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Baby-desperate moms share every detail online

TRALEE PEARCE

Globe and Mail Update

Latest comment posted at 6:16 PM EDT 27/11/07

In the world of the infertility blog, women (and a few men) relay every medical moment, every disappointment and every shred of hope they find in their attempts to have babies ...Read the full article

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  1. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: People should be supported and support others with similar issues. The internet gives those people an easier way to find each other. Just talking about your problems makes them easier to handle and if you can talk to people who care, all the better. So every detail comes out. If nothing else her blog chronicles a process that is unknown to most of us. Hey, if I was a writer that had a character who had infertility issues, it would be a gold mine. I wouldn't read the blog, but for those who do it can be beneficial for the teller and the reader.
  2. Blind InTheSun from Canada writes: It's an old-age epidemic- not a fertility one. Why are children considered commodities? If you can't bear one naturally, maybe nature has another plan for you...
  3. Jacqueline Bendtsen from New Orleans, United States writes: To Blind InTheSun from Canada: this is NOT an 'old-age' issue whatsoever. There are many different causes of infertility. It just so happens that I am a 24-year-old woman who is otherwise healthy, yet I am unable to ovulate without the assitance of fertility medications. I think if you were more familiar with the issue, you would not be so willing to suggest that perhaps 'nature has another plan' for these women; I think that infertility is the symptom of a greater problem that modern society needs to address, because it's shockingly prevalent amongst even young women, like myself. That being said, I will not go to the ends of the Earth, figuratively speaking, to have a biological child. However, I will take advantage of the more affordable drug-based therapies that can help my ovaries release their eggs, which they currently fail to do due to a condition known as PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome - a common cause of infertility in young women); having a child, for many women, is part of the pursuit of happiness to which everyone should be entitled, so I think it's wrong to judge them for it.
  4. Jim OKeefe from Toronto, Canada writes: I couldn't even finish reading the article. I'm sick of my wife's constant reading up on it, constant worry etc. And yes she's pregnant.
  5. Chris H from Canada writes: There's a difference between 'wanting a baby' and 'wanting to become a parent.'

    Best of luck to all those who feel that they would be good parents.
  6. Hans Kelso from Canada writes: This will likely coem accross as insensitive but why is there thsi insane drive towards 'natural' children. Even if those children are the result of fertility treatments. There are plenty of children who need to be adopted into a loving family. Look into the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement.
  7. ms beee from O-town, Canada writes: Hardly any comments here and already I'm seething. To the people who speak so fleetingly of 'nature's plans' and other such voodoo....take a look at yourselves first. To how many people have you posed the question - 'So when are you having kids?' 'Why don't you have kids yet?' 'Any plans for kids?' 'You're not getting any younger...have you thought about kids?'

    Think about it. Society expects you to get married and then have kids. If you don't have kids, you get pestered (and trust me, as a relatively newly-married woman, I am very familiar with this recurring refrain about children). Not only do these women have their own personal emotions to contend with, but the nosey, probing thoughts of all their families, friends and even acquaintances (yes, you would be surprised who feels fit to comment on one's procreation inclinations). Anyway - I think this article is a great way of raising awareness of the prevalence of infertility and people's insensitivity toward it.

    And for the record - I'm not pregnant, nor am I trying to be, so I really have no idea as to the status of my fertility...
  8. Hans Kelso from Canada writes: Society's expectations are insane. Why stress about something that isn't happening as easily if at all like it should. If you want a child adopt one do good in two ways: caring a for a child who currently doesn't have a loving home and not adding to the planetary overpopulation.
  9. Alison Browne from Canada writes: You will excuse me if I can't feel a whole lot of sympathy for a blogger who announces she is pregnant on an infertility website. They are about as welcome as the person who stands among the hungry, eating a big sandwich. One can feel happy for them, sure, but their happiness, even their presence, only underlines the dashed hopes, frustration and longing an infertile couple feels. Everything they say is coming from a place the infertile woman wants to be.

    There are plenty of pregnancy blogs, new-mother blogs and parenting blogs. Move on, enjoy the end of your struggle, and meet some new people who share your experience. That's what blogging is all about.
  10. Angela M from Toronto, Canada writes: I've been down the infertility road myself and have kept an infertility blog for three years.

