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Turn to your husband - not your bloodthirsty instincts

CLAUDIA DEY

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 6:50 PM EST 20/12/07

Not to your bloodthirsty instincts. ...Read the full article

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  1. Mr. Justice from Canada writes: My advice: Why be concerned about this woman ? Flip a coin on whether you expose her. More fundamentally: You should dump this guy (that would be: your husband); life is probably hell for you both at this point; pottery can't be 'un-broken'. NOTE: This advice is the same no matter which partner did the cheating; that is what marks this advice as 'different' from some other advice you read at this site.
  2. Wandering Willy from Victoria, Canada writes: Why do you even care about the woman? You don't live with her, talk to her or have anything to do with her. Its your husband that slept with her so if you have issues, its with him. Deal with it, have your own fling or move on. Its stories like this that keep confirming the fact that humans are not monogamous by nature and should have multiple partners.
  3. A C from Albertario, Canada writes: CD needs to have her book of metaphorical mishmash taken away, for example she writes:
    'If we are examining the difference between human beings and animals, surely the way we handle our hurt is an appropriate measurement. Are we vengeful and vitriolic, or are we diplomatic and forward-thinking? Let us attempt the latter.'

    First, humans are animals, not veggies or rocks; second, what animals are more vengeful or vitriolic than us? In fact, if humans aren't the only vengeful and vitriolic animals out there, then at the very least we're so far up the leaderboard that not even a Melvillian mammal is about to catch up.

    So the answer to her own seemingly-rhetorical question is that humans are both vengeful and diplomatic. However, we are rarely just.

    The problem with the some responses is that they make the it seem that bringing this act into the light is itself unjust.
    The assumption seems based on the idea that adultery's a venial sin, a minor foible, or petty crime so one should not 'condemn her children to a life without their mother.' It's unjust!
    But if this isn't a ridiculous overstatement, then we need to ask what this says about the community standards respecting adultery.

    Consider if the adulterers had committed pedophilia, beastiality or necrophilia--no one would say it's wrong to out them. In other words, the community standards are the basis by which the victim of this affair should choose to make this sin/ crime known. The community, including her children, thus, should be aware that this woman repeatedly committed an act that are a grevious sin according to community standards, and that she lies about it everyday through acts of ommision. To do otherwise is akin to accepting priests abusing altar boys because they'd lose their Parish.

    But the trick is to do this without vengence, if you can't do that, . . . then don't (ask Shylock). Justice need be your singular motive.
  4. Sleepy Head from Canada writes: I, too, have never understood why people always want to hurt the other person involved. Your PARTNER cheated on YOU. if revenge is what you want (but I'm not saying that giving into it is the right thing to do), surely it is your partner who should pay? Anyway, instead of misdirecting these negative feelings at the other woman, it's better to continue with therapy, have it out with the husband, or leave him if you can't forgive him.
  5. L Pratt from Canada writes: No doubt the Other Woman did not enter into, and maintain for 2 1/2 years, a relationship with the husband simply to hurt the wife.

    The wife needs to be honest with herself, people don't look for other relationships unless the one they are in is lacking. Sex is not what people seek in an extra-marital affair, they are seeking, friendship, compassion, respect, ingredients necessary for any successful relationship. I wonder if he is back because he wants to be, or out of guilt and fear of her actions.

    If the wife has decided to stay in a marriage with this man, she needs to commit to that and only that.
  6. J La Flaca from Canada writes: I find the whole discussion regarding “affairs” rather curious. I live and work internationally, primarily in the Caribbean and Latin America. Infidelity is so common place that it has lost its power over me. Dinner party after dinner party, I sit with the N. American development professional, the European diplomat, the Asian business man who is accompanied by his girlfriend/mistress, while wife at home. There is no batting of the eye at this reality. On my part, it has provoked a sort of acceptance of this sort of infidelity, in which the primary relationship remains strong and committed, and the secondary is enjoyed but not flaunted or wielded to hurt. I have come to view infidelity as an eventuality and not as an end-all-be-all that threatens the core existing commitment. It is not some terrible sin. Having myself been the “other woman”, I very much assumed that stance that it is HIS relationship between him and his wife. I treat it with respect and do not interfere with his primary relationship or priorities. I am not responsible for his conduct with his wife, nor the quality of their relationship nor the motivation for his affair. THAT part is between him and his wife. Perhaps the N. American woman’s fear or image is of the “other woman” falling in love with and desiring more with the married man, and threatening the marriage. Most women I know (and they are not few) who are in relationships with married/committed men DO realize that they are in a relationship as such. They do not WANT a committed, available man. In other words, they essentially do not want to usurp the wife’s place. So really, the married woman/wife should do nothing in regards to the “other woman”, nothing at all. The “other woman” is simply not the issue –it is the understandings and assumptions embedded in the principle relationship that must be addressed – concepts of commitment, trust and quality of the relationship are where the focus must lie.
  7. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: You sure live your life backwards when you find out.

