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Family Feud

Should I let my husband have an opposite sex sleepover?

MICAH TOUB

Globe and Mail Update

Latest comment posted at 9:37 AM EST 05/08/08

A female friend of ours wants to join him at the cottage. I think it's inappropriate. Should I put my foot down? ...Read the full article

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  1. George BrownIII from Christmas Island writes: Oh my gawd so insecure! Take a pill and chill, the thought of infidelity as a game of oppurtunity is a sign of an immature relationship.
  2. Peter Walker from Canada writes: I'm not a prude, I see nothing wrong with this solution of Lynn staying with the husband, provided that there are enough beds for all - ONE EACH.

    I know that IF I were your husband, nothing would be amiss, and also can see, that there are enough older kids around who hopefully have a sense of right and wrong, that should something transpire then it would be told about immediately.

    Sometimes things are such that a break would do you both good, and rather than Lynn making better 3 egg omlettes than you, she just might not measure up!! which means more appreciation of you from hubby when he returns.

    Assuming scantily clad while about the house, I am assuming that Lynn and her hubby are quite 'grown up' so nothing would be untoward there, she would probably overdress in the mornings etc. so that any hint of unpropriety would be unfounded. I doubt IF there would be awkward moments at all.

    Somebody that really knows the kids should be along, which throws out the 'housekeeper / babysitter' theory, unless you go along yourself. You should show that you really trust both him and her to do the proper thing.

    There is one opposite thought to this whole idea,
    Seperate holidays don't work. BUT this would be a good compromise.
  3. Joe Blow from Canada writes: Dr. MacDonald is right on the money with this one - it's all related to evolutionary survival practices. I wonder if the advice would be so soft-pedaled if the genders were reversed? I'm getting sick of the way that women are constantly pandered to in the media.
  4. Patrick F from Canada writes: Unless theres reason to already believe he's cheating on you then the best way to deal with it is to just shrug it off and trust the guy. Like someone else said if theres enough older kids around they'll know something is up. Kids are much more nosy than adults at times.
  5. Anne Popoff from Canada writes: Oh for Pete's sake, why are people so insecure? He married YOU, if he's not happy, then there is nothing you can do. So much distrust cannot be good for the relationship. Also this woman is married as well, what makes you think she even finds your husband attractive? (no offense), or what makes you think she is unhappy in her relationship that SHE would want to cheat? So many ifs, please relax or if it is that important, make arrangements to be there yourself.
  6. pants 7 from Japan writes: If it was my wife going to stay it would not bother me in the slightest.
  7. Brad Richert from Vancouver, BC, Canada writes: What the people that commented above do not realize (apart from Joe Blow) is that the concern is about the possible emotional attachment and the underlying stage being set. Not only this is jealousy part of our evolutionary biology, so are our mating and social drives. No where in this article is discussed the high infidelity rates in North America, nor the studies that show that most acts of infidelity are with persons of moderate to intimate acquaintance (such as friends/co-workers).
    So sure, call her insecure. She should be. Maybe this one weekend isn't going to be an issue on the short term, but you've already given the opportunity for a one-on-one relationship between your husband and another woman. Simply because you said 'I do's' and wear a ring on your finger doesn't turn off your husband's mind from wandering. Who actually understands why we grow attached to the people we do?
  8. Philip McRae from Vancouver, Canada writes: This woman is not insecure about meeting her husbands sexual needs or loosing him to another woman. She is selfishly tied to her own insecurity as a woman period. Nothing anyone does or does not do will resolve her personal issues with her own image of herself. She should be encouraged to go along with the situation as it stands and see if she survives. She will come out of the experience with a stronger psyche. Her mind runaway with herself.
  9. The Truth Is Out There from Canada writes: if you don't trust your husband, why did you marry him????
  10. Mark Bossi from Hogtown, Canada writes: So, let me get this straight ... The wife made the decision to visit HER daughter, and invited SOMEBODY ELSE to babysit with her husband ... but, when things didn't go her way, she gets jealous? ... Give me a break. The other lady is behaving like a grownup, agreeing to help with parenting chores that the first woman has ABDICATED.
  11. Dave Toronto from Canada writes: The real issue here - is that she wants her husband to do her dirty work. If she invited te guests, and is now uncomfortable with the situation, why does she want her husband to 'break the news' to the other couple? She needs to take responsibility for her own feelings and her own actions. If she feels she is being reasonable, she should have no problem doing this ..... puting her husband in the middle is a recipe for more problems.
  12. vanessa stirling from Canada writes: Many years ago, I invited a male friend to sleep over after his place had flooded (and while they were repairing it). Neither of us was 'attached' at the time, though at different points we had been attracted to one another. My female friend was appalled. She just couldnt' understand how we wouldn't just fall into a sexual relationship with one another. At the time, I couldn't figure it out. But as I got to know her better, a few things emerged. First and foremost, her own sexual abuse at the hands of her father (which was always swept under the carpet by her family, with the excuse that he was a vietnam veteran and therefore excuses had to be made for him) and her subsequent troubled relationships with men, where even though she'd broken up with them, whenever they were together they'd sleep together. I'm not saying that's the case here; certainly for my friend it was quite extreme. But there's also far more at play than what is offered in the original scenario. And that makes it very difficult to offer any kind of advice/suggestions/approaches or whatever. This 'hardwired' thing I'm not overly convinced by. Nor am I convinced by the 'other woman stepping into the mother role' argument. But there is some other stuff underlying this situation, and the wife is not going to feel secure until that issue is addressed and resolved, no matter what other people tell her. In my opinion, it's not a problem. But then, I've also never had to deal wtih sexual infidelity in a relationship (either mine or my partner's) and I've never been sexually abused. I'm also of the opinion that if my husband were to want to get it on with another woman, he'd be more creative with finding places than trying it on a family vacation. Mark and Philip, you must have had some pretty major experiences with women, considering your opinions of them.
  13. Neon Cab from Canada writes: If you think your husband can emotionally replace you as his wife because of what some other woman may or may not cook, etc. you will also have to worry about whether your kids will look to their teachers as parents instead of you or you will be fraught with worry when your children marry and take on another family and even start their own.
    An omelette does not make a wife -- even an omelette cooked by someone who has a better profile in a bathing suit.
    For instance, my wife has taken my kids on family outings that I couldn't attend and none of those other guys (whether stronger, faster, funnier, or better skilled at whatever) would ever replace me as her husband or as our kid's father figure.
    It's not health to be so suspiscious. Get over your insecurity.
  14. Forest City from London, Canada writes: There is natural attraction b/t a male and a female. She knows it and so do we. In my opinion, she's neither insecure about her relationship nor she's failing to trust her husband. I'm not saying it WILL happen in this case....but it happens. Being together on a remote place CAN lead to emotional attraction and maybe more.

