Skip navigation

 Login or Register | Member Centre

My husband keeps turning me down for sex

CLAUDIA DEY

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 10:24 AM EDT 07/02/08

We are close and have fun together, but sex is an issue for me. Can anyone help? ...Read the full article

This conversation is closed

  1. Non-hyphenated Canadian from Burlington, Canada writes: When one person says 'we are close', yet there is no sex, it's important to know what the other person says. Maybe they don't feel 'close'. We are only hearing one side of a story that is supposed to be two-sided. Perhaps this is an indication of what is happening (or not happening) in the relationship.
  2. Hugh Draper from Vancouver, Canada writes: A new study says that when it comes to sports, at least, Canadians like to watch.
  3. Ely Sbrozzi from Toronto, writes: 'He is Gay'... could be actually. He may very well be with another woman as well. Despite what he may say.

    I had to read the situation twice as by reading the professional opinions I feel they leave out something I found key: The sex life was not spectacular to begin with. ALL sex in a long distance relationship seems great since you usually have to endure much time between. However, even then it was 'good'. After you moved in together the sex life fell (if I could rank the words) to 'okay'. From there things seemed to have become worse. In my NON-professional opinion, you began at 'average' and declined from there.

    It sounds as if this woman has really put in her time and given it the ol' college try. At 46 it is doubtful he will ever change and turn into a Don Juan. They should seek some partner's therapy and if no middle road can be found it may be time to start thinking of her own needs and whatever her morality is comfortable with.
  4. My eyes are open, Are yours? from Canada writes: Buy yourself a toy. Ask him if he wants to watch you use it.
  5. Mr. Justice from Canada writes: Bear in mind that whatever advice is given to this woman . . . it must be fair to give it equally to the man, if the genders in this story were reversed.
  6. One Who Knows from Toronto, Canada writes: Sounds like a medical condition. Have his testosterone checked, as low free testosterone is a serious but extremely under-reported issue. Most men don't know that FT even exists.

    If he is diagnosed with low free testosterone, then patches and gels can work a miracle. But you first have to make the diagnosis. See a doctor.
  7. CD W from Canada writes: I guess it just depends on how long you think you can stay around. Children are the problem. He is not going to get better.
  8. A J from Canada writes: Did it not bother anyone else that the woman wanted to point out that she is attractive and has had other offers? She is more interested in sex than she is in him. It was deceptive for her to marry him. She should pack her bags and move on so he can be happy.

    A J
  9. Alberto Bayo from Canada writes: Take up the other offers lady, obviously that's what's important to you.
  10. D M from Canada writes: The last two got it. The first thing that got my attention, 'Hell, the sacrifices I'm making for this guy - turning down extramarital affairs!'

    The second coming of Mother Theresa, apparently.
  11. Mike L. from Canada writes: I would rule out medical conditions before turning this into a psychodrama. Erectile dysfunction or low testosterone could be the culprit(s). More important than the ED or low testosterone though, would be the underlying conditions that cause them. ED can have numerous causes related to poor circulation and may be a precursor to heart disease; other systemic diseases, such as diabetes or iron overload disease (hemochromatosis) can lead to ED, or ED and testicular failure in the case of iron overload.

    If she loves her man, she will march him to the doctor at gunpoint if need be, God knows we men are usually reluctant to see the doctor. Not only will it possibly save their sex life, it may save his life as well.
  12. Kay Ay from Canada writes: This is so odd. I have always figured I could wake my husband from a coma if I suggested sex.
    (I am not bragging...it is nice to be desired especially when you are not feeling desirable!)

    I would definately be dragging him off to a doctor.
  13. Rob Gilgan from Canada writes: Give him time and space and let him set the pace for pursuit. Your cycles aren't in coincidence. Pushing it doesn't help. If you go for outside help, be aware you're likely ending the rest of your relationship. Only you can calculate and act on that risk.
  14. Ed Bean from PanicVille ON, Canada writes: In my hospital we see many patients with this type of problem. My advice to them is to go home and buy a 42' flat screen LCD TV with surround sound and subscribe to as many sports channels as they can.
    This is what everyone with sexual dysfunction order [SDO] is doing and why sales of LCD TVs to the 'sexually challenged' are so high at Future Shop. I m not sure if my advice works as i am just the IT guy at the hospital, but i have not had any complaints and i read everyones medical records online anyway....
    Do you have a large LCD TV?... thought so....
  15. bill johnson from resolution, Canada writes: Get him to practice throwing a football through a swinging tire while your watch.
  16. Frank Tom from Toronto, Canada writes: Heard this so many times. Many has argued there cannot be sex without love, but what if the question is turned around? Can there be love without sex? If love between you and your man was there, is still there and will continue to be there, then why not without sex? I guess the bottomline is without the exhibition of sexual behaviour, you are questioning yourself and himself that if love is still there, but there are so many more ways to show he still loves you, still cares about you, not just in bed.
  17. Rollo Tomasi from Belgium writes: My second husband and I have been married for almost eight years. At first, our sex life was good. We had a long-distance relationship and would visit often.
    ------------------------------------------------

    'He felt no more desire for her than a man does for his wife on a hot day.' James Earl Jones, From Here to Eternity.