    Personally, I could forgive her for an impromptu once-in-a-lifetime hook-up with George Clooney (sorry, no substitutes, offer void). More power to her.

    Trust lost is hard to regain. His admission of an affair suggests not only a likelihood of repeating, but also a warning that another could be in the works if things don't change. Two and a half years a while ago?

    Kick his slimy, deceitful butt out!
  8. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: J La Flaca from Canada writes: I find the whole discussion regarding “affairs” rather curious. I live and work internationally, primarily in the Caribbean and Latin America.
    --------------------------

    Cool. She's with me because she wants to be, and there are competitive choices almost every day. Some cultures are into time sharing. In France they call it a '5 to 7' (cinq et sept). In Holland, they call it 'my neighbour'.

    I value loyalty, honesty, and trust. They're rare. But people are free to cut their own deal, like the Clintons, for instance, or you.
  9. L DR from Ottawa, Canada writes: The affair lasted for over 2 years? Out the woman now -- she didn't care about you and your family life so why should you care about her. Too bad her religion/life is that severe, she should have thought about it before she hopped into bed with your husband. And don't forget to leave that cheating husband of yours at the curb for the garbage. And the next man you meet, tell him what you did to the other woman -- as a warning!
  10. A C from Albertario, Canada writes: J La Flaca writes: Most women I know (and they are not few) who are in relationships with married/committed men . . . do not WANT a committed, available man. In other words, they essentially do not want to usurp the wife’s place. So really, the married woman/wife should do nothing in regards to the “other woman”, nothing at all.

    J,

    While that appears to work for you and (many) others, I don't think moral or community standards are universal or even transferable. For example, had one argued that one knows many men in Bangkok who regularly have sex with pre-pubescent girls and scholars in Ancient Greece who had sex with pre-pubescent boys, so it's alright to do so in all communities, one would probably hear some challenges to the universally acceptable nature of this community-specific behaviour.

    Similarly, this act did not occur in a cultural or contextual vacuum; and the parties might be best to address the matter in a contextually appropriate manner for their community, not according to moral standards that are imposed upon them from outside their community. From reading your post, I assume that you would want or expect the same privilege.
  11. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: Ooops, forgot the other national language here:

    Cool. She's with me because she wants to be, and there are competitive choices almost every day. Some cultures are into time sharing. In France they call it a '5 to 7' (cinq et sept). In Holland, they call it 'my neighbour' (lekkerstuk).

    Merry Christmas
  12. Miss Lady from Canada writes: The other woman was wrong, but it was never her place to maintain your marriage, it was your husband's job. Forget her, she will deal with what she has done in her conscience and fear. She didn't do you wrong, HE did.
    Going to counselling while continuing the affair was despicable - really, how can you ever trust him? If a faithful relationship is what you baragained for (maybe J La Flaca's parties all knew fidelity was never the plan, which is the only way I can see it being close to okay - promiscuity spreads diseases, after all), that's what he should have delivered, and you need to work out your feelings with him.
    And unless he is George Clooney and you are Free Willy, it has nothing to do with how much in shape you are.
  13. A C from Albertario, Canada writes:

    Miss Lady,

    I'll have you know that Free Willy was in great shape. You try blancing a ball on your nose while swimming backwards or leaping through a hoop ten feet in the air, and see how easy that is!

