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My boyfriend won't socialize with my friends

CLAUDIA DEY

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

Latest comment posted at 8:23 PM EDT 31/07/08

Do I party with my pals on my own or make him come out with me? ...Read the full article

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  1. B Reynolds from Canada writes: In my experience someone who sits off on their own in a social setting is trying to control his or her environment. If everyone else feels that they have to rush over to ask the quiet person if they're comfortable, if they're having a good time - then the quiet person becomes the centre of attention without having to lift a finger.

    If he (or she) really didn't enjoy that sort of attention, he (or she) wouldn't go out at all, and if socializing is important to you, you're going to be stuck with a partner who either leaves you on your own or leaves you making excuses for him while everyone else wonders what's wrong.

    Do your own thing and see how he reacts. If he starts to ask you to change the way you socialize or live your life, that's a big red flag. He isn't going to become more extroverted any time soon.
  2. Mac- GLG from Canada writes: Life is too short - go have fun and stay away from the alter. Things aren't likely to change.
  3. Western Girl from Calgary, Canada writes:
    Generally it's true that introverts need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts get their energy from being with people. But this guy has something else going on. Introverted or no, he has an obligation to participate in a social life with his partner. How much and to what extent should have been negotiated early on if it's truly that painful for him. I'm not naturally drawn to social situations either, but once I gear up for one I usually have a pretty good time, at least for a few hours, and then I'm done. This guy's not even trying, which says all that it should about the state of this particular relationship.
  4. Darphin Cofa from Canada writes: Just leave him at home if he does not want to go. What's the big deal? Your friends don't have to be his friends. Isn't it more enjoyable to spend time with your friends freely without having to babysit your boyfriend anyway?
  5. Titus Andronicus from Canada writes: This couple should break up. They are clearly completely incompatible and unable to reach an accomodation, so why bother?

    Be modern. Your S/O has a foible that rubs you the wrong way? DUMP TIME! Keep moving and keep changing people like socks. Even if you don't see anything wrong, change partners from time to time anyway. That way they won't wear out on you. Always go for the new an unexplored and turf anything merely familar. Eventually you'll wake up some day old and alone -- what could be better!
  6. No Name Necessary from Canada writes: sometimes friends can be a bit too much for a boyfriend/girlfriend so it's best to go out with them alone, but family is a big part of most peoples lives and doing family things alone is not an option. I would make this clear. If this person can't make the effort then time to make a break because sooner or later it will drive you apart anyway.
  7. Canadian Abroad from London, United Kingdom writes: He's just not that into you... To steal a line from a book.

    It takes time to become friends with a partner's friends. Especially if you come from completly different cirlces, city, province, country or whatever. Although after hanging out and doing what every it is you all do he should warm up and become friends with at least some of your friends.

    I think the key here is he's the same with your parents. He's not happy, or he needs to be with someone and that someone is you. This rings even more true if you sought him out or after he sought you out, you had to pull him along.
  8. Bryan . from Canada writes: Though I hate to put all introverts in one box, I would say based upon my experience this boyfriend has other issues.

    I myself am an introvert, or at least consider myself one. Though I keep quiet in social settings, particularly with new people, I would never consider not going, particularly if my girlfriend asked me to.

    If he does not want to partipate in this part of your life, you may very well have to part ways. I guess the choice comes to whether your one on one time compensates for what your missing out in a social setting. Either way you shouldn't modify your life for him
  9. Imperial K from Toronto, Canada writes: I have to disagree with some of these posts, you don't have to find like minds to travel earth with. I'm and extrovert in most situations and my partner isn't, and tends to stay quiet unless talked to.

    What happens is, he comes out sometimes, and other times doesn't and I have no problems going to hang with my friend. If you think for a moment you need to be bonded at the hip to make a relationship, then that's the reason for a 50% divorce rate.

    Honeys I don't want to be around ANYONE 24/7, and social outings are refreshing away from the relationship, for both of us as he has his friends as well.

    I find everyone is looking for dull, lacklustre clones of themselves, and frankly if I wanted to play checkers that's what I would have gone for.

    Stop avoiding conflict and making sure everything run smooths. My god you only have one life, jump into what you feel instead of calculating it like an accountant! ;)
  10. Imperial K from Toronto, Canada writes: And so what you have an argument, you shout you curse, and maybe you break up...and guess what you go on living.

