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Damage Control

Do I stay put to avoid risking custody of my kid?

DAVID EDDIE

From Friday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 7:58 AM EDT 12/04/08

My lawyer says not to leave until we have a separation agreement. But I'm at my wits' end ...Read the full article

This conversation is closed

  1. Snoop Doggie from Burlington, Canada writes: Kick her and the boyfriend out of the house.
  2. M L from Canada writes: Clearly your wife is trying to antagonize you. She is also trying to get you to look like the 'bad guy' if you freak out in front of your child. Wow... utterly classless. You should keep a diary... write EVERYTHING down... dates, times, situation. Hand a copy over to your lawyer. Judges like a paper trail- or proof- of the situation. Hand it to them on a silver platter. I feel totally hopeless for this person. His wife is garbage. I hope this person and the child do get the happy ending. But there is no way in hell that the wife should get away with her behaviour. Doesn't she realize that her actions are hurting her daughter? Most level-headed people who move on will slowly introduce their significant other to the children after a long period of time to allow the child(ren) to adapt. The wife is not only throwing her boyfriend in her husband's face and home... she's doing this to her daughter. Can't he call the police to have him removed? What do the lawyers say about this?
  3. Jennifer R from Ottawa, Canada writes: How about getting the tiny spy cameras as well in case it beomes a he said she said or if the courts won't accept journals. Video is sometimes more powerful, even if the judge won't accept it as evidence they may still want to see it.
  4. M L from Canada writes: Jennifer R from Ottawa, Canada writes: How about getting the tiny spy cameras as well in case it beomes a he said she said or if the courts won't accept journals. Video is sometimes more powerful, even if the judge won't accept it as evidence they may still want to see it. -------------------------------- Absolutely!! Good call. Of course our wonderful court system may state that she was set up... It seems that this man is being set up to blow up. Why does this woman feel free to subject her daughter to this nightmare?!I suspect her 'boyfriend' doesn't give a damn about her daughter and is enjoying the game. Gawd... what the hell is wrong with those two? I hope that the husband can shield his daughter as best as he can and make a new home for themselves. Don't allow the daughter to stay in the house when the boyfriend is over. Go out to the movies, dinner, the park, a friend's house!! Anything and anywhere except what is now considered hell for this man and his daughter. If the wife is that committed to her new relationship, she should be more than happy to have alone time with her friend. And happy that someone is paying attention to her daughter and taking care of her feelings and best interests. Here's hoping this man meets a wonderful, caring person who respects him (and herself!). Best wishes to him and his daughter.
  5. Placido Durango from Here to Eternity, Canada writes: The guy should consider bringing a court action to have the mother removed from the home if her behaviour could be seen as a risk for the daughter.

    The cameras are probably a good idea, too. In case the PB decides to try the false-accusation-of-abuse tactic so many female barracuda lawyers enable their clients to try.

    Once the cameras are in place, if he could get the PB or the scumbag boyfriend to actually assault him it would be a useful advantage to have.

  6. ezvanetree ezvanetree from Interior BC, Canada writes: This is a pathetic tale of a mess made of three people's lives. After a mere three years of marriage and, naturally, a child born only one year after the train wreck of a wedding, this lovely, mature, couple are at such odds with each other that a fourth person (no doubt this boyfriend is a further example of mature and responsible adulthood) has been introduced to a three year old's life. My heart shutters to think that the letter writer and his ex-wife, the woman he loved desperately only three years ago, are responsible for bringing up the resulting fruit of this coupling. The child's life will be further enhanced by the certainty that both these characters will produce a series of children by various people they can't be bothered to get to know before reproducing.
  7. Jennifer R from Ottawa, Canada writes: I actually suggested this to a friend (woman) going through pretty much the same thing as this guy only it was the new girlfriend being flaunted b/c hubby refused to leave & was trying to push her out. Once she threatened him it he stopped bringing over the floozy. He even started being nicer to her & offering to get the divorce done faster.
  8. Dan Shortt from Toronto, Canada writes: The next time the boyfriend shows up, remind him that you haven't invited him into your home, and ask him to leave. If he doesn't leave when asked, call the police and report there is a trespasser in the house.
  9. j d from Trail, Canada writes: Do not touch either person, do not have any conversations that are not taped with an audio or video player (very easy to buy and use). And absolutely stay put until custody is resolved. Two useful sayings here are 'War is hell' and 'Cowboy up'. Take the high road and you shouldn't regret it. I lived with my ex for 6 months, WHILE she was trying to get FULL custody of our children. Not a fun time. I went to work, read a lot of books, watched a lot of movies, AND stayed with my kids. I now have equal custody and access.
  10. In a Fog from Toronto, Canada writes: Listen to the advice. Ride it out. Why would you care who is sleeping with you soon to be ex? Since you know they long-term result you should be pitying him, not getting angry.
    I have a friend who just went through the most heinous two year torture period. She ran around maligning him and making everyone's life miserable.
    He's now divorced, enjoying life, the kids are angry with their mother (not him) and everyone they knew refuses to speak to her.
    In divorce, nice guys don't come in last.
  11. Bored Worker from Woodstock, Canada writes: This just reinforces the notion that stupid people shouldn't breed. WTF is the mother thinking? Parenthood is a slefless life..and this woman is being selfish when her daughter needs her the most.
  12. Bob Smitherman from Canada writes: The best defence is a good offence.

    Befriend the wife's boyfriend. Have a few beers with him. Tell him about the wife's bad habits. Become best friends with the boyfriend!

