Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: During a summer internship I started a relationship with the office secretary, who is in a relationship going on two years. We have perfect chemistry and a magnetic connection. When I returned to school, we continued a long-distance relationship. Her boyfriend has said he loves her. She doesn't love him, but hasn't told him. She faces pressure to settle down, but has told me she would not marry him. While she says she would rather be with me, family pressures and his feelings stop her from ending the relationship. I don't like being the "other" man, but I can't let this connection go. What should I do?
Encourage honesty
You have stepped into a quagmire of dishonesty. You are attracted to a woman who is being dishonest to her boyfriend, his family and herself. Her true feelings about you are mired in the confusion around her feelings about her current partner and living up to preconceived cultural or societal norms. Until she frees herself from these constraints and takes a hard look at what she wants out of a relationship, you don't stand a chance. Support her in being honest, speaking up and ending the relationship with a man she doesn't love. Then see what course your relationship will take.
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- J. K. Abelsohn, Guelph, Ont.
A natural ending
Twice I have been the one cheated on, even though I learned early in both relationships that the man was capable of cheating. I forgave and in one case even married the creep. I have learned that lesson. The intern is aware the office secretary is cheating on her boyfriend and is unable to end that relationship. Why would the intern think she would change? He is lucky to have learned this about her now. Being away at school gives a natural ending to the relationship. He should value the intense feelings and take what he has learned into a new relationship with someone who has more commitment and honesty.
- Wendy Middleton,
Barrie, Ont.
Double-dipping
Why hasn't she told her boyfriend to buzz off? Sorry for being harsh, my friend; it's because she isn't sure about you and is reasonably comfortable with him after two years. What she told you about not loving him doesn't have to be her true feelings. You are getting into a tangle that may cause you all a lot of heartache - you more than them, because you seem to be a sensitive sort. Use the distance to create an emotional distance between yourselves and consider the summer affair a pleasant interlude and a learning experience.
- Sudhir Jain, Calgary
The Final Word
Dear Intern,
Let's examine your title. From the Canadian Oxford Dictionary: "in{bull}tern noun a person in any profession gaining practical experience under supervision. verb, transitive confine; oblige (a prisoner, alien, etc.) to reside within prescribed limits." Sound familiar?
There is nothing quite like "perfect chemistry" and a "magnetic connection" to ruin the otherwise tidy courses of our lives. It is time to reroute, Intern. Your current trajectory is doomed.
The sad truth is, as it stands now, nothing lasting can come out of your present situation. The curse of the secret relationship is that it remains so - a hidden understudy in the darkened wings. However magnificent and lustful it may be, a dishonest tryst is often punished. For instance, if your paramour decides to leave her boyfriend for you, he might linger in your relationship like a hungry spectre. Cheating can make Greek myths out of our lives. It can leave us haunted, shunned and alone.
To avoid tragic ends and to truly honour the "connection" you describe and do not wish to forfeit, it is time to test its mettle. With a sure posture and a spare tone (i.e. Clint Eastwood), tell her that your situation is no longer tenable and you are giving her the space to unravel the riddle of her own life - whether it leads her back to you or not.
As Heartaches Jain prescribes, she must be marooned with her decisions; only then will she feel their weight in her hands. Your presence is allowing her to waver. Instead of being the succour for her hesitation, leave her alone to box with it. Will she "settle down" with a man she does not love, caving in to pressure, self-imposed and otherwise? Or, as Quagmire Abelsohn portends, will she heed her hesitation and, like you, reroute?
While I disagree with Married the Creep Middleton's implication of once a cheater, always a cheater, she does encourage you to bundle up your "intense feelings" and lavish them on someone more deserving. I echo this sentiment. I imagine you to be a most devoted intern. As such, I would encourage you never to compromise your capacity for love in the pursuit of "practical experience."
Share your advice, or ask for someone else's
Click here to read next week's question and contribute your widsom - or to submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)
Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems
and Trout Stanley, have
been staged across Canada.
Her first novel, Stunt, is being published by Coach House Books this month. Her website is
ClaudiaDey.com.
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