    I find everyone so cowardice nowadays, any little bump and it's divorce court!
  11. Western Girl from Calgary, Canada writes:
    Titus - and all couples, having committed, should stay together forever regardless of piddly things like fundamental incompatiblities, etc. After all, form is far more important than substance, the institution far more critical to uphold than the welfare of the inmates living therein.
  12. strider 643 from Canada writes: Your relationship is doomed.
  13. Down Town from Canada writes: I'm more of an introvert while my fiance is more of an extrovert. He goes out when he likes, and I stay home (or do something else) when I feel like it. I don't see why he should have to say home when I don't feel like going out, and I don't see why I should go out when I'm not in the mood for it. Obviously we do actually go out together as well, but the point is that neither one of us forces the other person to do something they don't want to do - and everyone has a better time for it. While the vast majority of G&M posters would like to make everyone think their relationships are doomed simply because theirs are messed up, it is possible to find a happy medium. While you should make your boyfriend feel welcome to join you whenever you go out, stop making him go when he doesn't want to. Continue going out with your friends, and spend time alone with your boyfriend as well. Balance is the key.
  14. Wandering Willy from Kelowna, Canada writes: Let him go do what he wants to do if he is not into your scene. Either it will work for you both to have the "me" time or you will drift apart. Time to test the waters of your relationship I believe.
  15. dick brown from missy, Canada writes: Let him do his thing.
  16. Steve Gibbons from Calgary, Canada writes: I think Down Town and Wandering Willy have it right. You don't neccessarily need to do whatever the other is doing all the time to have a healthy relationship. The expectation that your boyfriend/girlfriend will automatically like your friends seems a little naive. They might not like your friends, they might not enjoy their company, they might have other interests. None of that matters as long as the two people still share their interests and support.
  17. noneof yerbeezwax from Toronto, Canada writes: It's a tough call, you may be setting yourself up for a life of frustration... I've been there. Think long & hard before making a life committment, then think again...
  18. 100% Conservative from Victoria BC, Canada writes: I can empathize very much with this issue as I am a loner as well : several years ago I got so tired of emotional roller coaster relationships and the associated social needs (which drain the life blood right out of me .. I am good for about half an hour in a group of people then I have to get away) that I now choose to be single and deftly avoid the male female thing. Strangely enough since I committed myself to this I have never had as many women letting me know that they are interested - where were they when I was on the prowl is what I want to know?
  19. Alistair McLaughlin from Canada writes: 100% Conservative writes: "I am good for about half an hour in a group of people then I have to get away." I hear you brother. Introverts can have it rough. Most frustratingly, we are often written off as shy and retiring, or simply anti-social, or "attention-seekers" as one commenter has already done. I too can handle groups for short periods (though somewhat longer than half an hour) but I simply loath having to spend an entire evening being all chirpy and sociable. What most people don't get, is that only extroverts can find socializing invigorating and energizing for long periods of time. As already mentioned by someone else, introverts NEED time to recharge their brains. We simply aren't capable of being spontaneously sociable for long periods. For us, it starts out fun, and eventually becomes like writing a final exam. A 3 hour long exam can be mentally exhausting. Imagine what an 8 hour exam feels like! Now you extroverts, ask youselves this: Would I be willing to sit down with my partner once a week and write an 8 hour exam on an intensely difficult subject? Didn't think so. So, for the girl with the question, you are faced with two choices: A) Make an effort to understand your introverted boyfriend's different social needs (and your boyfriend MUST do the same for you), or B) Find another extrovert.
  20. stand up mimi from Vancouver, Canada writes: Introverts are not necessarily "shy" as the author suggests. Maybe he's not socializing with her friends because they have absolutely nothing interesting to say. And they probably find him dull, too. He and the friends have tried in the past, but now they've decided there's no point. Sometimes people just don't click. Introverted people are perfectly capable of carrying on conversations and stepping up a bit in social situations. But if he's being made to go out all the time with people he has nothing in common with, it would be no surprise if he just crawls into a shell until it's all over. How is he with his own friends? That information seems to be missing, and it's a huge clue to what's really going on.

