Feeling lovelorn? Dealing with a tricky relationship problem? Not sure what to do next?
Ms. Dey's column, Group Therapy, appears in Globe Life every Thursday. She's offered her words of unbiased wisdom on everything from a man who finds himself falling for a woman 20 years his junior, to a woman whose boyfriend won't stop talking to his ex, to a wife whose husband has no interest in sex.
Your questions and Ms. Dey's answers will appear at the bottom of this page.
When she was born, Ms. Dey was declared a soothsayer and a bartendress of the soul. Much of her childhood was spent keeping other people's secrets and when in need, building them life rafts out of advice. Older now, she aspires to be a northern Ann Landers — sans pearls, avec cigar.
Claudia Dey
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Ms. Dey writes plays in her spare time. Her works, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems, and Trout Stanley, have been anthologized, translated into French and German, staged across Canada, and once in the former Communist headquarters of New York City. They have been nominated for the Governor General's Award, the Trillium Award and the Dora Award for Outstanding New Play.
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VE, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Over the past few months, I have found myself falling for one of my female friends (I am bisexual...but she doesn't know this). Although she has never told me her sexual preference, it seems to me that the attraction is mutual. She is constantly telling me that she just wants to be with me or that she has been thinking about me lately. I know that she idolizes me and always expresses overblown praise for everything I do. We have held hands and hugged on occasion. It all seems like rainbows and butterflies, doesn't it? But here is the issue: she just got out of a relationship with a man and I know she was quite upset about the break-up. How can I gauge whether she wants to restyle our friendship into a romance? I don't want to destroy our friendship over a misunderstanding.
Claudia Dey: Dear VE, There is often a sensuous charge to the female friendship. It is its own peculiar creature - most usually composed of secrets and mischief and as you so confidently mentioned, idolatry. We teach each other how to live. We become each other's example of courage and invention on every possible scale - from the deft handling of a break-up to the strut in a new pair of snakeskin heels.
Whether a friendship lends itself to something more, whomever its inhabitants, is always difficult to gauge. Was that flirting? A pass? An encoded confession of everlasting love? The majority of our waking hours is spent in the stranglehold of translating signs. A wink or an eyelash in her eye? A hug between friends or an embrace between undeclared lovers?
You, VE, must be patient here. Your friend is in the most tender and transitional state - that of the recently single. This is the equivalent to being a traveller. In this new country of the uncommitted, your friend can be daring. Your friend can be anything.
Continue to luxuriate in this affectionate and lovely stage of your friendship, while giving her the space she needs to do her 'travelling.' Consider telling her that you are bisexual. In the permissive and magical landscape of the female friendship, there is always space for this kind of admission - and provocation.
gb girl: I've lost both parents over the past three years to cancer, and i've assumed a fair bit of responsibility as the eldest child. i'm in my early 30s and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. he is eager to take our relationship to the next level (i.e, marriage, etc) but i am having difficulties committing. i still feel like i am grieving and that i need to get to a 'better' place before i can make such a decision. Throughout my losses he has been patient but there are times when he doesn't understand what i'm going through. it's been difficult to articulate how i feel. still, i feel intense sadness that my parents are not here to experience milestones in my life like marriage, children, etc.; and also, i feel resistant to putting myself in a situation where i may experience a similar level of hurt and loss. simply, i feel stuck...perhaps in the past. as a result, a great deal of stress has been put on our relationship. any advice how to move on? i've done grief support groups and counseling, but i feel like i'm a case that just needs more time...perhaps more than boyfriend is willing to wait.
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