    That should get her going!
  13. J J from Kelowna, Canada writes: Ouch. I was in a marriage for 13 years, with two kids. Took a job out west. Wife and kids were to join me later after I sorted out the details, and if not, I would move back. Was afraid wife might decide to end marriage after I left. However, I decided to trust her words. It took her only about two months to get around to telling me that she wanted the marriage over. Spent $1000 on legal fees and doubled the usual airfare cost (late booking) to see my kids for a week at March break. Now ex won't agree to a summer visitation schedule, so same thing happening again.

    Consolation prize. I chose to trust. I was honest through it all, to the point of expressing my fears about the custody impacts should she choose divorce, and wanting ex and I together to talk to a mediator, to get the details about what could happen. To this she refused, saying that she didn't want a divorce. So, it is painful to be away from my kids. I hope that my kids will some day what to hear things from my side. For now, I do what I can to reach out to them, and do what I can to work through this negotiation without getting into a hateful battle for vengeance.

    So, if you can, stick it out. If you can't, you may loose now. However, keep your kid as the focus, and do everything with integrity.
  14. Child of the North in Canada from Canada writes: The hidden video camera is a great idea plus I would try to arrange situations where mutual friends come over when her new boyfriend is there (you have witnesses so that she can't deny she had her new live-in under the roof). I would spend a lot of time out with the daughter when the new boyfriend is around and set up my bedroom with a great television/dvd system and computer with hook-up to the internet and spend a lot of time in my room.
  15. Jim Mohagan from toronto, Canada writes: M L from Canada writes:
    '... It seems that this man is being set up to blow up.'

    Exactly.

    It is completely irresponsible to tell him to stay put in such a volatile situation. If he stays, a mere phone call by his wife to the police will have him in jail with a presumption of guilt. If he leaves he can say good bye to his daughter - the courts will rule he has abandoned his family.

    Thousands of Canadian fathers are in the same situation. Avoiding this issue is causing serious damage.
  16. M C from Vancouver Island, Canada writes: Yes please listen to the advice shared. Anything she does now has no weight behind it. Call the police and report the tresspasser - It's your house and leagally your wife and he is certainly not welcome in the home-who knows who he is and he may not be safe for your daughter. It'll be noted in a file and no matter how many times it takes to make your point clear he isn't welcome and her behavior in front of your daughter is unacceptable - stick with it. Things may change but hopefully it will be for the better interest of you and your child. Be the good father that you are and you can't go wrong. I can't understand why she is being so selfish. You don't bring a stranger to your home and confuse your child.
    It's sad that you and your daughter have to experience this but be strong.
    With your friends,family & community support you'll make it through.
  17. K McIntyre from Oshawa, Canada writes: I'm not sure the hidden video camera is a good idea. There are privacy issues with filming someone in their own home without their knowledge. It could backfire, big time. Keeping a journal, on the other hand, is a great idea. Keep it fact-based. He can't kick her or the boyfriend out, because it's her house too (they're still married), and the boyfriend is invited in by her. David Eddie's advice is excellent, here.
  18. Reality Check from Ottawa, Canada writes: A good article that aptly illustrates the effects of the bias in our courts system. I think few would disagree with the advice offered here.
  19. B D from Canada writes: I'm a woman, and I've always thought that family law is extremely and unfairly biased in favor of the female, regardless of circumstances. This may have made sense in years past when women were on the whole less financially independent, and less empowered. The same goes for the bias toward natural parents during child neglect cases. A major dose of common sense and new values needs to be introduced to these systems. Two independent adults need to have equal rights in marriage and equal responsibility in supporting their children and themselves following the marriage's dissolution.
  20. david eddie from Canada writes: Jim Mohagan from toronto, Canada writes:

    'It is completely irresponsible to tell him to stay put in such a volatile situation.' So you would have him leave? But then you say 'If he leaves he can say good bye to his daughter - the courts will rule he has abandoned his family.'

    Are these two statements not contradictory? If it's true that 'If he leaves he can say goodbye to his daughter' would it not be more 'irresponsible' of me to advise him to go?

    This is indeed a highly volatile situation, and everyone is as always free to disagree with my advice. But I have to say, Mr. Mohagan, I object to your use of the word 'irresponsible.' It's a strong word and I think absolutely unjustified here: I feel the weight of reponsibility very heavily when I write these columns, and after much consultation with lawyers gave what I genuinely believe is in fact the only truly responsible suggestion this situation calls for. And if you ask around any lawyers you may know, esp. divorce lawyers, I bet they will concur.
  21. A. Nonymous from Canada writes: TRUST YOUR LAWYER!!!
  22. Wandering Willy from Victoria, Canada writes: Just a bad scene and another example of why men need to stay single. I have never been in his situation but it almost seems like she wants him to lose it. Not good.....hang in there and think about your daughter.
  23. Placido Durango from Here to Eternity, Canada writes: Dan Shortt from Toronto, Canada writes: The next time the boyfriend shows up, remind him that you haven't invited him into your home, and ask him to leave. If he doesn't leave when asked, call the police and report there is a trespasser in the house.

    =============================

    It would be nice if that advice were sound, but in today's world, unfortunately it is not. Calling the police should be a last resort as the chances are 50/50 whose word they'll take on anything. Once they make up their mind, right or wrong, it will characterize the whole legal matter after that.
  24. Placido Durango from Here to Eternity, Canada writes: A. Nonymous from Canada writes: TRUST YOUR LAWYER!!!