    . . . or, when you said Free Willy did you mean Bill Clinton?
  14. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: J La Flace, so it's okay to carry on with someone else when you have entrusted your fidelity (via marriage vows) to your partner. I, too, have had an affair with a married man and it wasn't okay with me to just be with him part time. I wanted it all...okay, I was stupid and I learned my lesson. So perhaps it's your moral turpitude which should be in question, not the foundations on which marriages are based. As for this woman, she shouldn't blame the other woman. The blame sits squarely with her husband. For the 'mistress' it is for her husband to make his choice.
  15. A C from Albertario, Canada writes:
    Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: Some cultures are into time sharing. In France they call it a '5 to 7' (cinq et sept). In Holland, they call it 'my neighbour' (lekkerstuk).

    And in Belgium? They call it Tuesday.
  16. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: A.C. just read up to the, always ready to drop his pants, erudite Wandering Willy Longtail. He never fails to entertain with his take on sex and sexuality.
  17. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: Probably. Monday is for the maid.
  18. The Wet One from Edmonchuk, Canada writes: Why people even bother to get married, knowing that this result is likely is unclear to me. We probably put too many expectations into this edifice called marriage. It's highest ideals probably lie beyond the capacity or desires of most of us. It works for some, but not for many. Either the expectations become a soul crushing burden or the mismatch of committment to the ideals and expectations of the parties kill the marriage. Probably that's why we need the Church and other edifices to shore up an institution that has inherent weaknesses (especially since it is founded on the average human being rather than the exceptional individuals who are required to live upto the high ideals embodied in marriage joyfully). Ah well... Heck, half the people I know have cheated. I'm beginning to learn about those of my parents entourage who cheated. They are, after all, merely human. You can call them slimy whatevers, but they are just humans trying to get along in the world. Too bad their being merely human undermines their ability to reach somewhat unrealistic goals. I for my part, as a male, have decided to forego this particular endeavour. The cost benefit analysis is very poor and I don't see that the benefits which will supposedly accrue to me are actually available to me. No rose coloured glasses here. If I could find a similarly minded human female, it might be worth taking the risk, but I still rather doubt it... Sigh.. C'est la vie!
  19. The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: L Pratt from Canada writes: 'Sex is not what people seek in an extra-marital affair....'

    L Pratt, I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. If two people are together for 28 years they already have a good bond. The friendship, partnership, compassion and for the most part, respect are already there. However, lets be honest with our selves. We are 5exua1 animals. I a 50 year old has a partner who has let himself/herself go to pot that 50 year old is going to start noticing more attractive people. If that persons partners is prudish or the 5ex drive declines over the year that person is going start missing the old days when 5ex was fun and interesting. Now if that 50 year old begins to receive some attention from a younger, attractive person of interest things are more likely to happen.

    This guy should not have cheated on his wife. That much is definite. However, what did this women do to drive him away? She must look at herself in the a mirror (literally and metaphorically) and see exactly what she has become over the past 28 years.

    Furthermore, humans are not monogamous animals. A life partner is good but verity is the spice of life. I would suggest swinging. The best of both worlds.

    With regard to exposing the other women: If you are bent on revenge, go for it. But if you are going for revenge you might as well as make it complete. Dishonor her by exposing her and leave him, taking half of everything, for cheating on you. After all they both violated your trust. If he wanted to sleep with other women he should have brought up the topic of swinging with you before hand. Just be sure you are prepared to deal with the fallout after your revenge has been had. Remember, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.' If you cannot be cold, don't play that card. Find another way.
  20. L Pratt from Canada writes: Simply because people are together for 28 years doesn't mean that they are living in, and enjoying, a healthy relationship that includes friendship, respect, and the like.

    If the husband was looking only for sex he'd have been engaging in many one-night stands, or hiring escorts......he would not have been in a relationship that lasted 2 1/2 years.