    It's better for her husband to go alone. Why create a situation that might or might not lead to another situation. Obviously, it's not emergency for the friend woman to go.
  15. Guy from Orillia ! from Toronto, Canada writes: He might dump her anyway for being such a nutjob.
  16. Trout Fish from Lake Superior, Canada writes: Come on guys! No one understands this lady? I can totally sympathize. Maybe Im crazy and immature too but so are alot of people. Perhaps including the husband and the temporary cottage wife. I guess we cant all be in secure perfect relationships like these G&M commentators.

    Given that you arent going to be able to suddenly change the aspects of your self that make you feel like this, I agree with the advice. Inviting some other people up would certainly make the situation less awkward. Building security can take a long time but it is possible. So when he gets back, you two have some serious issues to work out together.
  17. J D from Barrie, Canada writes: Hello, Some rational here is if you would trust yourself in the position. I am just recently married and I have never or would stray from my wife. I am confident that my wife would never stray from me. I have to count on my wife and she has to count on me. This is something a married couple should never have to worry about, and if one person is they should not be feeding insecurities in to their marriage. I also stand though and say that this should not happen all the time. You are married to share closeness together in life. There is some intimate details about sharing close time with people. Respectably the husband could have declined in this case, but he knows that there is nothing to worry about. Woman, all man when they are trusted and unconditionally respected and are happily in love with their wives, they only do things to try to make their wife happy. Woman support your man to make the Right choices, and we will. We will return love in ways you can never imagine. Also we do not even notice it, it then come natural. Relating to this case, this would reduce concern.
  18. J Planet from Everywhere, Canada writes: How different we are. If I were in this woman's shoes, I'd be cheering my good fortune. Another woman giving my husband attention and friendship company? Wow, what a break for me! And how refreshing for my husband. But then, I'm a believer in men needing female friendships outside of a relationship (and women needing male friendships beyond their partners). Some people prefer to be stifled and controlling. Not my cup of tea.
  19. Clutch Cargo from Canada writes: This is odd - she doesn't trust her husband to do the right thing even with the kids around?