    =======================

    I'd change that slightly for anyone in this or a similar situation:

    OBEY your lawyer and always before you do ANYTHING AT ALL, think What Would My Lawyer Do? (WWMLD)
  25. Bludgeon of Beijing from Ottawa, Canada writes: Wow - what a mess you married. I'd apologize to the boyfriend for the altercation, and politely point out to him that 3 years ago you were right where he is, so it's likely that 3 years from now he'll be standing right where you are. Then go watch TV and ignore the creature you married. You're well rid of that problem.
  26. The Natrix from Toronto, Canada writes: I say just buy another trailer to stay right beside her to the trailer you're staying at now. I'm sure the park wouldn't mind since this case is a 'exception' I'm sure of.
  27. A. Nonymous from Canada writes: Sorry, somehow hit submit before I threw my two cents in! Do not get in arguments, physical or verbal with your wife's new boyfriend. Do not move out of the house if you truly want custody of your daughter. A fight could result in a temporary order of exclusive possession for your wife, something you do NOT want. If you move out or are compelled to, the courts will (likely) determine that your daughter's 'status quo' is living with your wife in the matrimonial home. Suffer, endure, bite your tongue, whatever. Do not move out. One option you have is asking your lawyer to send a letter to your wife's lawyer requesting that both parties agree to refrain from having new partners visit in the interests of maintaining civility and so as not to confuse/upset/whatever your young daughter. This will have no legal weight whatsover and cannot be enforced in any way, but can possibly be introduced as evidence to show you have the best interests of your child in mind. Further to this, s.16(9) of the Divorce Act precludes consideration of any past (mis)conduct by your wife in determining custody UNLESS said conduct is relevant to the ability of the person to act as a parent to that child. It might be possible to show that your wife's behaviour in this instance is clearly very selfish and she has in no way considered the effect of having her new boyfriend over on your daughter. Keep your wits about you and stay calm. Do not fall into the traps your wife is setting.
  28. Neon Knight from Canada writes: That guy's wife is a jerk.
  29. Jim Mohagan from toronto, Canada writes: david eddie from Canada writes:
    'Are these two statements not contradictory? If it's true that 'If he leaves he can say goodbye to his daughter' would it not be more 'irresponsible' of me to advise him to go?'

    Let me put it to you this way: Suppose this man stays to keep from losing his daughter and two weeks from now there is serious violence in the home. People are hurt and the father is jailed and will never see his daughter. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

    Would you say, 'Oh well, I gave the guy good advice, he just couldn't keep it together.'? This goes for all the posters here.

    Mr. Eddie, I am very familiar with family lawyers and the court. Of course any lawyer would say, 'Stay put'. They know family court judges well. If violence occurs, it's in criminal court and they don't have to worry about it. It's not their lives that will have been destroyed.

    Behind the scenes, most family lawyers will tell you the courts are completely biased against fathers. But they don't dare say it publicly and attack the status quo that they depend on. The few lawyers that do never practice family law again.

    As a result one million Canadian children - one in five - live without their fathers. What do you think the social implications of that are? This man's daughter could easily become the next one. It's set up and it's all on the father.
  30. The Wight from Canada writes: Placido Durango:

    'It would be nice if that advice were sound, but in today's world, unfortunately it is not.'

    Exactly. If they are still legally married, she has just as much right as the husband to invite someone into the home she shares with him. It will turn ugly, quick, and he will be taking a chance on the cops siding with him, which may not happen.

    The best advice is to buy a digital hand recorder and before any conversation with the soon to be ex and/or the boyfriend occurs, on goes the recorder and it gets put in plain view. Record everything and transfer it to a computer so that you can make copies on disc for backup. Date every recording. Keep a journal that can corroborate with the audio clips, too. It is ALL ammunition. On the video - no. The content might very well prove your case, but unless all parties were aware of the recording, it would be near impossible for it be used legally.

    Secondly, get a good set of walking or running shoes and an iPod. It will get you out of the house, get you some exercise which will help burn off your stress, and give you some much needed mental down time. In fact, cut out any alcohol or drugs you may be doing for the duration, too. You don't need the hassle, the calories or the potential for a situation to explode. And above all, keep your eye on the end prize - your daughter. No matter how angry, how bitter, how messed up you may feel, take it out on the pavement with your feet instead of either on the ex or the new man. You'll thank me when you come out the other end fit, lean and ready for the dating scene.
  31. Blue Father from Toronto, Canada writes: Most of the comments and the story itself do not take into account the level of corruption that has overtaken the Family Law System. The man mentioned in the article is in extreme jeopardy. He is in danger of imprisonment, impoverishment, forced removal from his home, loss of assets, and alienation from his child. He is in danger of being overwhelmed by his own emotions and social isolation, by mental cruelty and humiliation being directed at him in his home, and the shame of relationship failure. There is no government-funded support for men in abusive domestic situations. Police, lawyers, judges, and social workers will view him with suspicion. In our society, the rewards for politicans, academics, and other social leaders who speak against men like him are ample. The domestic abuse industry actively works against supports for men. On a personal level, he might be driven to react with violence or verbal outbursts. The System automatically labels this ABUSE and the penalties are severe. Self-control may not save him. He might be falsely accused of threatening or harming the woman, the child, or the man. Penalties for family court perjury are rare. He is in danger of false accusations of physical and sexual abuse against the child. This would involve years of government intervention by workers trained and socialized to interfere with the relationships between fathers and children. Although it will seem obvious to this father and family and friends, that he is protective and loving toward his daughter, these workers will fight to limit the man's access to a girl. The mother will have ample opportunity and time to alienate the child from the father. The father becomes a shadowy, frightening figure in the child's life. Forced support payments are paid to the mother and the mother becomes the source of all good things. The father may become a poor, powerless, pathetic stranger. He may live to see his child's last name changed to the new boyfriend's.
  32. Sue City from Canada writes: What kind of mother would expose her child to such poisonous living conditions. This should be considered child abuse.
  33. Are We Having This Conversation ? from Toronto, Canada writes: With regards to the 'tresspasser' comment....if the house is under the husband's name...could the husband not call police to say there is a trespasser? I am not familiar with the law and maybe....the police might say that because they are married, technically the house is her's too? If anyone has info, that would be super!
    Maybe...just a thought though, if this man takes his daughter to a movie or a night out for dinner with the boy toy comes over...could she say that the husband 'trying to take the daughter' away from her? Again, these are just thoughts...any insight would be helpful.
    The wife is an obvious tramp becuase she shagged up so quickly! Maybe the husband should be 'buddies' with the boy toy...how odd would that be for the wife!
    Again, just like everyone else has written...please abide by the court's and lawyer's ruling. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'...even if it does rip your heart in two and you want things to be resolved quicky, if ony for your daughter's sake.
    Stay strong!!! Remember, the goal is to be with your daughter! Keep her front and centre in your mind!!
    Good luck!
  34. M L from Canada writes: Blue Father -- your post is devastating -- in that you have brought another dimension to this situation. I will assume from your online name that you have the horrible insight into a situation that is heart-breaking. While we can all give our thoughts or opinions, most people don't consider that the father is emotionally involved and that makes it really hard to take in the situation objectively. Much easier from the outside. Hopefully, this father will focus on his daughter's love for him and his for her and that will help heal them. Even trying to get a separation agreement can be a nightmarish situation if one of the parties refuses to sign. This can be dragged out for a long time. Very painful and unfortunate.
  35. Placido Durango from Here to Eternity, Canada writes: Blue Father at 1:47 PM writes a very important post.

