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I don't like being the 'other' man

CLAUDIA DEY

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 3:03 PM EST 03/04/08

But I can't let this connection go. What should I do? ...Read the full article

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  1. Karen S from Canada writes: I'm sure he'll discover this in time, but the energy required to sustain such romantic drama will never pay off in a happy, fulfilling relationship with the woman. In time, he'll discover that he was probably the girl's backup plan so she wouldn't have to be single instead of any kind of one, true love. 'Perfect chemistry' and 'magnetic connections' are the stuff of surging hormones and fairy tales.
  2. Nature Lover from Two Hills, Canada writes: Why don't you propose to marry her and beat the other guy to the punch? Maybe that is what she is holding out for anyway. Of course you might have to change your life around a bit to accommodate 'Perfect chemistry' and 'magnetic connections'.
  3. Doug Dewan from Calgary, Canada writes: Well, if she's gunna fool around with you and lie to her boy friend, I suspect the relationship with you will have an equall lack of respect and communication and one day you'll find out she's cheating on you with someone else. Find someone with integrity.
  4. RD Lone from Vancouver, Canada writes: You are getting played. You sound like a younger guy; totally mind boggling why you would waste two years of your prime being #2. Just tell her that if she can have a boyfriend on the side than you are free to date other women as well. Use her as a backup (like she is doing to you) until you find someone better, then get rid of her.
  5. Ghetto Dude from Istanbul, Turkey writes: Being the other man is the most cost effective solution. Triangles are indispensible forms of happiness. Keep on boy.
  6. Bill Smith from The wilds of the GTA, Canada writes: Ok some sage advice, cut your losses and focus on your career. Yes the receptionist maybe very attractive and there are sparks flying, BUT you are at best the plan B. She as per your letter, though not in love with her boyfriend and shows no wanting to either marry or leave him. That alone is a deal breaker, the woman is not available even if she is fooling around with you on the side and I think she has some things to sort out.

    Secondly you are an intern which means you are at the bottom of the food chain and looking for practical experience, get your career established and then maybe fish from the company dock later on.

    As I started this post, cut it off and behave in a more professional manner especially if you want to stay with this firm you are interning with.
  7. Just Me from Canada writes: The writer wrote 'She doesn't love him, but hasn't told him. She faces pressure to settle down, but has told me she would not marry him. While she says she would rather be with me, family pressures and his feelings stop her from ending the relationship'.... sorry but, IMO, this sounds as emotional extortion... she is hoping for your proposal
    'We have perfect chemistry and a magnetic connection': so the perfect chemistry, etc is a menage a trois realtionship ?

    I don't get the point
  8. Richard Picard from Chelsea, QC, Canada writes: Enjoy it for what it is and move on. She sounds like an attention whore and who needs that? In the immortal words of Marilyn Manson: '...I'm not in love, but I'm gonna f*ck you, 'til someone better comes along...'
  9. Sean L. from Toronto Center, Canada writes: She is already demonstrated her lack the ethics and maturity needed to be honest and maintian a monogamous relationship.

    But hey Intern, chart that course to divorce and heartache.

    Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.
  10. Sean L. from Toronto Center, Canada writes: Oh and one other point mr intern.

    Karma.

    What comes around goes around. Wait till you are in the position of the unsuspecting 2yr boyfriend.

    Wham. When you get broadsided by her come back here so we can have a well deserved laugh at your expence.
  11. The Wight from Canada writes: The only truly reliable predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Her past behaviour? Cheating on her boyfriend.

    So sure you want to rush to be that boyfriend?

    I was in this situation once and pulled the high road - nothing physical until you've ended your previous relationship - and just walked away. 6 months later, she had done exactly that, lived on her own, and approached me to actually get things going.

    If it's really there, she'll do the right thing. If she doesn't ... it never was.
  12. Mark H from Indy, United States writes: 'Support her in being honest, speaking up and ending the relationship with a man she doesn't love. Then see what course your relationship will take.'

    Yeah, because if she's willing to lie to this other guy for a year, she must be totally trustworthy. Cheaters are cheaters, my friend. There are plenty of fish in the sea - go out and find somebody else, who's single. Plus, you're a jerk for going after a woman you know is attached. You also sound like a doormat. Bottom line, dump her, and quitting hitting on other people's girlfriends! Otherwise you'll end up with a broken nose one of these days.
  13. Sean L. from Toronto Center, Canada writes: 'D K from Canada writes: Oh my, Claudia Dey, what a pretentious fake.'

    Hey D K, no need to slam Claudia for her verbose prosaic response - maybe she's paid by the word; plus it's not like the intent of her answer was poorly thought. Besides she's cute, and isn't that usual the criteria for handing out a free pass;)
  14. Jason Templeton from Victoria, Canada writes: Excuse me Intern. I presume you are back at university where young, completely single, unencumbered-by-2-year-boyfriends women now outnumber young men, and you are NOT taking advantage of the wonderful opportunities without any 'baggage' in every classroom, hallway, pub and drunken mixer? And I don't mean one-nighters, but that too is up to you. Leave the chemistry and magnetism in the Science Building. Plenty more fish in the sea is a tired old saw, but it works here. Move on and act now or regret it for the rest of your life. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????
  15. Hydrogen Bob from Toronto, Canada writes: Intern, consider yourself lucky to have learned a thing or two from Miss Wrong. Now move on. True love is actually uncomplicated. Two people can share a passionate connection that is not entagled with lies, deceit and third parties. Relationships like yours can continue for years before they eventually fail. Treat your self with some respect, and cut all ties to the receptionist at once.
  16. shoshana berman from Canada writes: She is a liar. Never trust liars. Find someone else.
  17. CD W from Canada writes: See Above, you are lucky not to have found this out without paying child and spousal support and kissing half your assets good bye. Suck it up buttercup and run away fast.
  18. guy tozer from Saskatoon, Canada writes: Once a pig......always a pig. Male or female !
  19. C J from Canada writes: why do people get into these situations?
  20. Eric the Red from Uzbekistan writes: Ha ha. The sense of self-entitlement is so ridiculous. Intern you're a tool. How you manage to complain about a situation that's already doomed to begin with.

    "A reader writes: During a summer internship I started a relationship with the office secretary, who is in a relationship going on two years."

    And you don't like being the other man. Yet you walked in on this relationship. Don't like your situation? Do what common sense dictates: LEAVE IT.

    You want cream in your coffee as well? Make it yourself.
  21. Emma Hawthorne from Canada writes: It's not really enough to be someone's luke-warm second choice of two men she isn't really into. Even a first-place spot in that race is not worth the trip. Real love is magical, fulfilling, actualizing and makes you feel good as opposed to feeling tortured, demeaned, rejected. Perhaps you hang on to find out what is so wrong with you that you have such a low status in this barely existent relationship. You would never be treated that way if you flatly refused to be in such a relationship. Perhaps you haven't really put yourself out there because in your heart of hearts you know you are just trying this on or you are too young. Your only flaw here is that you do not demand more from life by insisting on a partner who is crazy in love with you. Why not go for that? If you can't find love, there will always be someone who is lukewarm and waiting to see who comes along, whom you can wait with.

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