    Sounds like she needs to tell him exactly her concern and no-one else - depending on his reaction - he will either comply or ask for a divorce.
  20. John H from Canada writes: If the wife has this concern then the husband should understand and make the changes necessary. He is after all part of that team and must make compromises as he would expect her to do so it time of need. Whether he agreed on the reasoning or not does not matter.

    And yes this is how incidents are created where at least 50% of all marriages have infidelity happen.
    And for those of you who do not agree, you are probably not attractive enough for this to happen in your world :)
  21. Kay A from Canada writes: Someone else volunteering to cook for the entire weekend? I would never say no. She's the one who will most likely make sure there is fruit/veg/water/sunscreen put on and maybe even hats being worn.
    Being a control freak is NOT an attractive trait in a spouse.
  22. Lowen Wrainger from Canada writes: No wonder chastity belts were common fare during the crusades. Nobody trusts anyone even their spouses!
  23. Michael D from Canada writes: One of the problem with evolutionary psychology that is often ignored is the EVOLVED aspect of it. If I lived by the above logic I would be having sex with all fertile females I see and would club anyone who gets in my way in life.

    This entire scenario is ridiculous. If my wife acted the way this writer does (or vice versa) I think it would be time for some counseling.
  24. Jim Blow from Canada writes: If he wasn't thinking about infidelity before, he certainly is now:)
  25. Douglas Allen from Winnipeg, Canada writes: We have here another example of trying to turn a perfectly natural response to an uncomfortable situation into a deep psychological issue.

    At first blush, this appears to be a classic case of unwarranted insecurity. After all, you acknowledge that it was your idea to invite James and Lynn and that they are both close to your step-daughter.

    However, the real issue here is James and Lynn's lack of social awareness. Whether it was clear from the outset that James would be unavailable for the weekend in question, or something came up after the invitation was accepted, the appropriate response from them would be to advise you of the situation, offer to have Lynn come anyway and leave it to you and your husband to decide whether to have Lynn come alone or invite another couple.

    I also find it odd that Lynn would insist that she do the cooking. Unless your husband is incapable of putting food on the table for his family, which raises another much deeper question, this insistence is also inappropriate, although it's possible, even probable that Lynn was simply trying to say that she would be willing to do more than just be a spotter.

    Ask your husband how he would feel if he wasn't going to be there, neither was Lynn, and James insisted on coming.

    Finally, don't be under any illusion that the 'little white lie' suggested by the 'pro' will work. Any alteration of the original plan now will be interpreted as you being uncomfortable with your husband and Lynn spending the weekend together, full stop. You will wear the consequences of James and Lynn's social ineptness and lack of respect for your territory.
  26. anonymouse Z from Canada writes: Actually, I am thinking that both women need to look at their actions. The letter writer needs to see her jealousy. Coat it whichever way you like, it is jealousy and unhealthy. Her husband married her, she needs to trust him.

    And the friends. What are they thinking about? I visit some of my male friends alone, but never a married friend whose wife is away. My husband trusts me but the friend's wife might not trust him or me. That's asking for trouble.
  27. Marty Roy from Toronto, Canada writes: This wife has a screw loose. An extra hand to take care of the kids and chores (note: KIDS SEE AND HEAR EVERYTHING)... Nothing is going to happen, either to her domestic relationship or to her husband's sexual fidelity and satisfaction. Her insecurity is exactly that; HERS. It's time to deal with that issue on a couch in a shrink's office. She should be able to rationally tell herself nothing is going to happen, in spite of her feelings. I was going to use the term misgivings, but she has to think, however errantly, to misgive or misget anything.

    What a waste of newspaper space.
  28. OLD BOLD from Canada writes:

    My grandfather had a saying that I have used and followed for the last 60 years ....

    'Never trust someone who doesn't trust'

    In business and in life it has served me well and I think that it certainly applies in this case.
  29. shoshana berman from Canada writes: It's good avice. Make sure there are other people there. She has a right to be concerned. Anyone who thinks she doesn't has their head int he sand. Divorce is what 50% and there's more infidelity and wrecked marriages that stay together than just that %. It's an easy solution and a good one. Phone other people.
  30. B Anderson from Atlantic Canada, Canada writes: Likely we don't know the whole story but it's obvious she is quite concerned about infidelity. Obviously the husband of the wife whom agreed to go and help out is not. Maybe he's being unfaithful also!!??