    Everyone should be aware of the facts he posts there.

    Blue Father, if you're checking back here, do you know of any support, websites, etc. to help in that regard?
  36. Expert Eel from Canada writes: calling the police to report a trespasser is useless at best, the police will wright you off as 'domestic dispute' and become angry for wasting their time.

    I like Bob Smitherman from Canada's advice 'The best defence is a good offence.

    Befriend the wife's boyfriend. Have a few beers with him. Tell him about the wife's bad habits. Become best friends with the boyfriend!

    That should get her going! '
  37. carol c from Canada writes: Divorce is so freaking ugly. I agree that the law leans to far on the woman's side, to the detrement of children. We need to rework the law here.
  38. Jennifer Rollison from Canada writes: I agree with Sue City...as for the camera, I'm not sure BUT, maybe he could bring in a tape recorder and tell them (the b!t@% and her b/f {just imagine the calibre he must be}), hey, I'm taping everything that goes on here. I bet they'll vacate ASAP...no harm in trying...

    that poor, poor little kid...
  39. can I vote again from around-Kingston, Canada writes: actually... don't trust your lawyer

    you know better, keep a cool head and leave

    and make sure you don't pay her a red cent until things are 'settled'

    nuf..said
  40. Jim Mohagan from toronto, Canada writes: Placido Durango from Here to Eternity, Canada writes:
    'Blue Father, if you're checking back here, do you know of any support, websites, etc. to help in that regard?'

    I can't speak for BF, but one of the best resources is FACT (Fathers Are Capable Too) http://www.fact.on.ca/ - especially if you're in Ontario. Alberta and B.C. have very active groups too.

    If you're a father in Canada, the state can easily take away your babies and then makes you pay for the privilege. The brutality and scale of this disaster are completely beyond the public's awareness.
  41. can I vote again from around-Kingston, Canada writes: [blue fader]

    uh huh... yeah it wreaks.

    but honestly, all the whining in the world ain't going to change things is it?

    Ignore the women, if she denies access to the children ... simply keep them under the pretenses that this woman is forecably confining them and restricting their fair access to to the father.

    But yeah, the laws in this land of ours favour the litigation don't they?
  42. david eddie from Canada writes: Mr. Mohagan writes: 'Let me put it to you this way: Suppose this man stays to keep from losing his daughter and two weeks from now there is serious violence in the home.'

    Yes, but my dear fellow, suppose there isn't? Then what is it responsible to advise him?

    Blue Father, I hear you and feel your pain. I am very, very sorry to hear stories of fathers separated from their children unfairly by the courts. It would literally kill me to be separated from my children (not quickly, but slowly, I would inevitably go into a spiral, lifestyle-choices-wise and health-wise). That's why this installment of 'Damage Control' was so important to me and I wanted to make sure I got it right.

    All I can do, for now. But I hope and pray courts in this country give men a fair shake in custody battles.
  43. Dennis sinneD from Calgary, Canada writes:

    Change the locks when they're gone and call the cops if they try to break in. Don't leave, you'll lose everything.

    Or...

    I'm with Expert Eel, befriend him. Then talk him into talking your wife into a little extra fun and make sure to record the 'good times' with all 3 of you.

    Then, propose to the boyfriend and kick the wife out...
  44. chris arnold from Ottawa, Canada writes: I have practiced family law for a long time, and although I find the war overtones discordant with the advice, I think the advice is mostly sound, except for the part about starting the litigation immediately. If you stay on the high road, don't take the bait, decline the invitation to reciprocate the sort of ridiculous behaviour you are describing, and put forward an invitation to some non-court options to sort out the issues associated with your separation (collaborative family law, mediation), you may be surprised at how often the other person will join you. why? due to the most powerful motivator of all - pure self interest. when people casually say that the only people who win at family court are the lawyers - they are unfortunately bang on. Although the lawyers benefit economically, I can say from experience that there is plenty of collateral damage going around too - so really NO ONE wins. Tragically, there is just no talking to SOME people, and court is necessary, but most of the cases down there don't have to be there. Too often stressed out and vulnerable spouses listen to the wrong and oft cited: 'get 'em before they get you' or 'hire a sonofabitch lawyer or she'll/he'll take you for everything you got' and other such crap. You may have to litigate, but get a lawyer that is trained in these processes (like collaborative practice) and who will work hard at getting you a resolution without going to court. keeping a detailed dated journal was another good recommendation. don't like the camera one - you'll come across as paranoid. best of luck to you.
  45. sc smith from Canada writes: What will it take to change the system?