    Which is to say, perhaps you're making it too easy for him. Maybe a little teasing would help but lay off on making it happen the same day.
  18. J V M from Canada writes: Alas. I was in a similar situation in a long-term relationship. My ex was never interested, and I couldn't convince him to go to therapy or even talk about the problem. I tried ignoring it after a while which sort of worked - we got on well but it was more like roommates. Eventually he cheated with somebody and we broke up. I think maybe, despite how well we got on in other ways, that he was never that physically attracted to me, and perhaps there isn't much that can be done about it. He says he still misses me, but I think we're both better off apart. I assume he will be more attracted to another woman, and for myself I'm happier with a romantic relationship that has a physical component.
  19. John Stanton from Canada writes: He doesnt want to have sex with her because he is having it with someone else....
  20. Jen Dobson from Canada writes: Perhaps she is not doing the right things or they need to try something different. Try dressing sexier, going away for the weekend, seducing him.

    I also wonder if she understands what his sexual desires and needs are. Maybe he has all these fantasies and desires that they are not tapping into that they easily could. Maybe he is into stuff that she isn't - possibly simply because she didn't know he was into it.

    Of course it could just be he is one of those rare men who really do have a low sex drive. If so, counciling and so on might help him to make an effort to compromise on a more consistent basis.
  21. A C from Albertario, Canada writes:
    A reader writes: He has tried natural remedies and even Viagra, but has never stuck with anything long enough to make a difference.

    Uhm, just how long does it take for Viagra to make a difference?
    10 minutes?

    You might want to stick it out a bit longer, no pun intended, and see if waiting just a few more minutes makes a difference.
    .
  22. RD Lone from Vancouver, Canada writes: Three options:
    1) He is gay.
    2) He has some sort of medical reason.
    3) She is not as 'attractive' as she thinks she is.
  23. Wandering Willy from Victoria, Canada writes: Simple......tell him you need to have sex more often then he wants to, and would he mind you taking on a lover. Tell him he can watch via webcam while you enjoy all the excitement a new partner brings and see what he says. Chances are he will either be gone from your life, OR he will be all over it and you. You win in both scenarios.
  24. The Wight from Canada writes: I'm there myself. In a 20 year sexual 'career', I find myself turning down sex - often - for the first time in my life. I've struggled to put my malaise into words, but ultimately it boils down to sheer boredom and frustration. To put it bluntly, I'm tired of the 'don'ts'. Not with the lights on/off. Not in the livingroom/bathroom/den, not in the car, while camping, or in the pool. Not anywhere where there is even a smidgen of a possibility of getting caught. Not while she feels 'dirty' which means virtually the entire day except for that magic window within 20 minutes of her having a shower, not while her favourite show/play/musical/book is on, not while the dog/cat/children might come in, not in this position or that position because her fat/cellulite/stretch marks/scars will show, not in these clothes, not while she feels fat (does she ever NOT feel fat?), not any of a dozen different activities/positions that she has never tried but knows she hates, nonetheless. The worst is when they treat semen like it is molten lava ... yeah, that's sexy. Every woman I've dated has had the list, some longer, some shorter, but after dozens of partners, I've given up looking for one without a list altogether. Every 'don't' is a hurdle and after 20 years of bravely putting up the fight and putting up with self-imposed barriers for the sake of amity, I'm finding myself too tired and worn out by the rest of my day to even begin to commit to battering down a bunch of ridiculous 'rules' just to get a piece.
  25. Jack Picknell from Burnaby, Canada writes: I'm surprised that men are not giving you their phone numbers here.
  26. Lee Turner from Canada writes: So.....is his tongue broken, then? Sex can be more than penetration.
  27. Kitty Burgers from Canada writes: 'The Wight' has had the best comment I've read in quite some time ...

