writes: Nature Lover - thank you, well said.

    On a lighter note ... some of you may have noticed that our nanny jumped in with her comments (under my name). This was her 1st time participating in the 'rough & tumble' world of G&M posting.

    I'm rather immune to the harshness of some of the posters comments - however, she did think 'Likes Cleavage' was pretty wierd ...
  27. Judith Mewort from Vancouver, Canada writes: As I read previously posted comments, including those of my husband and our son's nanny, I find myself wondering when our society become so absolutely certain that the only correct way to raise a child is for one parent to stay at home.

    We have had two nanny's since our son was born and I returned to work part-time. Our first nanny was a lovely lady with grown children who cared for our child from infancy to age three. She loved him and cared for him and taught him skills such as sign language.

    Our present nanny has cared for our son for the past two years. She is an energetic, vibrant young woman who loves our son, cares for him and teaches him about art. Each of these wonderful women have enriched our son's life. Neither of these women replaces his father or I, our family bond is very strong, they are just part of his extended family. I treasure the relationships, my son has or had had with these women and so does he. For me that is all that matters.
  28. Harper is Da Man? from Ottawa, Canada writes: This is without a doubt the strangest comment board I have ever read.
  29. Lauren H from Canada writes: this is nice and everything but do you really think your nanny would say anything but the expected where you'll read it, under your name no less? Doubtful.

    I hope it's as good as it's made out to be but I was raised by a live-in and I will never do that to my children for several reasons. I hope it's different for other children. I was borderline thinking of calling the person's next employer to warn against hiring her. Scarred me for a long time. Sorry but some people who do this are honestly not emotionally cut out to do it. I'm not talking about immigrants, which I experienced as well, but about caregivers in general. Unfortunately for all the good people who go for their ECE, there are many who think they can't do anything else so they muck their way through college over a long period and come out with one of these diplomas and it's supposed to be such a wonderful thing. Sorry, that's bullsh!t if the individual is not mature enough to be handling children. Certainly the person who did it for us was definitely NOT. And it comes out in overreactions and screaming fits and even physical treatment when the parents are not around. Please for the sake of your kids, pay attention to what is going on and listen to your children if they ever say the least thing about this kind of behaviour. Even now my parents find the idea that there were things wrong hard to believe and it's been a major source of tension for us--hard to have a trusting relationship with people who never gave enough of a damn to pay attention to what this person was doing to their kids every day. I could go on but enough said. Keep your eyes open.
  30. CPT America from United States writes: drive a Honda Civic? - get a bus pass, go easy on the old dutch potato chips, don't need a flat screen tv, pass on the beer, save 10% of you income, quit relying on government largess. and for gosh sakes quit relying on the governement and strengthen you families!
  31. D K from Canada writes: Nanny= new 'daytime' Mom
  32. whatevah D from Canada writes: Hi CPT,

    I drive in part because it's cheaper than a bus pass where I live. The car is paid off. Parking costs me $50 a month. Bus pass would be $100. i don't have a flat screen TV, my TV is more than 10 years old, never eat potato chips, hardly eat out, bring lunch everyday, and have never relied on government, except on maternity leave, which I PAID INTO. So please mind your own business. Perhaps where you live in the States you can afford to talk large, but not everyone has the same experience.