    Everyone knows how the system is biased towards men, yet nothing changes.

    In response to Sue City from Canada writes: What kind of mother would expose her child to such poisonous living conditions. This should be considered child abuse.

    Answer: plenty in our society.

    In response to can I vote again from around-Kingston, Canada writes: actually... don't trust your lawyer

    you know better, keep a cool head and leave

    and make sure you don't pay her a red cent until things are 'settled'

    nuf..said

    You have absolutely no idea how the court systems in this country work. If he leaves, he will have no leverage and be at a disadvantage.

    And if he doesn’t pay a red cent, well the courts will view it in a negative light, not supporting his child, and he will have to back pay.

    As a female, I can see the injustice in the system, and as an individual I have no idea how to change it. Besides righting useless letters to politicians who provide a scripted response and do nothing.
  46. Miss Lady from Alberta, Canada writes: Stick to the moral high ground, keep a good diary, invite an occasional friend over to view the situation and provide corroboration. If documentation by audio and video are okay, do it. Keep a diary. Do not drink alcohol, with the boyfriend or otherwise. Take your daughter out for walks. Avoid arguing in her presence. Keep cool, think of the end goal, and how important it is that your daughter not be raised in the power of such a horrible woman.
  47. Ed Op from Canada writes: I like Bob Smitherman's suggestion. Might be tough to manage if you still have lingering feelings for your ex (can't see how you would), but I could really see the killing them with kindness thing having an effect. Would drive the ex nuts for sure if her new pal ended up hanging out watching ball with you instead of playing ball with her.

    Though as another poster pointed out, might be a good idea to keep beer out of it. Drunken brawl would not go to your advantage.
  48. Dan Shortt from Toronto, Canada writes: Yea, I like Bob Smitherman's idea about befriending the boyfriend too. Maybe give that a try.

    If that doesn't work, here's another idea. Do you have any male friends yourself? Next time the boyfriend shows up, invite a half-dozen or so of YOUR male friends over too. Make a party out it.
  49. karra redux from loot-a-way, Canada writes: I haven't read most of the above - but, if there's one thing I learned a good while ago....

    Whoever calls 911 first - wins!
  50. Astalanya Noway from Canada writes: I hate to say it, but you must ride it out. The system is not set up to support father's rights in this country, and an impassioned decision now may scar you for years to come. Your best options are to focus on fostering a continued healthy relationship with your daughter while holding the high ground with your ex-wife, and stay in the marital house. As stressed by many posters here, you stand to lose much more than you would gain by leaving and getting custody or access would be difficult because most judges won't see things in neutral terms. Or it becomes a game of 'his word versus her word' which ends well for no one.
  51. Baad Daddy from Northwest Ontario, Canada writes: 'Our problems are of our own making.' So said my grandmother and I see no other way to look at this mess. The relationship, the child, and now this. (Poor kid though, doesn't deserve it.) No wonder I choose serial monogamy and my Porsche instead of this type of mess. Good luck. I'm going driving and will return home to a peaceful existence.
  52. Compos Mentis from Toronto, Canada writes: Leaving the house is the best thing to do for your sanity but the worst thing to do legally. You will be seen as having abandoned your rights the minute you walk out the door and the ramifications of that move are life altering to the max. I know, I lived it and I regretted it every day since. Unfortunately for me I didn't seek legal advice before moving and only did so after the locks were changed. As intolerable a situation as it is, heed the advice, suck it up - keep pen and paper handy, a digital audio recorder is also a very good device to keep concealed so you can record conversations. Above all remember your kids must come first, getting locked up and thrown in jail won't do you or them any good. Stay strong!
  53. Mud Lark from Canada writes: Take pictures of the boyfriend and wife then call in the Childrens' Aid to put it on record that she is an unfit mother. If the CA takes the child temporarily pack her clothes and throw her out. Call a locksmith so she can't get back in then apply to the court for custody.

    You won't win by being a wimp and the longer the situation goes on the more volatile it will get. Think about talking to a different lawyer as well.
  54. Ziad Fazel from Calgary, Canada writes: Dear dedicated dad.

    Ask for help from your friends in blowing off stress safely - pounding a squash ball or going for some long bike rides. The button pushing has only begun. You may have to work against all manner of provocation for years.

    Check with your lawyer, but I think you should take your daughter out during the day when the boyfriend is over. Play dates with other children whose supportive parents won't be considered your girlfriend. A picnic in the park together. A mild spaghetti dinner out. Get both of you out of that horrible situation, and her attachment to you will flourish. You will need that attachment no matter what the post-separation arrangement.