    All you you have to do is read: 'In love, honesty's not always the best policy' in this same online edition of the G&M, and you will be much more wiser than before. Enough said.
  28. Mr. Justice from Canada writes: Words of wisdom from The Prophet, Henny Youngman: 'My wife and I were happy for over 20 years. Then, we met.'
  29. grover station from Hamilton, Canada writes: Perhaps he has lost his sexual appetite with you because he is masturbating instead. If so, this can be a sign that he is emotionally stuck. Maybe he doesn’t believe in himself or doesn’t believe he fits in with the world. If the two of you start doing charity work together it may help things in the bedroom.
  30. Paul Jones from kitchener, Canada writes: hahaha...ridicules arguement with a double-standard inherent in the discussion: when a man gets turned down for sex, its because he wants it too often, and we need to respect our partners wishes. When a man is the one turning down sex, there must be a problem, and the woman should: look elsewhere, get him to a doctor, find out if hes cheating or is gay, etc. etc. etc.
    OBVIOUSLY theres something wrong when a man doesnt want to have sex, but its perfectly ok when a woman doesnt want to have sex.
  31. harry carnie from Northern, B.C., Canada writes: HuH!.....................unless he has some wonderful qualities as far as companionship, and common interest, that makes him worth keeping..

    DUMP HIM ..while you are still attractive . Who knows possibly third time lucky?
  32. Ah Spicca Da Truth from Canada writes: Maybe she's just a miserable person and doesn't pitch his tent for him.
  33. poop lascoop from Albania writes: what great advice. Not.
  34. The Clapper Man Gonzo from Canada writes: The Wight from Canada -- I think you may have hit the nail on the head. The brain is the most important sex organ. She could try working on that. Sex should be fun, it should be playful, mysterious, exciting, etc. Maybe just going to bed and expecting to make love is a turn-off for hubby. Try it in the kitchen, in the garage, in the laundry room, in a sleazy motel. Make up some games. Pretend you're a spy and you've got to interogate your enemy. Play doctor. There's tons of things you can do if you put your mind to it -- just don't be conventional. Do the unexpected. Maybe go for a threesome -- a lot of guys have that fantasy!
  35. More or Less from Canada writes: Some men and women just have a low sex drive. If the doctor says he is otherwise healthy and things function normally when the sex happens, then maybe he is who he is. Either she accepts him for who he is or both find others who fit. Several years ago I went out with a guy who wasn't gay but also was quite happy to have sex maybe once every couple weeks. Maybe. The relationship didn't continue and the person I'm with now is perfect in that respect. Partners don't have to have identical interests or even like their steak cooked the same, but it's essential that interest in sex be pretty close to ensure a happy marriage. That's a difference that's difficult to overcome because it involves both parties.
  36. Rant N. Rave from Canada writes: My (ex) wife and I enjoyed a great sex life for years. Once, twice (three/four) times a day. After 14 yrs of marriage our marriage turned 'sex-less' and I was informed (by my ex) that only 'porno queens and hookers had sex more than once every two months'. (that's right ... 2 months!) Though she told all of her friends about our 'great sex life' I/we knew the truth. Though I advised her that if I wasn't getting at home, I would get it somewhere else ... she didn't believe that I would, hence saw no reason to compromise. She went insane (figuratively) when she discovered that I was involved with another woman (a woman that could never get enough of me) and ensured that everyone within our 'circle' was aware of my infidelity. Needless to say there is a stigma that is attached to infidelity, a stigma that takes years to recover from. Trust me on this one. With our divorce now eight years behind us I still struggle with the final outcome. I didn't (ever) want to end up in divorce court, I just wanted to feel that intoxicating passion that I so much craved. A sensation that I once enjoyed with my wife. But it seems that all good things really do come to an end. Fooling around with a mistress, or I guess in this case a 'mister-ess' , while maintaining those marriage vows to your husband, is a really bad idea. Cut the husband loose, adios amigo, ciao baby, ditch him ... 'cause , 'I see a bad moon arisin' ' and for the two of you, there is no happy ending. YOU should be your top priority now.
  37. harry carnie from Northern, B.C., Canada writes: More or less .. EXCELLENT point.
    If they split they would BOTH have a chance to find partners more compatible to their desires. Win/win for both.
  38. Joseph T from Victoria, Canada writes: I can help. Call me! ;)
  39. Frank N. Stein from Canada writes: The solution is simple - bring home a sexy lady-friend and unwind with some girl on girl action.
  40. harry carnie from Northern, B.C., Canada writes: Frank N. Stien............certainly the most enjoyable suggestion!!
  41. Frank N. Stein from Canada writes: Yup - all women should learn this method to keep their husbands inline.

