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For more than a decade, housecleaning was something I paid someone else to do.
Now living alone and on a budget, I am the one who vacuums the carpets, washes the floors, scrubs the toilets and puts a shine on the kitchen sink. I do the laundry and empty the wastebaskets in my two-floor, two-bedroom paradise. I wash all the sheets and pillowcases. I fold the fresh towels and put them in "the linen closet." I wipe fingerprints off the wall. I have wiped down the fridge. The inside of the fridge.
The labour itself isn't the problem. Disposable cleaning products with names like Swiffer and Scrubbing Bubbles are now specialized to the point of absurdity: One device cleans toilets, another removes bathtub rings, another mops floors and another does dust. No more stinky mops to store or dust rags to launder.
Vacuum cleaners have also evolved. How many different ways are there to suck? A question formerly pertinent only to the Toronto Maple Leafs, there is now a confusing array of bagless, cyclonic wonder-machines that can rip a molar out of your head and filter out the cat dander so you can stick the tooth back in its bleeding hole without having a sneezing fit.
Even with the most specialized equipment, however, the past few months have taught me what cleaning ladies and the people who can't afford them have always known: Housecleaning requires methodical organization. Without it, you will find yourself wasting time better spent drinking. So, for those of you in the same boat, here is a step-by-step single man's guide to cleaning your home using all the latest gizmos.
1) Empty all your wastebaskets into a garbage or recycling bag. This a real pain in the ass and best completed as a single task. Take the trash to the curb. You have now accomplished something and are off to a good start.
2) Take the sheets off the beds and get them going in the washing machine. Place the emptied waste baskets on the denuded beds. Your home will now look like someone is cleaning it. When you realize it's you, your enthusiasm will only increase.
3) Do a room-to-room sweep to collect dirty glasses and dishes; put them in the dishwasher and start it.
4) Bathrooms are next. Get yourself a Mr. Clean MagicReach. It's like a mop for the bathtub. It has a long handle and a rough, disposable scrubbing pad that could scrape the rust off a car. You could probably use it to clean an elephant.
When you've rinsed down the tub, move on to the toilet with a disposable Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush toilet bowl cleaner. It comes with its own soap on the cleaning pad - stick it in the bowl and the water turns that reassuring shade of royal blue. Its long handle means you don't have to face the toilet on your knees, saving that for the next time you vomit.
The sink is an easy job requiring nothing fancier than a sponge and some spray cleaner. Don't forget to shine the faucet; it's a tangible measure of your progress. Finally, mop the floor, either with the Mr. Clean MagicReach, a Swiffer Sweeper or, if you like it old school, a mop and pail. Repeat in same order in other bathrooms.
5) Take all throw rugs outside and give them a good shake. Place them on the unmade beds by the wastebaskets. Put the kitchen garbage pail out of the way in the sink. Pick up any loose items of clothing, wayward shoes, pens, change above 25¢, magazines, electronics cables, etc., to make way for the vacuum cleaner.
6) Oh no, wait a minute. This is where you put the sheets in the dryer. I always forget that.
7) Okay, now here comes the vacuum cleaner. It was hard to know which one to buy, given all the choices. So I did the discriminating thing and chose the cheapest: a Dirt Devil bagless upright. It's very powerful but has two drawbacks: "bagless" means you have to empty the disgusting filth in the canister by hand; and it's as loud as a chainsaw. Anyway, with all your preparatory work done, vacuuming the entire non-bathroom floor and carpet area is easy and satisfying work. Once done, you are in the home stretch.
8) Mop the floors you vacuumed. It's not overkill; there's more dirt there. Swiffer Sweeper Wet Cloths do a fast job of it, and the floors dry quickly.
9) Now comes the moment to start putting the place back together again. Restore the carpets and wastebaskets to their homes. Empty the dishwasher. Clean the kitchen sink. Clean the kitchen garbage pail. Shine your expensive espresso machine. Keep going: You're waiting for the sheets to dry. Wipe down the inside of the fridge. Throw out the dodgy yogurt.
10) Put the fresh sheets on the beds. Fluff the pillows.
11) Plump the sofa pillows.
12) Now for dusting. This separates the clean boys from the clean men. Take a Swiffer Dry Cloth and dust pictures and their frames; dust lamps, shades included; dust shelves (and books if you have any); dust appliances, stereo components, speakers and the television screen; dust CDs and DVDs; dust window ledges; dust the top of the fridge and the bedside table. Dust your iPod. You won't be able to stop.
13) Final task: Collect all the used disposable sponges, cloths and other cleaning refuse, stuff them in a plastic bag and take them to the curb. Fix yourself a drink. Enjoy the feeling of a job well done while it lasts, because you'll be doing it all again in a week. Okay, three weeks.
