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Group Therapy is a relationship-based advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: My boyfriend of two years has been separated from his wife of 34 years for almost four years, but keeps in touch with her every day. He talks with female friends he met online and visits them when he travels. I would like him to cut these ties, but he has a temper and wants his way most of the time. I have two teenaged children, am divorced and had not dated for almost 12 years before I met him.
I am terribly hurt and want to get away from him, but he makes me feel guilty and says that he has wasted his time on me. Still, I miss him for the good times we spent together, since I really loved him. He keeps calling me and is ready to leave everything for me. Somehow I feel I can't trust him. Please advise.
Think of your kids
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He's abusive. Period. He plays fast and loose with your heart, keeps you off balance, and when you declare you've had enough he somehow manages to reel you back in by offering poison for bait. Your children, with their own burgeoning interest in matters relational and sexual, have received two clear messages: This is how women should be treated, and this is the sort of guy they deserve for a stepfather. Get rid of him, for your kids' sake if not for your own. If you're afraid of him, get in touch with a women's shelter or agency. Then get to work on identifying and building on everything that's great about you.
- Allison Johnson, Calgary
Trust your gut
Follow your instincts and get away from him as fast as you can. He's showing all the signs of being a classic abuser in your relationship. He makes denigrating comments toward you, makes you feel guilty about the time he has spent on you, has a temper, and wants to keep all of his female relationships regardless of how you, his girlfriend, feel. And like any abuser, he can put on the charm when he senses his victim wants out. There's no respect for you and your reasonable demands. You can do better, and while your conscious mind might not realize it, your gut realizes it loud and clear.
- Adrian Howell, Toronto
He hasn't kept secrets
If you really see something in this relationship that is worth trying to recover, tell your guy to get his life in order (for his own sake, not yours) and to get back in touch with you when he has more of himself to offer. I wonder, though, whether trust is really your issue here: You know about the other women in his life; it doesn't appear that he has kept secrets from you. Take a hard look at the kind of man he is. Someone who has a temper and wants his way most of the time doesn't sound like a very appealing partner.
- Karen Wood, Oakville, Ont.
The Final Word
Dear At Sea,
I feel as though I am sprinting the shoreline and screaming "Shark!" while you battle the waves.
We are so often the last to see our own imminent danger. Anyone can spot the bear, the loose scaffolding, the black ice before we do. Anyone can shout, "Timber," "Look out" and "Run" before we know why. It is time to be as vigilant about our own safety as we are about others'; it is time to take care.
Let me state that I am a believer in the apocalyptic beginning. The difficult romance so often becomes the good romance. People come together with patched histories, broad dreams and vulnerabilities. Given these potent ingredients, the first years of navigating a shared life can be an ongoing tug-of-war.
My observation is that after an initial period of duelling, uncertainty and debate, a couple can arrive at something calm and rebuilt. This is the equivalent to being exultant tourists walking the grounds of a dormant volcano: We know that a molten core lies beneath the pocked craters, but the chances of eruption are rare - and probably not to be experienced in this lifetime.
Unlike Take a Hard Look Wood, I do not see even a glimmer of possibility for transformation here. A veritable Mount Vesuvius meets Pompeii, it is not worth putting him on hold. Your letter is full of flags - as Follow Your Instincts Howell lists: "has a temper," "wants his way," "makes you feel guilty" and most telling, "I want to get away from him."
While you may feel some desperation for companionship after a 12-year drought, the "good times" cannot outweigh these warning signs. Without trust and without safety, love is like slow dancing with a hungry lion.
Echoing Clear Messages Johnson, you have two other very real commitments to consider: your teenaged children. The choices you make are a form of instruction to them. As she suggests, enlist the services of a shelter or an agency. With their support, cut off your contact completely with the shark, and in so doing, show your children that you can be your own lifeguard after all.
Share your advice, or ask for someone else's
Click here to read next week's question and contribute your widsom - or to submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)
Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver,
The Gwendolyn Poems and
Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, will be published by Coach House Books in the spring. Visit her website at ClaudiaDey.com
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