    Let your love for that poor little girl, and hers for you, wash away your anger and allow your brain to work under pressure. And I really hope you get a fair judge. There are huge numbers of dedicated dads behind you all the way, hoping that your sacrifices pay off.
  55. Ottawa16 16 from Ottawa, Canada writes: I work for a Children's Aid Society and I hear stories like the one described in this article with disturbing frequency. All too often the tension escalates and erupts into violence which the children inevitably witness. Even if this does not occur, children are subjected to months of palpable ill will between the parents and they suffer significant emotional harm. I feel that those that drafted the legislation which leads parents to decide to remain in malice-filled relationships, exposing children to emotional abuse, ought to be compelled to read some of the horrific accounts of verbal abuse and physical violence which occur in these homes (in appropriately redacted and anonymized files). I cringed when I read the advice in this article. While it may be legally appropriate, the child protection worker (and parent) in me wanted to scream 'for the sake of your child, leave before something terrible happens'. If anyone believes the child is not being harmed by the situation as it stands, think again. Children are remarkably perceptive and extremely sensitive. As well, developmentally, they believe the world revolves around them. As a result, when something goes awry in their world, they believe it is their fault. That is too heavy a burden for a two year old.
  56. CD W from Canada writes: place a secret camera, and find a cop friend to run the licence of the boyfriend or cpic. Follow your lawyer's advice. Your future is at stake. Also upload or download a keystroke program onto her computer and watch the fun. If you dont, you are a dink.
  57. Northern Princess from Canada writes: http://www.familylawsecrets.com/
    ______________________________________________________
    http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/sch-rch/sch-rch.asp?SearchIn=general&SearchTerms=divorce&search=Search
    _____________________________________________________
    http://www.divorcemag.com/ON/
    ______________________________________________________

    Here are some sites that may help you .... the first site is 'Father's Rights'.

    Do keep everything writtten in a journal ... have friends over as witnesses ... concentrate on your daughter ... find out if you have the right to not welcome someone in your home even if your soon-to-be-horrible-ex does ... take pictures too (might help) but not the sneaky ones as this may be construed as entrapment of some sorts but check this one out as well.

    Good luck and keep the faith that what goes around comes around ... she'll get hers in the end!
  58. Golden Crumb from Canada writes: I empathize with this father, and I know that loving dads often get the short end of the stick. But before we demonize all women, and lump them together, lets remember all the men who have abandoned their children and all the men who continue to abandon their children on a daily basis. And lets remember the men who simply fail to 'wrap it up' which would prevent so many children from living without their fathers. (In my books both parties are EQUALLY responsible for birth control.)

    In the event that justice does not initially prevail (but I sincerely hope that it does!) please always fight for the child you love. Every effort you make will be seen by her. And at some time in her life she will have the autonomy to choose.
  59. Andrew Frazer from Canada writes: I unfortunately endured a similar though not identical situation. My ex refused to leave the family home, which was in my name and I'd owned before the relationship. She didn't bring any boyfriends by but she did invite her mother to live in the house. I was shocked she could do this. My lawyer said I was not on sound legal ground expelling anyone she invited into the house. I had to endure this hell for nearly five months, all the while trying to maintain a sane environment for my three year old daughter. I spent a lot of time in the garage working on my car to stay sane. The advice given is spot on - lose your temper or even annoy your ex and she'll call the police. Guess who will be escorted from the house in handcuffs? You! Do that and she'll get a restraining order against you and you'll be lucky to see your daughter at all. Stay cool, hire a good lawyer and get your situation resolved as quickly as possible. I won interim shared custody of my daughter and got my ex out although I had to give her enough money for her to buy her own house. It took two years and another court day but I finally secured full 50/50 custody and residential arrangement with my daughter. Mothers always have the benefit of the doubt in family court. This has to change but that will be hard to do in the feminized Canadian family court sytem.
  60. D Le5 from Canada writes: Interesting that some people, including the person in the article, want to call it THEIR home. Sorry but once you get married it is no longer just YOUR home.
    The bigger issue is having to stay in the home to 'keep up appearances' for the courts - - as if getting out makes you a bad parent.
    There is no way we can know what kind of man he is, and having been the 'other guy' after a separation I can tell you that some guys will use any situation to get back into the house.
    The issue, to me, is that for some unknown reason these two can't make a separation agreement to resolve the housing/child issue. Why is that? Which one won't agree to what terms?
    Seems to me that, although her actions do seem incredible insane, we should question what got them to this point?
    It could indeed be that she is a capital B or he could be playing the game as well.
    Just a thought
  61. Jacqueline Cook from Toronto, Canada writes: Very true advice. While your soon to be ex wife is clearly not behaving in the best interests of her children, you can't stoop to her level. Forget the insult to your pride. Concentrate on being a father and getting good legal advice about securing your separation agreement. Whatever you do, don't leave and don't engage.
    Show your children that there is strength and dignity in ignoring crass behaviour, rising above it to live the life you want.
  62. L T from Canada writes: I've worked in DV support, and I've never yet seen a guy who told the truth. He's all 'my kids' when she wants the split, but up to that point he's never been a dad. It's all about his property; his house, his kid, his pride.

    We've got a story about just such a case in the last couple day's G&M, with the guy who killed his property to get even.

    What brought her to the situation? Why can't he talk to her about what's best for the kid, if he's so concerned?

    Why can't the G&M get someone who isn't writing response columns that are all about him and his passe talent?
  63. Mr. Justice from Canada writes: Reverse the genders in this story. Okay ? You did that ?

    Funny . . . you wouldn't see the comments that have been posted here, would you ?

    Gee.
  64. ali mansur from etobicoke, Canada writes: Here's some good advice..

    Take out a loan against the entire equity of the house. Go 'lose' the money at Casino Rama. Don't actually lose he money, stash it somewhere. Then quit your job to stay at home with your kids. Or better yet, move your kids into your parent's house when the bank forecloses. Be prepared to claim bankruptcy.