    For those asking why we 'infertiles' don't get adopt, you are ill-informed. Adoption is hardly a simple solution.

    There are few women giving up their (healthy) babies anymore and it can be highly competitive to win the affections of one who is. Foreign adoptions can also take years to complete and are certainly not cheaper than trying a round or two of IVF.

    Either way, adoption is emotionally-wrenching. It's filled with risks (there are countless heartbreaking stories of would-be parents who thought they had found a baby only to have the mother change her mind). It's filled with tears -- both for the birth mother and the new parents. Many of us cannot bear to face that, so we'd sooner stick our legs in some stirrups.

    And that's our choice to make.

    Walk a mile in our moccasins, then judge.
  11. Pamela Jeanne from San Jose, United States writes: With all due respect your headline needs a rework. First, not all women who write about infertility are 'moms.' While that's the desired goal not all of us succeed. In my blog Coming2Terms (www.coming2terms.com). I write about living with infertility in a fertile world after both biology and science failed -- despite our early, best, and determined efforts. Second, I believe the word 'desperate' sends the wrong message about infertiles. While we are in the unenviable position of having to rely on unnatural acts to get what comes easily to others, 'desperate' is patronizing and far from empathetic. I'm convinced that 'fertile' people would go to the same extremes if they suddenly learned that their children were not a given.

    And that gets to the heart of a bigger matter... from my firsthand experience if infertiles received the support and understanding in real life they crave, they wouldn't need to rely so heavily on the online infertility community. That said, the more appropriate headline is: 'Couples who desire children look online for support missing in their real life'
  12. Patricia C from Toronto, Canada writes: I always wonder at people who say infertility is natural and we should just accept it. Bacteria is natural, so are viruses, but we seem to spend a lot of money and medication treating those illnesses, not to mention diseases caused by poor lifestyle choices, like smoking related cancers, and heart disease. Yet, infertile couples get judged for wanting to treat their legitimate illness, an illness that they didn't cause.

    As for the environmental angle, adoption does nothing for that. Birth mothers who relinquish children almost always have more later on in life. So if they give up a child, they will still have 2 or more they want to raise themselves, just 5 years later. Same number of kids result in the end, and some studies show that birth mothers who relinquish tend to have more children than average since they feel a sense of loss and grief they need to work through.

    And no one said adoption isn't rewarding as an experience or that adopted children weren't equally worthy, and if you went to any of the blogs listed in the article you would know that. And I'm adopted, so yes, I do know how it works. I also know that the current wait for a domestic adoption of a healthy baby in Ontario is approximately 5 years, sometimes longer in some regions. Russian adoption can run up $40K, and many other countries are comparable.
  13. Kimberly s. from United States writes: For all of you who feel that those of us who can't have children easily or naturally should either give up or "simply" adopt- 1. I guess you are lucky your parents didn't have a problem or feel that way 2. how many children have you adopted and how many reams of forms and humiliating, begging, "pick me please" letters to birth parents have you filled out? and 3. I pray that no member of your family has to experience the hell of infertility because I would not wish this on my worst enemy..

    It is unfair that because of reproductive medical problems or the fact that we do not have oodles of money to "buy" a child from a foreign county that we should be told we shouldn't work to have a baby or be made to feel that by working toward this goal we are "desperate" or "crazy" or any other unfair moniker you may try to pin on us.