    As for the family - it's important to get along with them. But how is the family treating him? If they themselves are distant and polite, or ignore him, or don't listen to him, don't expect him to be all warm and fuzzy with them. People often don't realize how their own family comes across and just assume other people will be as comfortable with them as they themselves are.
  21. Combative American from United States writes: Maybe the simple fact of the matter is that her friends are losers and her boyfriend recognizes that and thus avoids them like the plague.

    Just a thought.
  22. jasper james from Canada writes: I don't see why the introvert has to do all the accomodating or the relationship has to end.

    I'm an introvert; my partner is not. sometimes I go to parties, sometimes I don't. He knows that I freak out a big parties and has learned that it's just not worth asking me, and he doesn't get offended. He gets equally freaked out when he spends too much time alone at home, so he's aware of how this can feel. But I try to go when I can. I may only stay for an hour, but I'll grin and bear it. Ironically, I'm a musician. But playing in front of 1500 anonymous audience members is something entirely different and I'm not using words to communicate. We've been together for 15 years...and I imagine we'll be together for at least 15 more.
  23. Emma Hawthorne from Canada writes: Ask him. Does he need help or counselling? Does he have more serious things on his mind? Does he lack respect for you or your friends or simply dislike them? Are your friends leftovers from a more immature era in your life? Are you ready to grow up? Is he ready to lighten up? Are you a pair? The possiblilities are endless but you must sort this out before continuing.
  24. Runaway 08 from Wet Vancouver, Canada writes: The drinking in a corner thing worries me....
  25. Titus Andronicus from Canada writes: Western Girl, you're a satirist after my own heart -- let's get together and ignore eachother's friends while we decide how best to split up!
  26. K S from Toronto, Canada writes: Go see your friends and family on your own. Why would you want to drag someone somewhere he doesn't want to be? If he has a problem with that or if you don't like going alone, then it's time to find a new relationship.
  27. B H from Toronto, Canada writes: The really disturbing part to me is the fact that she's actually asking whether she should 'make' him go, or 'let' him stay home, and doesn't appear to be joking, as far as I can tell. Is he not an adult and free to control his own movements? Is she serious in asking this as if it's her decision? Maybe for a change he should 'make' her stay home with him instead of 'letting' her out to see her friends? As for the actual party/no party thing, you know they could just both do what they chose to do and then come home and chat about their evening together. They'd both have a good time and probably have plenty to tell each other afterwards.
  28. D M from Canada writes: Yeah, not sure why people think introverted equals shy, or that he doesn't like the friends. The writer says he is shy around her friends and her family, but what about around HIS friends. Does he have lots? How does he act around them? That probably says more about his personality..

    I remember one ex I had. When we broke up, she said she found it hard I didn't like her friends. ??? She explained that I "never" went to (her) parties. Actually, I LIKED her female friends, but there wasn't that much to say, and her male friends were guys with nothing in common with me, so the parties were just torture after the first couple of hours. She didn't realize how much effort it was.. But, I also never realized how important it was to her that I was there, or that it was important that I liked her friends.

    She doesn't mention how she is around his friends. My ex never even met some of my best friends..

    It seems it's important for females that their partners hang out in her circles, but not so important for guys. Maybe he doesn't realize it. Maybe she should talk to him about it...
  29. Yvonne Wackernagel from Woodville, Canada writes: Maybe your boyfriend has a higher intelligence than most of your friends and can only take so much! I am neither but, after a time in a crowd of unintelligent people, I get extremely bored. You must share some verbal communication; how do you rate that?
  30. Philip Yu from Toronto, Canada writes: I do admit I can be shy and reclusive at times, but if I like someone and can warm up to being around them, then I'll be fine. If the situation warrants, I'm not afraid to tell or be told the truth. Two and a half years and he hasn't been able to hit it off with at least one of her friends or family members? That's way too long for him to still make any necessary adjustments. It seems to me that he has it in his mind that he doesn't like her friends and family for whatever reason(s). It also looks to me like she's dictating how his social life should be by dragging him out constantly to be with her friends and resents her for it. But he might well be the accomodating type and hasn't put it upon himself to tell the truth to her. Perhaps she's not enthused about his friends or family either. If that all adds up together, they're not right for each other, PERIOD.
  31. K Kal from Canada writes:
    Well

    A) He is socially inept.

    OR

    B) Maybe he doesnt like your friends?