    I agree, his actions were not right, but they were his actions and the wife has accepted him back notwithstanding! If you are unhappy in a relationship, get out! But, she has accepted him back, so stop whining and move on!
  21. Banofee Pie from Toronto, Canada writes: I wonder...are the guys here who are saying their wives should be in perfect shape after 28 years in perfect shape themselves? It's easy to say a woman should look like she's 25 when she's really 55, but how realistic is that really? Healthy and active, sure, but let's be realistic...if the wives do look pretty/hot/attractive while their hubbies are still sporting a beer paunch, is it ok for the women to have an affair with a George Clooneyesque fella, or is that out of order? There could be a number of reasons why marriages fall prey to affairs. A spouse who has let him/herself REALLY go is one thing, recognizing that you're incompatible overall is another (I think the latter is usually a result of marrying too early into a relationship or marrying too young). I would think if you count your spouse as your best friend, you're less likely to cheat on him/her. Ultimately it comes down to being decisive and making responsible decisions. If a man has an issue with his wife's weight, he owes it to his wife to talk it out, and try to resolve it. If it matters that much to him and his wife can't/doesn't want to work it out, that might be grounds for separation. If someone is that tempted to cheat that he or she is willing to sacrifice his/her marriage, then perhaps the marriage isn't worth saving and the choice to cheat should be replaced with the choice to divorce. We all have temptations, it's what we do with it that matters. Marriage isn't just a certificate, it's a respect issue. If you respect your spouse, you don't cheat. Period.
  22. I can relate from Canada writes: The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: ''Revenge is a dish best served cold.' If you cannot be cold, don't play that card. Find another way. '

    I believe that you have missed the meaning of that quote. Revenge is a dish best served cold, because you should not lash out in the heat of the moment. You should cool down and, if you must exact some sort of revenge, do it with a semi-rational state of mind.
  23. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: 'However, what did this women do to drive him away?' This has to be my favourite line from the drivel above. Maybe she didn't do anything to drive him away. Perhaps it is truly a flaw in his character.
  24. Chris H from Canada writes: What is with women taking out their problems with men on other women? Come on! Why doesn't she take away her husband's kids, family, social respect? He's the one that wreaked the marriage. Quit it with the cattiness. By blaming the other women, it's like saying he was too simple or innocent to resist her evil charms... what tripe!
  25. Angry West Coast Canuck from Canada writes: Relationships, especially long term ones, ebb and flow over time. The initial eurphoria of love and romance is often replaced by a more enduring, but lower key bond. Unfortunately, during these long relationships, that bond can become strained. OK, he strayed into the arms of another woman. What did that woman give him that the wife wouldn't, or couldn't? Not blaming the wife here at all, but if one partner strays there are usually deep but unacknowledged lacks in the relationship. Needs that must be fulfilled. Was it sex? Intimacy? A certain emotional connection? Could be one of dozens of things. They're going to therapy - that can be good, depending on the therapist.

    Trick is, he probably still likes or even loves that other woman. It's quite possible for someone to love more than one person after all. If you deliberately go out of your way to hurt her, you just might destroy the marriage that you're trying to rebuild. Heck, by forcing the woman out of her own environment, she might try harder to take him away from you for good, whereas by leaving her be she can vanish into her hypocrisy and you can keep the higher moral ground.

    So you can choose to deliberately hurt the other woman, and increase the chance of ending your marriage completely. Or you can let her be and concentrate on finding out why he strayed, then deciding if he's still the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Of course, you can out her anytime once the marriage ends. Revenge is, after all, a dish best served cold.

    Your choice of course.
  26. CD W from nice small town, Canada writes: Feel your anger! Do a Darth Vader thing in private, then just let it go. Always remember that there will be a mirror for you to look into everytime you make a turn. Now as for your husband, staying with him is now a business choice. No amount of therapy will ever erase your distrust of him. So figure out now if staying or leaving gives you the most economic benefit. If it is leaving, crush him while you can, because you can be sure he is planning to leave sometime down the road. It is just how guys can be.
  27. I can relate from Canada writes: I was also a victim very early on in a relationship. Well, I suppose that I should have saw it coming, considering that I was the catalyst of her exiting the previous relationship (she was already looking for the right time to break it off anyways...). But with a stranger???