    Very effective.
  42. B A from Ottawa, Canada writes: The Wight and Paul Jones seem to have the right idea. Men are taught from day one to feel guilty for our sexual instincts. Not only that they have a long list of preset conditions that need to be met before they can even hope to answer them with another human being. And, as Wight pointed out, these rules often seem made up on the spot or can change on a moment's notice. So, here some poor slob managed to find the offswitch, he's finally free of having that particular craving gnaw on his mind every waking minute of every day and he's supposed to feel guilty for it?! WTF? Don't cure him. The man should be giving seminars on how to shut it off. 'Cause let me tell you, if men had the option of taking it or leaving it there would be a whole lot more sef empowered guys out there and a whole lot more women who would need to look beyond their own self-centred whims. He's not interested in sex? Well, she better hope he finds HER a dynamic conversationalist with a good job, good personality, great sense of humour with similar interests who enjoys long walks on the ..etc.etc..etc....hmmmm....Sound familiar? Anyone? Doesn't need sex? Lucky b*stard if you ask me. You're free, man. Run.
  43. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Gee, Frank, what if she wants to bring home a guy and have him watch, is that okay, too?

    The comments on here are ludicrous, you know, all the ones dissing women yet again. Most especially from Wight. My friends and I, all in our mid forties, have partners who turn us down all the time. We always laugh about it together and say 'we thought it was supposed to be us who turned them down'. Not the case AT ALL. Sorry to burst your bubble guys but you turn us down all the time. Maybe you don't want to admit it here but you know it's true.

    As for suggesting an affair...she has stated she doesn't want to do that...

    Oh, and by the way, Wight, I've never heard of a 'list'...I've never had one and I gulp, too. Maybe you were attracted to the wrong women. Maybe you were all about 'looks' and nothing about substance. Maybe it's all your fault...see, as Mr. Justice says, turn it around and see how it fits...
  44. GM Blogger from Winnipeg, Canada writes: The Wight and I obviously knew the same woman. Seriously, I had a two page checklist to go through to have some intimacy. The not and don't show. Finally it got to the point that I said something about it - being concerned and what not that this lack of intimacy was the sign of the end. What I got was 'Sex isn't a paycheque, it's a very special meeting of two people who love each other.' Yeah, it isn't a paycheque, I get a paycheque more regularly. And the reason I'm expressing concern is I love you and one of the ways I express it is being rebutted. That comment was the end, I figured she honestly didn't care anymore after being so callous with my feelings.

    Then when we broke up, she claimed that I only went out with her for the sex (that I wasn't having)! I just stay away from the whole sex now, I work too hard all day long for headgames and manipulation when what I longed for was love, understanding and a dash of passion. And a lot of my friends are the same way - too many games in their youth to want to risk it again. My one buddy who is married only gets it 4x per year so I really fail to see the point to it all anymore.
  45. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: GM, may I introduce you to Brokeback...he's here quite a bit...
  46. Watcher of the skies from Montreal, Canada writes: Perhaps this guy needs to be turned on? People change over time.
  47. Kevin Desmoulin from TO, Canada writes: Doesn't not sound good, I mean you have certain requirements he should know this, and should want to make you happy.
    people have needs and this is a beginning of a crack, sorry to say
  48. I Brian from Canada writes: Obviously, since we don't know these two people, we are all just guessing.

    My guess is that the man is not telling her the real reason, whatever that is. So doctors and sex therapists will be of no use.