    C) adding to B, maybe your friends are DULL and he finds them boring

    im going to go with a combination of C and D using personal experience

    there is always one friend that the girl has that when they hang out, your girl's IQ drops 50%

    im guessing thats whats goin on here.

  32. K Kal from Canada writes:
    Combative American from United States writes: Maybe the simple fact of the matter is that her friends are losers and her boyfriend recognizes that and thus avoids them like the plague.

    Just a thought.

    2nd that

    err and i forgot D in previous post :)

    D) maybe your friends are losers. (this has the highest probability rating)
  33. harry carnie from Northern, B.C., Canada writes: It is rather interesting you do NOT relate HOW YOU INTERACT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND`S PALS, and family.

    If you are that self centered you put your friends over your boyfriend...who may be basically shy............
    do your boyfriend a favor AND DUMP HIM ..he may have better luck next time..and so may you.
  34. Iain's Opinion from Canada writes: Who cares? This behaviour is what this person wishes to use around your friends. This behaviour won't change, choose.
    Either take your friends or pick this guy. They don't and won't mix.
  35. skeptical Observer from Canada writes: why dont you analyze your friends? There is obviously one of two reasons for his actions, either its your friends or its him. Observe if he has any of his own friends, do they act different?? are all of your friends girls and its girly time with your friends?? something many men cant participate in if all your talking about is hair and makeup. maybe your friends have different interests and talk about topics that are completely foreign to him. You and your boyfriend may not be a good match.
  36. Robin Hannah from Canada writes: I appreciated many of these responses. Funny, I experienced something eerily similar, with my ex-husband. He, too, called himself "shy", and dreaded attending family gatherings, mine or his. Unless there was booze involved. Gatherings of friends, ditto.

    I remember going to my beloved aunt's funeral and, as I greeted my family members afterwards, he tugged at my coatsleeve like a child - "Let's get out of here". I was shocked. I was grieving, and he actually thought it was all about him, and his needs.

    Some people are socially inept, and they deserve our understanding - and at least they try. Others use "shyness" as a cover. For selfishness, and control over others. It's creepy as hell.

    My advice is - Run for the hills, woman - run away as far and as fast as you can!!
  37. Brian Dell from Stockholm, Sweden writes: Is the guy shy (introverted) or a loner (doesn't have much use for company)? If he's saying, "they don't want to talk to me" as opposed to "I don't want to talk to them" it sounds like the former.

    These guys pose two different problems. Are you are bothered by 1) the apparent maintenance the guy needs in order to be happy or 2) the guy's general detachment? If (2), there's probably not much you can do about it. If (1), in my experience that's often one of those "problems" that are, in fact, "projects" the appeal of which attracted you to the guy in the first place.
  38. Filippo Brunelleschi from Toronto, Canada writes: Maybe your friends are losers and all you want to do is hang out with them? Does he have friends? Do you hang out with them and are the life of the party? How does he interact with everyone else on the planet? Don't rush to judge a man based on he treats your friends, it could be he is tired of hanging out with them.
  39. Chris Eaton from Fredericton, writes: Speaking as an introvert myself, I'm not seeing the problem. You want to go hang out with your friends. He doesn't. If he goes, he'll be miserable, and you'll be annoyed because he's dragging everyone else down. If he stays home, you have fun, and he's happy. The answer here is obvious: go have fun, he'll be there when you get home.

    Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together.

    Judging from the comments, a lot of people here don't understand introverts at all. We're not like extroverts. We don't like dealing with lots of people for long periods of time. Its draining to deal with people, more so when they're people we don't have much in common with. We'd just as soon go find a book then deal with someone elses friends for no reason other then to "fit in", and thats not something that will change. One person suggested counselling, like some other problem is what causes it... oy.

    My wife and I have similar issues, but they're not hard to work around. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. Usually if I go, its to something that I can leave when my ability to cope starts running out. When its a family thing that I can't get out of so easily, then in exchange for dealing with that for her, the next day she leaves me alone to recharge.