    I tried to make it work at first. Very shortly after came a baby. All I can say, is that it's been a rocky road. I'm not sure that all couples have the ability to recover.
  28. Wandering Willy from Victoria, Canada writes: I love you too Jennifer!
  29. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Angry says '...What did that woman give him that the wife wouldn't, or couldn't...). When we stray we are making a conscious decision affecting ourselves. We are really cheating ourselves more than anyone else and we have to live with the consequences of our own actions. Betraying someone reveals far more about our own character than it does about the person we cheat on or with. For this woman it would be the same if she 'outed' the other woman. She is revealing her true character, not the character of the woman her husband was having an affair with.

    I think this marriage is doomed but I'd still say to her how will you feel about yourself if you open your trap. There are more people in this thing than you. Think about your own children and hers. They do not deserve your wrath...Look at yourself from outside and realize the consequences of your actions if you speak. You would be just as bad as they are, no?
  30. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: WW, of course you do...always nice to 'read' you on here...J
  31. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: P.S. Willy, I just live 60 miles north of you...J
  32. George BrownIII from Christmas Island writes: Dear scorned person.

    Let bygones be bygones. It seems you are full of revenge without looking in yourself why your husband went to check out the grass on the other side of the fence. Manage your anger in a constructive way seek help or you may soon be seeking another man, and the people you so tried to hurt carry life happily ever after.
    As for myself I am disqualified to cast the first stone.
  33. gargi ganguli from montreal, Canada writes: She should DTMFA, preferably while flaunting some hot young thing. Forget the other woman. Amazing all these prehistoric types lecturing her on how to keep hubby happy.
  34. Been Bitten from Canada writes: Why do you want to keep him? He wants 'you' because he got caught and it's going to cost him if you leave.
    Been through this and I took the high road. I wish I'd turfed her sooner and exposed him. Forget anything you feel about her.

    When I think back to the many times I was lied to and made a fool of because I trusted my ex it makes me sick.

    Like a comment above - pottery cannot be fixed. It needs to go in the garbage because the cracks will always be there.

    You sound like a person who does not deserve this crap.
  35. Sylvester McMonkey McBean from Ottawa, Canada writes: Despite the superficial attractiveness of all the high-flown rhetoric about forgiveness and bygones, a good system is one which enforces a strong coupling between choice and consequences. In this case, the wife made no choice at all - the affair was conducted without her knowledge or approval. The husband and other woman made their choices - he has had to deal with his consequences. The other woman however has not. Out her. She knew the price going in, and so far, the wife is the one who has paid. That should be corrected.
  36. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: If the woman has made a committment to making the marriage work, the couple needs to address the issue(s) that made the husband go elsewhere. The past must be forgotten, the other woman is no longer a player. If she is exposed it would dredge up all the bitterness of the past for BOTH her and the couple and no one could move on. Couples can reconnect and live together by addressing the issues, but something would have to change. The wife slighted and embittered by the affair, will have to change that tune if she wants a relaxed, happy household and a husband who enjoys coming home to her. If he has committed to stay, it needs to be accepted by both husband and wife and MOVE ON. Let the past go.
  37. A C from Albertario, Canada writes: Nature Lover writes: If the woman has made a committment to making the marriage work, the couple needs to address the issue(s) that made the husband go elsewhere. The past must be forgotten, the other woman is no longer a player.

    Actually, the idea of forgetting the past is a bad one, very bad. Forgiveness does not go hand in hand with forgetfulness, regardless of the cliche to 'forgive and forget.' In fact, true forgiveness demands that you understand and remember what it is that you forgive. Forgiving and forgetting is not forgiveness; it's repression, and repression is rather bad, long term and will likely result in displacement and regression and endless therapy or a strong set of psychological crutches.

    As to the other woman no longer being a player, how do you know this? She could be asking the husband to get back together. She could be ruining another half dozen marriages today, or have ruined another half dozen marriages at the time she was having the relationship with the husband. How should this wife feel if by failing to out this adulteress she discovers that another marriage in her community has been ruined or severely damaged by the carelessness of this 'player'?
  38. The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: I can relate from Canada writes: The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: ''Revenge is a dish best served cold.' If you cannot be cold, don't play that card. Find another way. '

    I believe that you have missed the meaning of that quote. Revenge is a dish best served cold, because you should not lash out in the heat of the moment. You should cool down and, if you must exact some sort of revenge, do it with a semi-rational state of mind.
  39. The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: ''However, what did this women do to drive him away?' This has to be my favourite line from the drivel above. Maybe she didn't do anything to drive him away. Perhaps it is truly a flaw in his character.'