    Look around - see how many twins and triplets you see? Maybe you would realize how many people make it thru to the other side of the brick wall of infertility and that they make great parents who truly appreciate what they have.
  14. Darrin Duell from Winnipeg, Canada writes: Another great example of the Internet connecting people. With regard to those who share the view that we should accept infertility for the sake of controlling polpulation.. I used to think that way when I was young and going to college, self absorbed and insensitive.. eventually I grew up as I am sure you will. Vote Ron Paul!!
  15. Kay Ay from Canada writes: My sister-in-law and her husband seem to have come to the conclusion that it's never going to work out for them. It's a shame really because they would make wonderful parents.
    It's great these groups are out there for those who need them. With an issue such as this where someone is generally being "blamed" for doing something wrong when they can't get pregnant...there needs to be some unbiased support. Some people need to share their experiences with those who understand.
    Family isn't always helpful especially after a few years.
    And the charge to "adopt" well, it's expensive and difficult.
  16. whatevah D from Canada writes: Angela M: I agree, I would love to adopt, but the cost is outrageous and the scrutiny they put you through is even worse. As someone who has suffered from depression, no one would ever let me adopt a child.
  17. john adamson from Canada writes: As long as these blogs function as virtual support networks for women -and men - who feel isolated by their experiences of infertility, I'm all for them. Society puts a lot of pressure on couples to procreate (as long as they're seen as the 'right' kind of couple - the comments on the g&m boards after an article on artificial insemination which involved lesbians were unbelievably hostile). I think these sorts of fora (the blogs, not the G&M) can provide safe and very supportive communities of care, communities which are sorely lacking in contemporary society. Certainly the callous comments of many of the posters here provide clear proof of the isolation, negativity and harsh judgements that many people struggling with infertility face.

    My wife and I have not, thankfully, experienced infertility. But we know many who have. Some have chosen the adoption route, which has been long, arduous, expensive and, honestly, a bureaucratic nightmare. And many of these couples weren't facing infertility because of 'advanced maternal age'...they experienced infertility in their 20's. Some went on to have biological children (one at 42!).

    Infertility is a complex issue. There's so much at stake, particularly when one considers it within a cultural imperative to procreate. It's really an immense weight for a couple to carry. The more kinds of support available, the better.
  18. D K from Canada writes: Chris H from Canada writes: There's a difference between 'wanting a baby' and 'wanting to become a parent.'

    Well said.
  19. tess lyons from Hong Kong writes: certainly hans, there are many children out there who are in need of loving homes. however, bringing those children into your home is not that easy.

    my husband and i tried to "just adopt". however, because i have epilepsy and my husband was previously married, our home study was "turned down".

    "just adopting" isn't the quick answer for couples with infertility issues that you might think it is. after adoption was no longer an option, we decided to pursue infertility treatments, and started our family through that avenue.
  20. whatevah D from Canada writes: tess lyons from Hong Kong writes: certainly hans, there are many children out there who are in need of loving homes. however, bringing those children into your home is not that easy.

    my husband and i tried to "just adopt". however, because i have epilepsy and my husband was previously married, our home study was "turned down".

    Sorry to hear it. That's what I don't understand -- why is it so hard for people to adopt otherwise UNWANTED children for reasons such as these? I understand making sure a home is safe and loving, but the fact that your husband has been previously married or that you have a health condition? I think that's ridiculous.
  21. CD W from Canada writes: Then it is no wonder that folks who would be great for adopting local children now seek out children in other countries. Nothing wrong with it. African orphans that will now have a family, chinese orphans that will now have a family, a local child that will be stuck in the foster system. Go figure.
  22. Beth Kyle from Indianapolis, United States writes: Not all infertile bloggers are 'Desparate' to have a baby. They do have a sense of longing to create a family unit. The title is insensitive and incorrect.

    I have a feeling if any of the people who suggest to adopt or that this is all about human extinction would feel if THEY actually had to face infertility.

    Everything you do in life comes from nature's, or as I prefer, Providence's time. It is just that some people will never get to that time without help from science or changing their lifestyle. Many times we have to completely modify our lifestyles, removing any things that other non-infertile couples don't even have to think about. And that type of modification takes day to day focus - sometimes misconstrude as obsession.

    Is it because I am not supposed to be a mother? I don't believe so. You don't have to understand, and I hope you never do understand. Just have a little empathy???
  23. john adamson from Canada writes: CD W: But even international adoptions are not easy. I have friends who met their child to be at the age of 7, and then, because of government bureaucracy, a variety of changes to adoption legislation, agency changes, etc, had to wait over three years and spend buckets and buckets of money in order to bring the child here. The child knew s/he was coming, the family was ready to welcome him/her, but they sat in limbo for along time. A less well off family would have had to bail, leaving that child completely adrift.

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