    Being left alone in that case isn't a punishment or a sign of neglect, in fact it shows just how much she cares.
  40. Lana ** from Canada writes: You're how old? If in your 20s I would be wary. Has he had any episodes of depression, or abnormal behaviour? Some schizophrenia exhibits like this at its best. Before the hammer falls. I had a brother. Had a brother. He was justlikeyou describe.
  41. josef nix from Atlanta, United States writes: He's the introvert, I'm the extrovert. Opposites attract, that's what drew you to each other in the first place. We came to an understanding on this 35 years ago. So long as he knows who I'm with and is comfortable with it, go on and leave him alone to read his books and contemplate the origins and meaning of life. I can go and talk about it. When we're together, we'll share what we've learned. He's a listener and a quiet observer, two qualities this garrolous magpie envies. It's not that he's anti- or asocial, he just prefers to sit on the sidelines. Believe me, when we are at a social gathering, his quiet, caustic one-liners from the corner are the best part of the evening. In other areas, he stands as a bullwark sphinx between me and the cruel world and I'll go for the jugular for him. Family? To each his own. The introverts go to their corner and the extroverts to theirs. Most, though, float back and forth between the two. BH from TORONTO: you hit the nail on the head. "Make" him go or "Let" him stay home. If that's what's at work, introvert and extrovert is not the issue.
  42. gordon foster from Canada writes: It's time to face facts: if he doesn't like socializing with your friends or family he's not your boyfriend, he's just some guy you're sleeping with.
  43. Timber Wolf from Richmond, BC, Canada writes: As a self described brooding Nitzschean who also delves into existentinalism and historicism---and who likes a good ale or beer after work---I'll offer my two cents. I've often found that as a male, you learn a lot about a woman by observing her mother, or her friends in case the former is deceased. I recall spending time with my ex gf while she had friends along on a weekend. Suffice it to say, when I saw her in her comfort zone with her friends, I was thoroughly appalled and knew that things could never seriously be anything meaningful. It was a most bitter, lugubrious experience. A social butterfly is fun for a brief fleeting instant, but nothing more.

    BTW, anyone who dislikes Nietzsche or doesn't think that Dosotoevsky was the greatest novelist of all time is but a shall vulgar philisitine in my books.
  44. BC Philosopher from Canada writes: Lets shine a ray of light into this gloomy scene.

    I am myself a recovering introvert. Lets look at that again, by recovering yes I mean that I have changed that aspect of myself, it is possible to differing degrees I feel with everyone if the time is put in. As a child I was very much an extrovert wild curious goofy, years of my peers, teachers, and so forth sort of squished that out of me and I ended up becoming a very quiet and introverted sort. I am that quiet enigmatic guy who usually stands quietly but periodically pipes in with something very witty to get a few laughs then sits quietly again. I've begun to train that out of me, to come out of my corner, smile and shine in social situations, use my wit frequently to bring smiles and from their smiles broaden my own.

    I must admit that approach is not for everyone but I firmly believe full on introversion is a choice, our natural predalections only account for so much, much the rest is what we choose to be. It is difficult to change something so central to our sense of self but it is very possible and for me has been amazingly beneficial.
  45. The Wight from Canada writes: I'm the extrovert and my girlfriend is the opposite.

    It's fine to say that I can go, she can stay and we'll both be happy, but that doesn't always work out. The friends and family always ask why she isn't with me and regardless of how tactful my answers are, they inevitably come to their own conclusion, which is that she doesn't like them. I've chosen to go without seeing them as often as a result, but this has strained my own relationships.

    To add to that, when I do go out I tend to meet attractive, single women who have similar interests and who AREN'T big on staying home from nearly every social engagement. The pressure to leap to a more compatible model can get pretty strong some days.

    In my opinion, it's better that birds of a feather, flock together.
  46. Steve Not an Alberta Redneck from Calgary, Canada writes: It will be interesting whether this post gets as many comments as the "What Women Want - Better Sex" article. IMHO, this is a much bigger issue, but the sex issue and impressing one's girlfriends, blinds many until its too late. Many people take half a lifetime to realize that social compatibility trumps the superficial things they consider when moving in with somebody.

    I would have to question what she really sees in him. I suspect that she has difficulty catching the type of guy she thinks she deserves. This is just damage control.
  47. al goguen from Victoria, Canada writes: Didn't you notice before this weird behaviour before your married this nerd. I can`t believe that you were so much in love that your thought bib dumbo was perfect. Now either live with him or dump him. He won't change; it's in his blood, it's a normal behavior in his tribe.

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