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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: My husband has a friend who, throughout his courtship and marriage, has been repeatedly unfaithful to his wife. They have been married about five years, have a two-year-old daughter and are thinking about having another child.
I've never seriously thought about telling her before because it would not only probably lead to the breakup of their marriage, but my husband would lose confidence in me as well. But I recently found out that when this friend visited a major city on a business trip, he engaged the services of a prostitute. I find this morally reprehensible, not to mention physically dangerous for his wife and child should he get infected with anything.
I feel stuck in a Catch-22 as she is ignorant of the current situation. Will I do more or less harm by keeping my mouth shut?
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A heavy burden
Take it from someone who told the wife: You don't want to bear the burden of that responsibility. If I could do it over, I'd approach the husband and threaten to tell if he didn't. Tell your husband how you feel. He might not be so tolerant of his friend's infidelities once he realizes they're threatening his own marriage, too.
- Heather McCall, Toronto
Whose trysts?
You cannot tell the wife. From your letter, I would guess that this is your husband telling you of all his trysts. If so, maybe you should let your husband know how morally repugnant you find his friend's behaviour and that he shouldn't be sharing this information with you as you find it harder and harder to remain silent. Does your husband share in your view of how his friend is treating his wife? If he doesn't, that would be a great concern.
- Christine McInnes, Toronto
Case of complicity
It is just as possible for her husband's friend to contract a sexually transmitted infection from a "civilian" woman as from a prostitute. By focusing on the prostitute instead of the overall infidelity, the writer is trying to justify tattling on her husband's friend and probably relieve her own guilt for being complicit for so long.
- Krista Spurr, Halifax
Question of motivation
You come across as having long had an itch to interfere. Maybe interfering would be right if this poor lady was closer to you than anybody else in the picture; if she was your sister or your best friend. But she seems to be three times removed - the wife of your husband's friend. You have to ask yourself: Are you really worried about your husband's quietness and what that means about his fidelity, or about the lady? If your motivation is not pure love and concern, you should refrain.
- Mohan Matthen, Toronto
The Final Word
Dear Catch-22,
I stand with You Cannot Tell the Wife McInnes. You will do less harm by keeping your mouth shut. Besides, despite your understandable concern, this is none of your business.
First, Mr. Infidelity is a friend to your husband - not you. His exploits have been confessed to your husband; the fact that your husband involved you means that, given the law of secrets, you must now protect the information, however bulky and unscrupulous it is proving to be. Your husband could not bear the weight and, perhaps, the titillation of what he was told; he needed you to share in the burden. This, like a tireless worker, you must do.
If anyone could justifiably intervene in this situation, it would be your husband - not to the wife, but directly to his friend. Like storm cells, the more secrets are split from their source, the more disastrous they become. Soon, everyone is in danger. This, Catch-22, includes you.
Trust is the spine of a marriage; binding and delicate, it must be guarded at every cost.
I find Threaten the Husband McCall's approach bent on divisiveness. Threatening people is better left to celluloid vixens.
I agree that you should discuss your feelings with your husband. But her double-barrelled suggestion is soap-opera dramatic.
Both as a rule and as a sign of grace, one cannot change the course of other peoples' lives. You cannot step into another marriage and fix it. A marriage is a private dominion with its own history, carefully drawn constitution and natural wonders. Even if it is your sister's marriage or your best friend's, only its inhabitants can declare and wage war. In turn, only they can grasp just how hard-won is the state of peace - and as such, preserve it.
"Civilian" Spurr rightly asks you to face your moral certitude that a prostitute is somehow more "reprehensible" than a mistress. Return to your own marriage, rather than living the travails of theirs.
Along the same lines, Three Times Removed Matthen presents the salient if difficult question: Why has your husband not taken his rogue friend by the shoulders and shot the straight arrow of sound advice? With your support, he may just consider doing so. Your husband seems to appreciate that friendship is for counsel - not interference.
Next week's question
Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)
Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books this month. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com