    If she really wants, she can probably talk him into telling her the reason. But the question is: Will she be able to take it? Or is it better if she does not know?
  49. harry carnie from Northern, B.C., Canada writes: Jennifer Rollison 'Gee... Frank what if she wants to bring a guy home and let him watch'.
    Well... that sounds like a waste of time for her ' just watching' WHAT ABOUT A FOUR WAY? That should turn SOMEONE on.
  50. The Wight from Canada writes: 'Doesn't need sex? Lucky b*stard if you ask me. You're free, man. Run.' I smell a screenplay or film based on this one liner. It had me howling. Paul Giamatti would play the lead and it would start with a monologue over top of a vastly speeded up version of his life from 13 when The Beast rears its ugly head for the first time to a point in his mid 40s when, for some inexplicable reason, it shuts off. The music in the background of the monologue would be atonal and irritating, but low level, and when he gets to the point of saying: 'One day, it just went away.', the musc stops, leaving blessed silence. Of course, he's scared, but he's also a bit giddy because it has dominated his every thought for 30 years. His wife thinks something must be wrong, he must be cheating, gay, medically unfit, etc. but from his perspective, things are finally - finally - right. He looks at his kids in a new light. He sees his wife without a testosterone lens for the first time ever and sees that while she is kind and caring, she's just not a whole lot of fun to be around. He moves out to a small bachelor pad and starts divorce proceedings. At work, he's more productive and finds that many of the women in the office that he could barely have a conversation with before because his sex drive got in the way, are actually really, really interesting people. He tries to tell this to his male co-workers, but they keep routing the conversation back to sex. He is now alienated, more or less, from their way of thinking. They notice the difference and while they initially mock him, they begin to see the ffect it has on him and get envious. Soon, the word has gone out and he's famous. News cameras come and a national talkshow and ...
  51. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: You know, Wight, I don't really care what a guy looks like but Giametti as the protagonist...can't we have someone like, hmmm, let's see, Vincent D'onofrio or someone less of a weasel than Giametti? I don't care if he's bald or chubby, just not him...oh, by the way, the plot almost sounds like 40 year old virgin, no?
  52. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Harry, you facetious dog, you...he's the one watching unless you are inviting Brokeback, too...hahaha...
  53. Justin C from Canada writes: Heres why guys turn down women for sex. We get bored fast. I don`t care how attractive a woman is, there is a guy out there who is bored of her. Thus getting turned down for sex has little to do with looks. Basically girls who keep a guys attention are the ones who display less inhabitions when it comes to sex. Me and my girlfriend have lived together for 6 years and the sex is better then the day we met and this is why...We talk about it and we keep things interesting. I won`t get into specifics, but we have fun with it and we fulfill eachothers fantasies. Thus the key to good sex is to never let it get routine. And girls, dont always make the guys 'read' your subtle signals. We wont get them and you will go unfulfilled. It is in male nature to want to mate with as many females as possible, thus the routine is against our nature. In order to keep a man interested ya gotta mix things up. This goes for us guys too, if we do the same old thing, our women wont be happy either. The bottom line is communication! Obviously there are situations where physical attraction plays a part, but those should be discovered early on and never result in marriage. I have lost interest in numerous girls for one reason or another, but the girl who keeps me coming back (pardon the pun) is the one who keeps me on my toes. So, have fun, love eachother and always (and I can`t stress it enough) COMMUNICATE! for gods sake people, its the 21st century, sex shouldn`t be so offside to talk about.
  54. J V M from Canada writes: Justin C, you have a good point, but there are some guys (and girls too, I'm sure) who just won't do this! I don't know if they're repressed, or what, but I lived with one for years! Fortunately the current one sounds more like you.
  55. The Wight from Canada writes: 'The comments on here are ludicrous, you know, all the ones dissing women yet again. Most especially from Wight.'

    Honestly, I can't hear you around the giant chip on your shoulder.

    I guess when I said that:

    'Every woman I've dated has had the list ...'

    I should have been more clear that I was referring to the women I've actually, uh, dated.

    Up until this very moment, I was quite sure that all I wanted for Christmas was a woman without a list and who gulped, but now I see that even they come with their own baggage.
  56. Harbinger from Out West from Prince George, Canada writes: If you don't, your neighbour will. Has she any neighbours?
  57. im mfad from whatever, Canada writes: Most of the comments range from unhelpful to nasty. Here's my try:
    1-Get the guy on an exercise program. Exercise has many benefits, including increasing vitality, reducing depression, reducing stress effects, increased self-esteem, and sometimes increasing libido.
    2-Try doing it in the morning. I know myself I often don't feel inclined after a tiring stressful day; but after a good night's sleep... Hint-some guys (most?) have spontaneous erections in the night. Perhaps a neglected woman could take advantage of that.
    3-Maybe he has a high-stress job? That plus hitting mid forties, stir in some performance anxiety and you've got -nothing happening. Like someone once said -for a woman to be thought of as good in bed all she has to do is spread her legs and moan. Not so easy for a man. He can't fake it or be the martyr. If he isn't in the mood, nothings going to happen. No point in taking off the clothes to prove the point (or lack thereof). So how to break the stress cycle? How about a long vacation to somewhere nice. Leave the cellphone and Blackberry behind. Maybe he doesn't need a shrink, he just needs a break.
  58. karl Rangnarsson from toronto, Canada writes: Stephen Harper and the Tories are to blame.
  59. George Hall from Canada writes: A chemistry or dynamic has to occur Often women who are so self centred they think of themselves aa good looking are in fact not. Beauty comes from within and is in the eyes of the beholder.
    Sex has to be than some mechanical process.
  60. emilio D from Vancouver, Canada writes: I think the guy should have 4 sessions of electro-convulsive therapy for low sex drive. Even his hair will stand up.
  61. Emma Hawthorne from Canada writes: Your family doctor should have the complete grocery list It's medical, emotional, adultery, orientation, etc. You have to go down the list. Good luck in resolving this dilemma.
  62. Josua Cord from Courtenay, Canada writes: The Wight is winning this debate. The only defense at being shut down frequently and eventually predictably is simply to tune out. It is probably a physiological function without any active control. Just happens. No even vindictive. The fellow in the case study should simply go out to get a paper and never return...
  63. Ed Anger from Canada writes: look ladies its about time you get the truth. Now you probably made your man beg for sex for 20 years and he is finally fed up of begging at 46. The ham sandwhich your offering isnt cutting it anymore. Its simply easier to watch TV than to bag a 46 year old 'yawn' cougar.
    Gone are the days that I am going to vacumn the house to get some action, not playing that game at 46.
  64. The Last Honest Conservative from Western, Canada writes:
    Ed has a dirty floor................ but a clean chaste mind..........
  65. Diane Schweik from EDMONTON, Canada writes: Emma Hawthorne

    Why should a family doctor have to deal with this ? I think most of them have too much on their plate as it is.As many have said he's probably found another woman,man or doesn't love/find her attractive any longer.

