I am wondering how you are doing in Afghanistan now. I am wondering if you are still peeing into a plastic pipe and doing a #2 in a garbage bag as well as getting your once in-a-lifetime shower in. It never ceases to surprise me that you had better living conditions 2 years ago then you have now. It also amazes me how I know more about what is going on over there then you do. You weren't even aware of the fact of General Hillier, who I know you greatly admire, is set to give up his CDS posting. I know you were upset when I told you and you didn't actually believe me until I emailed you the article from the Globe and Mail! I know how much General Hillier means to you and how much pride you had when he "coined" you. Some people back home don't seem to understand really what harsh conditions you and the other soldiers who live beyond the wire really live in. I can probably go blue in the face saying how proud I am of you and the other soldiers. You all know what the conditions were going to be and yet you still volunteered to go over there yet again.

Our children are adjusting to life without you but it has been harder this time. E needs a daily dose of Daddy so I print off pictures of you from last tour to help him. I wish you could send some recent pictures home. The brief letters you write do help them but only for a while. Mik has more ups then downs now. But thanks to you allowing her to get another horse has sure cheered her up. Funny how it is that I am here and you are over there thousands of miles apart and yet you still have the power to veto a horse or not! You're not even here and all the children make me ask you if they can or can't do something. Of course it has to be a major thing so you are still a part of our daily lives even though we are not under the same roof.

I wanted to bring up one point that we had in a conversation. You told me that being in Afghanistan "you have learned to appreciate the children and I more". You probably did not realize that the statement you made angered and hurt me. Perhaps it is just you being a man but for me every time I turn over in our bed and I open my eyes and see you there I appreciate you more. I do not have to go away to feel it. It is true we have spent more time apart in our marriage then we have together under one roof. One would think with every absence I would get used to living alone more but I do not. The way I see it being a military wife I am luckier than a civilian wife. When you're gone I learn to love you deeper and love you in a stronger way. Take for instance last tour. When Canadian soldiers were dying monthly and the numbers were climbing up, I knew very well you were in the fray of battle. My sense of love for and my sense of wanting to let you know how much you meant to me not only as a husband, father but also just as a person grew so strong that I was begging God to let me have that chance to show you how much you meant to me! I was among the group of wives who had their husband/soldier come home so that we could let you know how we felt!

You still take care of me when you are in Afghanistan. When you found out from our daughter about my health you phoned everyone on God's green earth to make sure that I got the care that I needed but was too stubborn to seek out myself. Now your Mom and Dad are here and you made sure someone moved in with me until you completed your tour even though you offered to come home. I said I would kick your butt if you came home. Thank you for helping me when I refused to help myself. I just did not think I was that bad and I could soldier up. I know by not telling you it was the worst thing I could have done. I assumed that if I told you it would only worry you and there was not a damn thing you could do about it. Well you have proved me wrong on that and in the end I made it worse for you. You did do something and put our emergency family plan into action. I know you are ready to come home if I wish it I also know you will come home if I don't wish it. But please believe me when I say I'll be ok and that the military did do a great job of making sure that we did have a "family emergency plan" before you deployed.

Thinking about all the planning that we as a family had to do before you deployed still blows my mind. For example writing out a media statement in the event of your death. I remember writing that while you were sleeping in bed a couple of days before you deployed. It felt wrong to write out a media statement kind of like I was cursing the mission or something. To write out a will, what you would wear at your funeral, where you would be buried, how you would like your funeral service to be like to even if there were any family members that I would feel uncomfortable with. You even wrote your own media statement in the event of your death. When it was all said and done, there were 11 pages of information. We even wrote about how our children were to be notified in case I couldn't tell them myself. We had to write it down one child at a time and how best to approach each child on the news. All of this information is in a plastic cupboard over the stove in the cabinet so if the AO comes to our house they will know what to do and who to contact! By the way I never open that cupboard and I pray that I never have to. I hope that you will come home and we can burn it together and roast marshmallows over it. Perhaps in another blog I will list the questions for any military wives out there who don't have it.

Well anyway, today the Warrant, aka my mother-in-law has let me actually sit on the computer and even venture out of my room. I see the surgeon on Wednesday and I can assure you the Warrant will be with me the entire time. I love her but I cannot get away with a thing with her here at the house. Hey maybe by tomorrow she let me outside on a short leash!!! I thought I was being smart when I snuck out of the house yesterday. Mom and Dad were in the backyard with the boys MiK was on her laptop lost in the internet world so I figures the coast was clear. I get dressed and took the truck to the movie store to rent a huge amount of movies to keep me at least occupied while on bed rest. Well I wasn't even gone very long I sneak back into the house and thought that I was in the clear. I am back in bed in pj's and Mom comes into my room. WHERE DID YOU GO she says ever so sternly and I am freaked thinking how does she know I even left. She refuses to tell me other then "she just knew." My goodness the woman has eyes everywhere. I double checked when I came into the house to make sure she hadn't moved from the backyard and sure as anything she and Dad were still out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell you your mom has powers! So needless to say I have now lost the truck keys and the tricycle is also gone so I am out of luck for sneaking out of the house again LOL LOL.

Anyway the warrant wants to tackle underneath our bed! I asked her if she was insured, just in case and made her sign a waiver!

I love you more than all the leaves in all the trees in the entire world!

B.Y.A.H