    Doubtful. When someone has a good thing they tend to hang onto it. Most likely she let herself go to pot, got boring in the bedroom and she got complacent, stuck in the rut of routine. He likely wanted some fire, something interesting, wild and spontaneous. So her failure to take care of herself and her complacency is likely what drove him away.
  40. The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes: I can relate from Canada writes:'I believe that you have missed the meaning of that quote. Revenge is a dish best served cold, because you should not lash out in the heat of the moment. You should cool down and, if you must exact some sort of revenge, do it with a semi-rational state of mind.'

    That is exactly what I meant. Stay calm, be friendly, make nice and wait until everyone involved thinks everything has blown over. Then let stories about the other women slip into the rumor mill and blind side him with divorce papers demanding everything you can get. Don't get mad, get even.
  41. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: The choices we make decide our place in life from Canada writes:
    Don't get mad, get even.

    Why would she want to do this if she is trying to make a marriage work? What is to be gained by this? Maybe she's keeping the marriage together so her kids can have a reasonable life with two parents. And he says he wants to keep it together too. If he was ready to walk he would have done it and not ended after 2 1'2 years with the other woman. Why seek revenge when someone is reconciling? Would you be waiting in the shadows to take revenge on a friend if you chose to get back together after an argument? Marriages can't work if someone is waiting for revenge.
  42. Niran Sabanathan from Edmonton, Canada writes: I think there is real anger at the husband misdirected at the mistress. Although the guy has agreed to work on the marriage, there is nothing wrong with letting him know how much grief, and pain he has caused. He may think he knows, but he does not really. This rage is for BOTH partners to deal with.
    As for outing the other woman, a two and a half year affair indicates that she really does not value her marriage, family or religion - if she really did 'value' it, why do it in the first place. Nothing in wrong with informing the other woman how much she has hurt the family is important - since the act of betrayal took two parties, it is important to learn some consequence of the initial betrayal action. If this were business, it would like informing a company for the wrong they have done by their product or service.
    As for informing the woman's family,there really is nothing to be gained except revenge. But, it is a world full of hurt, with only one more hurtful act. If one can live with the knowledge that you are the author of this pain (as this husband apparently can) then write away. If one can not live the knowledge that the have been as hateful as the authors of the affair (and they were hateful though they may not have thought so), then do not commit another hateful act.
  43. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Choices, what a lot of assumptions you make. Maybe he is just a 'dog'. That could be as true as anything you have said. There is no evidence pointing to any of what you say as being true. HE cheated, why should she be to blame?
  44. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: Jennifer, sounds you blame yourself for your fling, not your husband. More power to you.
  45. Alberto Bayo from Canada writes: Nail her if you can. Revenge is sweet, and best served cold.
  46. Miss Daisy from Canada writes: Does anybody else think the therapist is out of line? If s/he knew about the affair and kept it from the wife while continuing to counsel the couple, that doesn't seem right to me. If they want to make the marriage work, they should get a different and neutral therapist.
  47. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: Yeah, they should get a new therapist if this one wasn't "bargaining in good faith". What's the point of trying to resolve anything with a therapist who would allow one party to decieve another during therapy? I would think that would be against the code of conduct for therapists anyway, wouldn't it?
  48. I can relate from Canada writes: What should the therapist have done? He/She couldn't just expose the husband due to confidentiality. They could have encouraged the husband to share it with his wife... but isn't that it? The only other option is to refuse to counsel the couple?
  49. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Rollo, it is always about the cheater, never about the spouse left at home. I had a choice once to cheat or not, and I wanted out of my relationship. A friend said to me an affair is the easiest way out. I told her I would never do that to myself (let alone him). We have to live in our own heads, Rollo, I couldn't forgive myself for letting myself down if I cheated. I left not long after, without having had the affair. Now my ex and I are friends and I can live with myself knowing I did it the right way.
  50. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: Jennifer: If it was that easy everyone would do it that way. Though it may not be about the spouse at home, it is often about the RELATIONSHIP with that person at home. If people find a better relationship outside the home, it can seem like an easy way out. Regardless of the fact the outside relationship is not built on the reality of a realtionship, where everything counts, not just what you feel like sharing at the time. Men often find another woman outside of marriage to "flee" to, then when she wants a complete relationship, he gets cold feet and goes back to what he already has, as the excitement wears off, or the other woman just wants the same committment the wife did. And women are gullible enough to believe a man will leave his wife for "me." Of course the whole time the man is painting a very wicked picture of the wife he goes back to. And women buy this crap from married men, again and again.
  51. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: Jennifer, unlike the woman in the case study, you recognized that a had a bad marriage, and no marriage at all was better, so you left, which took guts. I respect you for that, unlike the dithering fool in the case study.