    As a long shot she could go to the dentist and check her oral hygiene !
  66. Ed Anger from Canada writes: yes road worthy ,quality ride but high maintenance . Not a daily driver anymore.
  67. Rollo Tomasi from Fokker, Belgium writes: At 26, I'd say, dump him, 36 too, but 46? Don't you both practically have one foot in the grave anyway?

    The bad news is that while you consider yourself attractive and declined a recent offer doesn't mean you'll get another offer anytime soon, if ever again.
  68. The Wight from Canada writes: 'It is probably a physiological function without any active control. Just happens. No even vindictive.'

    Usually, I end the relationship before it gets to this point, so this is the first time I've actually had to start turning down sex, but you are 100% correct. I don't hate my current girlfriend and, in fact, find quite a lot to love about her. It is just that I've looked back at the millions of hoops I've jumped through over the years, many of which I was openly eager to jump through at 20, and ahead at the still vast field of hoops I'm going to have to jump through in the future until the end of my sexual tenure ... and the whole mess looks too exhausting to even contemplate.

    I honestly have far better uses for my time, especially when I know that 90% of those hoops only result from woeful self-esteem, terrible body image and a completely ridiculous societal view of what a good women 'should' be. I don't even blame the women, to be honest. After all, we're only about 100 years removed from a time when the medical profession didn't even acknowledge women's physical desire to be possible.

    But, sunshine is on the horizon. In a fit of excellent comedic timing, the single most sexual woman I've ever encountered just called me out of the blue, saying that she misses our chats (we were roomies), loved the growing sexual tension we experienced while living together, and wants to see where it will lead with a free reign. Sometimes you just have to laugh at life.
  69. R S from Montclair, United States writes: It could be that he is mad at her (justifyably or not), and that he is dismantling the relationship. What else is not working in the relationship?

    Or it could be that she is not doing anything to make the love making special. Is she taking a bath before coming to bed?
  70. Mr. Justice from Canada writes: KR: . . . Harper and the Tories are NOT to blame.

    I blame '13 years of Liberal Rule'.
  71. Henry Allen from East Bank, Don River, Canada writes: Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you really like sex, marry someone who can't keep his hands off you. Chances are good that this pattern will continue. I'm 63 and I'm still grabbing my wife, even when we're washing dishes. The odd broken dish is worth it.
  72. lori hammond from windsor, Canada writes: Do you think maybe something happened to him when he was younger, abused maybe, and it's just surfacing now?
  73. Just Asking from Canada writes: This will probably sound like another 'mad' male comment -- so be it. My delightful partner of many years generally declines sex, though she's persistently affectionate. It always seems to be the wrong time of the month, that she's tired (not too tired to have the t.v. on till 1 a.m., though), or whatever.

    Am I supposed to treat that as a major problem? It seems to me that if a man said that it is, to say nothing of treating his partner's unwillingness as a psychosis that needed urgent counselling, he would be chided in all the women's magazines for lacking understanding and being sexed-crazed. Any suggestions that she's a closet lesbian (and that this is a bad thing), or that he should consider other partners, would be inconscionable.

    Yet when a man refuses sex to a wife -- what a problem! Cosmo publishes a special edition. Something has to be done! Blatant threats of infidelity, or taunts that 'he's gay' are just what he deserves.

    It's rather disappointing to be denied sex, but there really is more to our relationship (and it's good, thanks -- or am I gay?).

  74. Wilf Kruggel from Canada writes: Is it your husband that is the problem or is it you????? Things, sometimes, have a habit of working funny ways and trends, Wilf
  75. Joe Calgarian from Calgary, Canada writes: Gee, strange that after you get married this sort of thing seems to happen. Methinks it's because WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE MONOGAMOUS! Frankly the real solution to this is having several partners. You can be married, still love the other person, and yes, fool around with other people, as long as all parties concerned know about it and approve. My wife and I went to a swing club in Vegas last year - our sex life has neve been better ;)
  76. A Chinaman from Canada writes: Assuming that he is NOT gay and he does not have an affair with other women, there may be two other possibilities:
    1) his testosterone is exceptionally low. Ask for a test. It may be a sign of illness.
    2) you may have something that really turn him off. He does not want to tell because it may offend you. Ask him to talk to a sex therapist to see if there is anything that turn him off.