    I bet your wife won't file for custody of your children once she realizes there is no money to be had from you. Once you get full custody you have nothing to worry about, and can go back to rebuilding your life.
  65. CD W from Canada writes: That is true, a friend of mine found out in the divorce that his wife had taken out a credit card in his name and maxxed it out hugely. There was nothing he could do about it. She had the cash. But he got the house, and everday after this woman would stand at the driveway saying that she was going to get her house back. Turns out she found some other sucker, whose mother held all the money and told him and her at dinner, that she was never going to marry her son, or move into the property, and if she and he did, he was disinherited. What a smart lady. Imagine if children had been involved in all of this.
  66. Ricky for a Centrist Canada from Canada writes:
    Pretty bad how the guy has to jump through hoops and bend over backwards to avoid being screwed by our horrifically skewed family court system, where the women can get away with murder.
  67. B A from Ottawa, Canada writes: Hhhhm, tough one. Though I was faced with a similar situation I took the risk and went proactive. I set up a seperate household, kitted it out and when I was ready said 'ok, shared custody, you want primary you'll have to fight for it. You may be a b*tch but as far as our kid's concerned we work as a team.' Yeah it was hard. But it worked. And these days I pretty much have my kid full time except for the occasional weekend. See, thing is that people like the wife this guy describes are selfish and as such probably lazy. They don't want to have to work at things, and kids are pretty labour intensive. Right now this woman is trying to use the house and the kid as a weapon against this poor schmuck, so disarm her. Sell the house and give her whatever her share is plus a little extra, heck be generous. Just make sure he has a new home (realistically a rental) set up prior to the big split and make sure hes got his kid's room set up to the nines. Let her know that she is everything to him. You remove the house, you set up your own place to parent your kid (and for god sake keep it well. You start looking like you live in a rundown shack and Childhood Services can be used as weapon against you) and you focus on your child. Screw the house. It's just property. Your kid is your kid. It's also important that the child's community knows your there. Volunteer a the daycare, know the children's friends, play with them. Too often men assume their role is the paycheque. That's crap. Be seen with the kids in a positive light. That way she can't make things up. Also, he needs to switch to a lawyer who supports the collaborative divorce process. Even if it does wind up in court the judge will see that he tried everything to reach a peaceful settlement and that he was trying to put his daughter first. For someone like his wife, to be made to look like the bad guy, publicly is like acid. 'The best way to win a battle is not to fight it.' Zun Tsu.
  68. Dittany D from Canada writes: How do you think this state of affairs is affecting your daughter? If you are like the vast majority of families it will be your wife who has been the primary carer of your child and the person who your child is most attached to. Do you really think trying to split her in two is a good idea?

    Instead of treating this like a battle you must win, stop focusing on your own selfish needs and think what your daughter actually requires. Above all what that is is a happy unharrassed mother, so the best thing you can do is move out and stop trying to use your daughter as a tool to punish your wife.

    As for Mr Eddie's truly awful comparison to your situation being a war and you being a soldier in it, well he's right in one aspect of it - women and children are the overwhelming losers in war as men let their rampant aggression overrule any humane impulses they might have. If you're a soldier does that make your wife an enemy combatant, and if that's the case and you're refusing to leave her territory doesn't that give her the right to put up barricades and start taking shots at you?

    Step back, calm down and start acting like a reasonable person, because at the moment you most certainly aren't.
  69. Ricky for a Centrist Canada from Canada writes:
    Dittany D - very nice anti-male advice there.

    'women and children are the overwhelming losers....'

    What a load of crap.

    Children losing I can get - but there are thousands of men out there, a few of whom are friends of mine, who did everything right and still got screwed over.

    Your assumption that it's seemingly only men that do bad things remove any credibility to anything you say.
  70. Tango Zulu from Canada writes: Dittany D spews the anti-male rhetoric my ex tried to use against me. I was constantly told my daughter did not want to see which was not true. My ex told the courts I had played no meaningful role in my daughter's life up until the divorce and I was therefore not entitled to equal custody. Well the reality came out in court. I had affadavits from neighbors claiming I was always the one taking my daughter out to neighborhood parks and playing with her while my ex slept until noon and beyond. I got shared custody and my daughter is the better for it. She turned 12 last year and moved in with me permanently, sick of her neurotic mother's head games.

    All it takes is one false allegation of domestic violence and a man may lose contact with his children forever. Family law must be changed to reflect a default joint parenting arrangement after divorce.
  71. Ursula Seawitch from Canada writes: A neighbour of mine went through nasty divorce like this a couple of years ago. There were 5 children in the family and the mother was bringing home men while the husband was still living there but working toward a separation.
    It was messy and all the neighbours saw the mess.
    In this situation the husband was a prince and the community tried their best to support him.
    He ended up with custody of the 2 oldest boys and the mother with the youngest 3. I have always felt badly for the youngest 3.
    See if your neighbours will write you a letter of support for your custody hearing.
  72. L T from Canada writes: 'I had affadavits from neighbors claiming I was always the one taking my daughter out to neighborhood parks and playing with her while my ex slept until noon and beyond.'

    Were your neighbours running through your bedroom a camera and a notebook? How could they know when or whether your wife was sleeping?

    There's not a lawyer in the land would present an affidavit such as you've described, or a court that would accept it.

    Women and children are the losers in separation and divorce. Those children in Merritt are testament to that. He killed the kids because she'd left him, and he wasn't going to have his 'property' taken away.
  73. Ricky for a Centrist Canada from Canada writes:
    Only a matter of time before somebody improperly exploited the tragedy in Merritt to try and score points.

    'Women and children are the losers' shows your bias.

    Generally, EVERYBODY loses when divorce happens.

