Well this letter is full of guilt, remorse, what if's. I came to the decision with you to finally "ring the bell" or in English terms, I have asked for you to come home early from this tour!

My health is only going downhill and test results like the CAT scan show "accidental findings" which leads to other investigations that are now pending. I have found out that my surgery will be in June. I am feeling like my health is sinking and though I have no control over it I feel as if I am in the wrong because I "rang the bell." I can't recall any time in my life admitting defeat and ringing the bell to have you home by my side to help ME! Never mind that civilians think that military men/women are tough ones and can put mind over matter and get on with whatever "tasking" they have in front of them. Anyone in the military is made of tough stuff and compassion. I just never thought as YOUR wife that I would ever request to pull you from a tour for ME. That is one huge pill to swallow (still trying to swallow it).

I know you have called me and have assured me that by "ringing the bell" I am not a failure to you. I have had our family, friends and even other military members say the same thing but it all falls on deaf ears! Your unit's NCO was and is still great in all that he has done for our family in your absence. He has guided me through the process I have had to take in all of these, but most of all he walked through it all with me, never once leaving alone. He also reassured me time and time again how I wasn't to feel so bad or so wrong about having requested that you come home! I feel sorry for him for having to listen to me asking him the same questions over and over again! I was worse than a broken record.

As I am writing this I am waiting for your almost daily phone call, once again letting me know what is going on with you and your assurance of how you're still okay with coming home having not completed your tour! Like I said, I will believe it in two months times when you're still holding me in your arms telling me you love me. Your response to that comment was for me "to go ahead use the yellow pages and call a divorce lawyer but you'll refuse to sign the papers because you are gonna be around for another 98 years to happily, lovingly torment me." Ok, I laughed at that one.

We married "old school" military and have lived our married life like that. Sure, I have grumbled but I was still happily married and used to taking a back seat to the army! Now the military has changed and they say "family first." When I first heard that statement, General Rick Hillier came to my mind. He has been one of the most influential military members to bring the military family to the forefront. I have read that he will be coming to our base in the latter part of the month so I look forward to meeting him again in person! Anyways, I think the old-school military way and so I have a hard time getting used to the new change of "family first." To me, it wasn't like the old way was a bad way either. We both know for one how much the military has helped our family in the past with various needs that have come up. Some of them have been huge requests, but for our family's privacy, I will not go into details.

A couple of days ago when you called and we talked about you possibly coming home you told me for the first time in our 10 years together that I came first to you and you were behind me 110 per cent (110 per cent I have heard before) but you actually told me I was FIRST! When I pointed out that, I had never heard you tell me I came first, you seem so surprised. Within the first two hours of meeting you I knew how army driven you were and that you were/are a career soldier! When you are gone to work, you work but when you are home, you leave work behind. I have always known your priorities were soldier first, father and husband second! You balanced both worlds rather well. Sometimes it has come with a high cost but we have faced that "cost" together. I have lived our married life being a mother first but I have always put your career before myself. I got so use to that kind of life to now have it suddenly change on me brings guilt, remorse, feelings of failing you and our family, but most of all perhaps disappointing you!

I have such a hard time coming to grips with me requesting that you come home and feel such a huge responsibility not only to you but also to your unit. If you come home, they will have to replace you and I know when replacing a soldier no matter how good that soldier is trained (for the soldier will be well-trained and prepared) they are not the same soldier they worked with side by side or lived with side by side for months on end! Your unit will feel the impact of your absence. As well you are taking a huge risk that if something should happen to any of your men you will always think, "if I were there could I have changed something" and I have to live with that risk as well. There will be such a mental toll on us both but you would carry the burden of it. So when I made the request I took into consideration not only myself but also what future consequences there maybe for you and your unit.

Now that I have totally babbled here I am sure you can imagine what the poor rear party NCO had to listen to. Not that he complained once although I am sure any other human would have - lol.

I love you D and whatever the near-future holds for us, we will face it together: the good, the bad and the ugly.

B.Y.A.H .S