    Does he have an erection in the morning? Usually a normal man should have a sort of erection in the morning. Rent a dirty movie to see if he gets exicted. If there is no reaction, you can assume his testosterone is very low.
  77. Just Another Guy from Canada writes: Just Asking, your post @ 9:18 is on the mark. I have a similar situation with my spouse of 30 years. She is affectionate enough, just not that into sex. We still manage well enough.

    If there's two of us, there is probably more. So I guess we aren't as unique as people would have us believe. Who'd have thought.
  78. Kevin Desmoulin from TO, Canada writes: A lot of lewd and rude comments, not much help at all I think.
  79. Grey Rabbit from Canada writes: Ed Anger from Canada writes: yes road worthy ,quality ride but high maintenance . Not a daily driver anymore.

    Yes ED shes built for comfort ain't built for speed
  80. Steve Not an Alberta Redneck from Calgary, Canada writes: Henry Allen from East Bank, Don River, Canada writes: 'Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you really like sex, marry someone who can't keep his hands off you. Chances are good that this pattern will continue. I'm 63 and I'm still grabbing my wife, even when we're washing dishes. The odd broken dish is worth it.'

    You're lucky this worked for you but the reality is that most guys initially get just enough 'bait on the hook' to be landed and then its into the frying pan, thereafter.
  81. Billy Bob from Bluder Bay, Canada writes: Maybe this guy just finds this chic ugly. She kind of sounds ugly. Its sounds to me, in my professional opinion that he probalby caught a bad case of "Coyote Arm" many years ago and couldn't bring it upon himself the night after he met her, to chew his arm off in order to escape without waking her up....and now look what he is stuck with....A chic complaining to G&M about Mr. Limpy.

    It is not sounding good for this guy....I really feel we need to help him.
  82. John Dyck from Canada writes: I find myself in a similar situation. I never get what I need and am losing interest. I fell like leaving and hope to have better luck next time. It's so hard.......
  83. Billy Bob from Bluder Bay, Canada writes: John Dyck from Canada writes: I find myself in a similar situation. I never get what I need and am losing interest. I fell like leaving and hope to have better luck next time. It's so hard.......

    I am sure it is very hard right now, but have you told your partner?, does you partner know how hard it has been for you? Building a relationship is a lot like building a house, you can't build it without your hammer in hand.

    Sounds to me like you are just going to have to pull out your hammer and see what happens. Then and only then will you partner know that you are serious about restoring your relationship.
  84. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: It's funny, the woman in this scenario is asking for help to stay with a man she loves and the comments are ally mysogynistic tripe about how awful women are. No wonder you guys aren't getting any. You all sound like a-holes to me.
  85. Frank Tom from Toronto, Canada writes: I bet they don't have kids. Got three here, no time to even talk about sex.
  86. Delmar St Pol from Forest Fields, Canada writes: All of these situations are so tediously the same. Or the appropriate advice at least is: find an appropriate medical or emotional health professional. Next.
  87. Trish Taylor from Canada writes: Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: It's funny, the woman in this scenario is asking for help to stay with a man she loves and the comments are ally mysogynistic tripe about how awful women are. No wonder you guys aren't getting any. You all sound like a-holes to me
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Well good for you that you gulp and all but that doesn't mean that every woman does. I found Wight's comments honest and interesting and I found your response to his post very insular and myopic. You and your girlfriend may be sex goddesses in your own mind and perhaps in reality but that doesn't mean all women are like that. It actually didn't surprise me reading Wight's comments and I didn't take it as misogynistic. The only thing I wondered was how he ended up with a whole string of women exactly the same. I've heard plenty of intimate details from people who are frustrated. People who outwardly appear to have great relationships..only you find out that things are incredibly lacking in the bedroom for one or the other....or both. The one guy I know has a very healthy sexual appetite, simply not for his extremely beautiful wife. There is too much hurtful baggage there and it's deadened his sexual interest in her. The one woman I know who has a healthy sexual appetite is turned off by the man her husband has become. I think these guys are being honest. And perhaps some women should listen. If the article was about a man who wasn't getting any...I'm sure the very honest comments from women who would post to say why THEIR man wasn't getting any would also be helpful. There needs to be a word that's the opposite of misogynistic. I think it would apply to you in this instance and I think YOU are the one being an a-hole here.
  88. Delmar St Pol from Forest Fields, Canada writes: Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Gee, Frank, what if she wants to bring home a guy and have him watch, is that okay, too?

