4
From gun-toting co-workers to bosses who bring in police dogs and hired thugs, it was a year of the ridiculous and the sublime in the world's workplaces. Here's the best of the best, the best of the worst, and the ones we still can't quite understand.
Worst Workplace: Chinese brick kilns
Office denizens ain't got nothin' on the grievances of workers at Chinese brick kilns. Kiln owners were found to have engaged in “illegal employment practices, abduction, restricting workers' personal freedom, employing child labourers and even murder.” What else? Owners “made use of fierce guard dogs and hired thugs, who bashed labourers, adults or children, at will.” Oh, poor you and your lightless cubicle.
Worse Employee: Drunk ambulance driver
To play Faceball, two people sit in chairs three metres apart and lob a beach ball at each other's face (Faceball.org)
Police pulled over an ambulance driver in West Virginia after they saw him run two red lights. They soon discovered he had a patient in the back and that he thought he had turned on his siren and lights. Then, big surprise, he failed a field sobriety test. Get me 40 ccs of unemployment, stat!
Best Office Time-Waster: Faceball
Two employees at photo-sharing website Flickr this year created Faceball, the latest in office gaming (check it out at Faceball.org). The concept is simple: Two people sit in chairs three metres apart and lob a beach ball at each other's face. A facial hit garners one point. The Faceball slogan? “Your face, our balls.” The lure of said balls? “It's actually enjoyable getting hit in the face by your opponent,” said Dunstan Orchard, one of the creators.
Best Office Exit: Angry auction employee
From a farewell e-mail sent by a Christie's employee to colleagues at the auction house: “I feel it is best to quickly express my fondest appreciation for some of the endearing ideas that I have seen peddled around me: like how everyone seems to be replaceable, thinking outside the box is liken to heresy, favouritism is thicker than water and speaking the truth gets you in trouble.” Anyone for farewell drinks?
Worst Workplace Idea: Police-dog training
A New Zealand grocery distributor upset employees after announcing a plan to let law enforcement officials use its facilities to train police dogs. Included in the announcement was a totally unrelated reminder that the possession of drugs and weapons at work was illegal. “This is a workplace, not a prison,” Laila Harre, a union official, told a local paper. “This is about the training needs of the police and the whim of bosses to scare the living shit out of us.” If all goes well, employees may expect to see SWAT training on the premises next year. Drop that kumquat and kiss the floor, produce punk!
Most Dedicated Employee: Carla Bird
Ms. Bird, an assistant at Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios, worked 800 hours of overtime during a 17-week period, which equals roughly 12 or 13 hours a day, seven days a week. But the kicker was that her claim for $32,000 (U.S.) of overtime was paid in full. Maybe it's time to hire the assistant an assistant?
Best Lawsuit Excuse: Massages and sausage
James Bonomo, a former paper-sales manager for Mitsubishi International Corp., sued the company alleging he was subjected to a night of drunken karaoke followed by a forced “non-sexual massage” at a bathhouse while on a business trip to China. While in the bathhouse, he alleges, his supervisor compared his penis to an “Italian sausage” and another colleague snapped a picture of it with a cellphone. Even Dunder Mifflin's paper salesmen would be appalled.
Serves You Right Award: The Texas shooter
An employee at Al Boenker Insurance in Texas shot himself in both legs after bringing a gun to work and placing it in the pocket of his jacket. According to one media report, “The bullet passed through the man's left leg and then his right leg and through the corner of a bookcase before lodging in the wall of a cubicle occupied by a startled female co-worker.”
The local police chief said the man “just felt the need to carry it” that day. Now he'll just feel the need to walk with a cane.
Most Evil Gadget: GZ PC-Sport
The obsession with desk-bound exercise continued unabated this year. The worst piece of office exercise equipment was the GZ PC-Sport, a step machine that connects to your computer and fits under your desk. If you stop stepping, it freezes your keyboard or mouse. As if that doesn't happen enough already.
Best Work Quote: Gregg Adams
Mr. Adams, a professor of veterinary biomedical sciences at the University of Saskatchewan's Western College of Veterinary Medicine, spends his days arm-deep in the rectums of various animals to check if they're pregnant.
When asked about his job, he said, “Have I been pooped on by an elephant and a rhinoceros? Yes. I've been up to my shoulders in it.” Keep reaching for the, er, stars, Gregg!
Outstanding Achievement in Special Effects: IvanAnywhere
Ivan Bowman is a Nova Scotia-based employee of iAnywhere Solutions, based in Waterloo, Ont. In order to make his presence felt in the office that's 1,350 kilometres from his home, the company created IvanAnywhere, a robot stand-in that roams the hallways and attends meetings. Everyone seems to like it, but wait until they realize THE ROBOT ACTUALLY CONTROLS THEM!
Sources: Daily Mail, Kitchener-Waterloo Record, PassiveAggressiveNotes.com,, Manawatu (New Zealand) Standard, The New York Times, Shanghai Daily, Saskatoon StarPhoenix, Fort Worth (Tex.) Star-Telegram, Associated Press.