    Nature Lover: Bravo. Well said.
  33. JN Smith from Canada writes: Dan Lowell from Vancouver - your comments are interesting as you're raising young children. However, I disagree with the national government daycare plan. There are many choices when raising children. Government daycare should not be the only option. I know of many parents that left the GVRD or GTA because they wanted a cheaper place to raise their children without having to use daycare. No one is forcing parents to live in large urban areas and pay high housing costs. Sometimes it's a better solution to live in a smaller urban centre or rural area. Sure, you might have to take a pay cut and you don't get all the options of a big city lifestyle. However, I do realize some parents want or need to live in a large urban centre. But, don't ask the rest of us to pay for these choices. We've made our own sacrifices.
  34. whatevah D from Canada writes: JN Smith: I hear what you're saying, but I think it would be really hard to find a job in some industries in small urban centres. And also, I live in TO and my 800 square foot home is the same cost as my brother's 1500 square foot home in a small town. (I bought my home in an up and coming area at a very reasonable price before costs when up.) Even in that small town, which I grew up in, people need the double income. And we're not living the high life, just normal middle class. I'm just not sure it would make a difference in my case. But if you could make it happen all the power to you.
  35. Morgiana Halley from Bangor ME, United States writes: When I was little, we had a weekday housekeeper who "nannied" me until my mother got back from her teaching job. Mum, herself, was looked after by a "ninera" (Mexican nanny) who was the wife of the foreman of my grandfather's walnut-raising operation. My grandmother was also a schoolteacher. My great-grandmother helped with both my mum (as a child) and me. My grandparents often took me for weekends. In the '40s, it was common for working women to have part-time help in the home -- this was not a "live-in" nanny, but a competent, caring woman with few other salable skills, who did general housework and looked after the kids when they were home and the parents weren't. Our current economic system of minimum wages and social responsibility concerns for both employer and employee, coupled with the attitude that domestic sesrvice is demeaning, have led to the decline of such set-ups. My mother looked to 2 female mentors, "Nana" (her grandmother) and Victoria, her ninera, who was definitely part of the family. I adored both of my caregivers, Anna (a displaced European woman) and Irma (an African-American). What a shame that people today do not seem to view their nannies in the same light and that both the nannies and those who hire them have to worry about both their own problems and being sneered at for their methods of coping.
  36. silly me from Not Vancouver, BC, Canada writes: OK - I need some advice. Any takers ;-)

    My husband and I would like to have children. We both believe strongly in ECE and the importance of family bonding in children's early years. HOWEVER -

    I am a self employed physician, with 17 wks of minimal maternity leave
    He is a vital part of small business

    Neither of us can see "letting down" the people we work for, given the need for workers in both of our fields.

    Getting into a daycare in our community is almost as difficult as finding a physician.

    What should we do if we have children?
  37. Amanda Taylor from Halifax, Canada writes: Has anybody considered an Au Pair???
    I am a Au Pair. I have lived in Malaysia, Chicago and now, in Frankfurt. I have done jobs where I take care of the children 8 hrs/day, 7 days a week or work as a mother's helper. From my perspective having an Au Pair is a good alternative to hiring a professional nanny, because we are more economical and convienent (living in the house) An Au Pair can become an older sister (or brother) to your children rather than a replacement to their own mother. We offer a more accepting approach to motherhood and are open to learning new tactics in raising kids. The payoff to the Au Pair arrives when they can appreciate living in a new country and making new friends from around the world. It can be a difficult search for the perfect Au Pair, but I do believe it can be a perfect and life changing decision for parents and children. And just imagine the cultural experience you can offer your children by hiring an Au Pair from a different culture, and their friends (and yours) will be jealous!
  38. Amanda Taylor from Halifax, Canada writes: 8 hrs/day FIVE days a week sorry!!! Keep in mind, Au Pairs get most weekends off!
  39. My eyes are open, Are yours? from Canada writes: Why is the economic argument the only possible one to make for having a nanny - 'we have to have two jobs, or else one of us would stay home'? WHat about the idea of hiring a Nanny as a professional caregiver because they could do a better job?

    Some people are just not great parents if they have to do it 24/7. Yes, even GOOD moms are sometimes not as good at all those things as someone who really loves it and has a 'knack'. Better that the mom do something she's good at, and hire someone who's good at taking care of the kids. Maybe she can only tolerate 'the wheels on the bus' for 2 hours and not 18 hours, maybe she can only play Candyland 3 times instead of 14 times in one day. Better a good Nanny than an abusive mom.

    Otherwise I would expect to see the same argument made about professional plumbers, electricians and mechanics - why don't fathers do all these 'honeydo's' instead of calling in the professionals?

Comments are closed

Thanks for your interest in commenting on this article, however we are no longer accepting submissions. If you would like, you may send a letter to the editor.

Report an abusive comment to our editorial staff

close

Alert us about this comment

Please let us know if this reader’s comment breaks the editor's rules and is obscene, abusive, threatening, unlawful, harassing, defamatory, profane or racially offensive by selecting the appropriate option to describe the problem.

Do not use this to complain about comments that don’t break the rules, for example those comments that you disagree with or contain spelling errors or multiple postings.

Back to top