    The comments on here are ludicrous, you know, all the ones dissing women yet again. Most especially from Wight. My friends and I, all in our mid forties, have partners who turn us down all the time. We always laugh about it together and say 'we thought it was supposed to be us who turned them down'.

    ===================

    That last line really proved the point Wight was making. Too many women operate on some kind of formalized calculation of what is 'supposed to be' in regard to sex.

    Drop the script, ladies -- rehearsal is over.

  89. Jen Dobson from Canada writes: I think the comments are that women hating, the guys are just expressing their disdain at some of our fellows.

    I actually wanted to lend a bit of support to the The Wight's posts, becuase it's true that alot of women do have these big lists! In fact you made me realize I have one too, though much much smaller then that! (I'm usually up for it).

    I never really thought about it before but what The Wight said makes an awful lot of sense. Some guys are running around, practically as slaves to their spouses (i see it all the time, it's so sad), working so hard just to get some. After a number of years of this of course the guy is going to give up and stop caring. I don't know if that's the case here, but it is something for those controlling women out there to think about.
  90. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: So, ask the guys what they are doing wrong. Stop dissing the women Trish and Jen. Ask your girlfriends why they don't want to have sex with you. Read the comments. If my man were to say something like most of the above I would be livid.

    As for the sex goddesses crap, Trish, we are all normal, middle aged women who like to have sex. We have men who do not like to 'do' it as often as we do. I see no mention in my post of being an 'uber' sex symbol.

    And, Delmar, we are laughing at the suggestion we don't want it as often as our men. I even laugh about it with my man, surprise, surprise, we both have a sense of humour. It doesn't alter the fact he's a twice a week guy and I am an every day girl, does it?
  91. im mfad from whatever, Canada writes: If anybody is interested, Someone has just written a book about this very topic. It is reviewed in the latest Macleans magazine. A couple of doctors interviewed 4000 couples (I think it was) and found out that husbands giving up on sex was surprisingly common, for various reasons including obesity, hoop- fatigue, internet porn addiction, and suppressed anger at the wife.
  92. Trish Taylor from Canada writes: Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: So, ask the guys what they are doing wrong. Stop dissing the women Trish and Jen. Ask your girlfriends why they don't want to have sex with you. Read the comments. If my man were to say something like most of the above I would be livid.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You've got to be kidding me. I'm dissing women because I think The Wight's comments are credible for his OWN situation? I didn't say his comment applied to ALL women. Nor do YOURS apply to all women OR all men. He's relating his own situation and, just maybe, it might apply to her. There isn't enough information to know, is there. For you to say this NEVER applies to any woman is just simply, again, myopic. I also happen to have an extremely healthy uninhibited sexual appetite but I know from experience that that isn't the case with all women. Nor...with all men. I had a very frustrating sexual relationship with my last boyfriend. We just weren't a good match. It wasn't necessarily him OR me. We just weren't a good match that way. I have no idea what it's like for him since we split years ago. All I know is that things have been MUCH better for me since. All I have to do is open the door to my current interest and things ignite. Delightful. Sometimes it's more about the chemistry between two people. Sometimes a woman has a list. Sometimes a man looks at sex as a rutting and nothing more. Step outside the box a little, Jenn. It isn't always about you.
  93. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: Trish, I never said it was about me at all and I never said it doesn't apply to any women. Wight, himself, talks for all men, take a look. I'm just tired of the mysogynistic comments typical on this thread and you and Jen add to that. Hmmm, just a thought, are you Wight's girlfriend?
  94. Interested Observer #1 from Canada writes: Jennifer that last post toasted you. You're a good troll...
  95. elizabeth blake from Portage, Canada writes: Ask yourself not he can do for me but what I can do for my marraige. Are you still appealing physically to your husband? He is not a young man anymore,can you make effective efforts to arouse him. Are you feeling any physiological changes related to your age?As women age the vagina changes dramatically,it becomes a much less enjoyable place for a man to put his penis.What was once supple is not longer,what was once warm is no longer and what was once moist is no longer, not to mention the loss of muscle control that comes with age. Many men do not enjoy the sensation of artifical lubricants. The pure physical pleasure diminishes dramatically for some men due to these female, hormone driven changes. Women in some European countries enjoy more frequent sex than Canadian women in their 50's and 60's. When I tried to rejuvenate my sex life with my husband I read about the great differences sexually between Canadian and French women. It is primarily attitude. The attitude of course is a learned, maybe even cultural thing.The French women puts more time into her physical appearance,more time into arousing her mate and views each sexual encounter as a seduction not an earned right.Men at this age need to be aroused and the effort has to be not only legitimate but well done.Try your best.Ask him what will arouse him,especially his libido,don't go straight for the penis. Two other poi