    Why do women believe that the married man will be any better with them? It's a slippery slope.
  52. K S from Velo City, Canada writes: Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: "Jennifer: If it was that easy everyone would do it that way." <<>> Actually, it's not the 'ease' factor at all. It's quite easy to avoid doing things that cheat yourself and others, when you actually have respect for yourself and others. But that requires moral fortitude, an area where alas many of us have 'really let ourselves go'. That's why some people can rekindle a relationship or initiate a breakup properly as required by the situation, and the others just make excuses about their 'horrible' spouse to justify all kinds of nasty stuff and drag it out. I noticed from your previous posts Nature Lover that you are the blame-the-victim type. Seriously, since when does another person's physical shape - or anything else for that matter - dictate our morals or lack thereof? No one 'makes' another person cheat. When given the choice and opportunity with a morally unhinged other, his conscience should have screamed out BAD CHOICE, STUPID! The fact that it did not, regardless of whether their marriage was having troubles or not, is a failure on his part. Any theoretical discussion of what the spouse could have, should have, done to prevent it is moot. Nothing can prevent someone from doing something like this if they want to. He wanted to. Now the question is, when it comes right down to it, does he still want to?
  53. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Nature Lover, leaving that relationship was THE hardest thing I have ever done. I am not saying it is easy for anyone. I knew the impact it would have but I just couldn't stay. I took a lot of crap from him before we settled into our friendship but I knew it was about his pain and I waited it out and tried to understand.

    I lost all 'our' friends and he didn't bother to keep them up. I had to listen to people trying to get me to go back and to being called names when I had a brief relationship with an old friend. It is never, ever easy. Still, being true to oneself is the most important thing and I think I was. I have since told that fellow how truly sorry I am to have hurt him and how I love him now. I'm not saying everyone can have this type of resolution but, and especially, if kids are involved we owe it to the children to be as civil as possible.

    And, both you and Rollo are right, married men are generally not going to leave their wives for their lovers. There are lots of fish in the sea...
  54. Waning Gibbous from Canada writes: What would be the point of "blowing the whistle" on "the other woman" anyway? If it hadn't been her, it would have been some one else. The problem lies, not between the original writer and "the other woman"; it lies with the original writer and her husband. Exposing the other woman will not help her heal her marriage which apparently she wants to do, nor will it help her regain her trust in her husband. The only thing it will do is make her look spiteful and vindictive, which does not bode well for the marriage that apparently she wants to save.

    As the saying goes "When embarking on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Exposing the other woman could, in the end, cost her personally far more than she ever imagined.
  55. dallas mcquarrie from Regina, Canada writes: Revenge may be sweet without being fattening, but it does absolutely nothing to build trust or heal wounds. People make mistakes and your husband made a big one. Your decision is whether to make a big mistake of your own (trying to ruin someone else's life) because your husband made a big mistake. Have you considered the possibility that whatever your husband may say (he is obviously a liar to some degree), he was the one who instigated and nurtured the affair and the 'other woman' may be just as aggrevied as you? If you want to build a new life with your husband, concentrate on him, not the other object of his lust. But don't be surprised if you're effort to start anew with hubby falls flat - he's shown a lack of character that makes him untrustworthy. Those who suggest all your problems can be worked out in bed obviously have no understanding of intimacy or the foundations of trust.

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