    To say that men are not on the short end of the stick in these matters is ignorant at best.

    Oh, and courts would most certainly accept information that showed the father spent significant time with the kids - regardless of what the implied or stated location of the wife was at the time.

    I would know, because I've done it.

    Could the man bashers please come to the table a bit more informed, please?
  74. Tango Zulu from Canada writes:
    Were your neighbours running through your bedroom a camera and a notebook? How could they know when or whether your wife was sleeping?

    No, the affadavits spoke only of the fact I was the one seen with my children while my ex was not.

    And where do people get off saying women and children are losers in a divorce? Women usually get the custody of the children, the family house and other assets while men fork over huge support payments and often cannot spend as much time with their children as they and the children would like. You call that a win for men? More feminist retoric at its finest.
  75. Dittany D from Canada writes: Women and children are the losers when men declare war on women whether it's actual war or war in the home. That was my point. Don't blame me for the analogy it was David Eddie who used it first. There are a lot of reasonable men out there who don't use their children as weapons in battles against their ex-wives but there are also a few who do unfortunately.

    Those few also seem to be extremely adept at getting public opinion on their side. Look at the guy here who got all his neighbours to support him because he took his kids to the park. Do you think a woman who took her children to the park would get the neighbourhood rushing to defend her in a divorce? Probably not, but if a man does so much as lift a finger in caring for his children the banners are out and everybody is cheering him. Women are overwhelmingly the main carers for children a small fact that gets ignored in favour of treating every request for reasonable treatment as a battle cry against men.

    Oh and as we're telling our stories here, I was one of those children of divorce whose father banged on and on about his 'rights' to see his children after the split. The fact that he was an abusive alcoholic didn't stop him thinking he was a good father, although fatherhood to him only seemed to matter once he felt the need to get back at my mother. Every time I see the angry men hating on their ex-wives I know exactly where they are coming from, because I observed it in him. It's not a good place and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with caring about children - it's about viewing children as property and as means to enact revenge on the women that have hurt them.
  76. Tango Zulu from Canada writes:
    It's unfortunate we live in a world where all men are stereotyped as brutal and violent, that they insitgate all domestic violence and are layabouts who leave all house work and child rearing to their wives.

    Nobody rushes to a father in a divorce case, quite the opposite actually.

    As for women still doing the majority of the child rearing, that is a generalization and shouldn't be viewed as universal.

    Fact is, anyone who thinks there is a vestige of fairness in Canadian family law is a) Ignorant; or b) a radical feminist whose personal dogma is being served by the status quo and is therefore defending it.
  77. brian Anderson from Canada writes: Ideally there should be some method of coming to a win-win situation BUT I also know from experince that her win-win option is your lose-her win option.
    I like some of the advice given:documenting everything, selling the house, splitting the money right away. Take a leave of absence from your job? well perhaps you could work part time from home and spend time with your child? Another G&M article was about the judge was fed up with both spouces charging each other with assault and abuse... great idea! But at the end of the day if she is not reasonable, take the equity in the house and use it to hire lawyers, and battle it out in the courts so she realizes you are willing to fight her to the end, use all your equity and savings so NO ONE WINS. Then she may start listening. If you are going to lose everything anyway why not give it to a needy lawyer.

    This message has been sponcered by your local law society!
  78. Ricky for a Centrist Canada from Canada writes:
    That case of the pregnant teen 'abuse victim' who was 'jailed' by a judge is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

    Christie Blatchford is the ONLY columnist to call a spade a spade.

    What forcing the 'victim' to testify did was reveal, for all the world to see, that her claims of assault and abuse were false - and that she was using the system. Never mind that her boyfriend is an a-hole, that's beside the point.

    All the woman had to do was breathe 'abuse' and she became an immediate 'victim'. When her case hit the press, she was an immediate media darling, and when the judge basically forced her hand by holding her in custody, it put a stop to the BS.

    Women use the threat of 'abuse assault rape' as leverage all the time in the legal system, and the man gets very little benefit of the doubt in such cases.

    To say that women are victims more than men in these situations is just plain false. I am all for women fighting back against and stopping violence and abuse - but men have rights too, and they need to be respected.
  79. Expert Eel from OttaPettaOshawawawawa, Canada writes: can I vote again from around-Kingston, Canada writes: actually... don't trust your lawyer

    you know better, keep a cool head and leave

    and make sure you don't pay her a red cent until things are 'settled'

    nuf..said

    yeah ... and while you are at it, walk under a lot of mirrors, cross many black cat's paths, smash a lot of mirrors and then shoot yourself in the foot before listening to this boob's advice.
  80. Cut The Crap from Canada writes: This is obviously a very risky situation. The most fundamental problem is that he can be charged, and likely convicted at any time. All men should pay attention to this. Men should stop marrying until there is equality before the law. If you want kids, do it from separate residences from the outset. A man's freedom, children, home, and income, can be taken away with a simple phone call to 911 by his wife or girlfriend. No evidence is required. At trial, a man stands a 50% chance of being convicted of a criminal domestic offence without evidence. Not even one of the leaders of the “free-world” has this power over any citizen, yet every woman in a domestic relationship has this power. Until the law recognizes equal rights for men and fathers in domestic relationships it is immoral to marry because, by marrying, a man is sanctioning the state’s decision to take away his right to the presumption of innocence. The presumption of innocence is a basic human right which is fundamental to the preservation of a civil society. There can be no long-term civil society, and therefore no legitimate marriage, without the presumption of innocence. We should not support the institution of marriage until it can be legitimately resurrected by re-affirming the presumption of innocence. The two issues