    I think the advice given in the article is the best advice. She has expressed her concern with her husband, he seems to think - perhaps rightly so - that she is overeacting - or maybe she has reason to be concerned based on a previous experience.

    Inviting other adults may help her feel better about the whole situation - but something could still happen regardless of the amount of adults or children around, if not physically, certainly by intent.

    The only other suggestion would be to disappoint her daughter and not visit her and go to cottage to make sure nothing happens that may be the best solution as now her husband knows she doesn't trust him. Either way she has forced the issue and they have to deal with what's causing her to feel this way. Insecurity or self confidence or perhaps her husband really is unhappy. They need to talk it out.
  31. shoshana berman from Canada writes: I also agree that the guest is being inappropriate and creepy insisting that she do the cooking and take care of the poor abandoned husband. That's weird. he's the host. He can cook and do the dishes, or the kids can. He doesnt need a sustitute wife/mother.
  32. Derek Holtom from swan river (only cowards attack others using fake names), Canada writes: this story appears in the print version of the Globe?
    doesn't seem like something a 'national' newspaper should waste ink on
  33. Another Brick in the Wall from Canada writes: ' DON BARTA from Canada writes: -

    This crap belongs on Dr. Phil - not in the G&M......'

    I agree whole heartedly with this cat. I'm sure that most humans have a few insecurities! If you are one of the people who have them, would you post a retort to the above comments? This issue is dead in the water. She is acting as most women would; except for the 10% of posters on this feed (from what I can tell). Tell the truth gentleman, you are not against the notion only because there is an IF involved. HELLO!
  34. E Stuhl from NYC, United States writes: Full trust unless given reason not to is essential. Once it's lost, it's gone forever. By stating that fact (it's not an ultimatum), this woman might be able to stand up straight & concern herself with more important issues - ones based in reality & not in her head... actually, now that I think about it, the husband would be better off with another woman.

    Heaven forbid her husband gets a new job that requires him to travel out of town on business... would she require that under no circumstances would a female colleague be allowed to travel on business trips with him???
  35. Mark H from Columbus, IN, United States writes: How is this even a question? When you get married, the mores and norms in regards to the opposite sex necissarily change. If you don't like that ....don't get married!
  36. Michael S from Canada writes: Does this mean that the excuse of infidelity is that we are all 'hard-wired' over the eons?

    What ever happened to simply choosing not to do something?

    I think this woman has a problem. I also think the visiting woman offering to be a maid has a problem.
  37. Jimmy K from Toronto, Canada writes: Listen, stop being so crazy. Unless this is a month long getaway, you think they will be sharing beds, or you think there is some infidelity issues, get over it.
  38. nick oliver from halifax, ns, Canada writes: she invited the couple, good friends of her husband's. husband can't go, so wife is coming. the entire situation is of her own making. she wants to un-make it without taking responsibility. if it really is a 'no-go' zone, she should put her foot down and live with the consequences. if it's only a 'no-go' because the invitation worked in a way not to her liking (and such situations have never before been mentioned to her husband in this 'no-go' way), she's just being manipulative.

    this is HIS friend's wife. assuming for a minute this woman even thinks of her husband's friend as attractive (which is a big 'maybe'), if you think he would risk his own marriage, that of his friend's (not just that of 'the other woman'), the respect of his own kids also in the house and his own wife's love for him, i submit that this woman has gone off the paranoid deep end with respect to her husband. a man wouldn't have to risk anywhere near this much to get action on the side if he so chose. if her unsubstantiated fear is allowed to dominate the whole situation, what does that say about all of this? she's a drama queen. she sets up a situation, it isn't put together the way she likes, so it must be destroyed using anything but the truth to explain why. if she's afraid of being so easily replaced, she's either got some issues that require some professional help or she really is setting things up to fail on purpose so she can watch the fallout from a safe distance. to confirm her suspicions.
    this whole thing strikes me as a half-full/half-empty attitude problem. this woman can't accept and revel in the fact that she will be free to do as she likes while everyone else is having their own fun. no responsibility to either husband or kids for a weekend would sound like paradise to a lot of wives. maybe her fear says more about what she's thinking about and doing with her free alone time than it does about her husband or anyone else.
  39. Norm Albert from Canada writes: Actually been there and done that. My ex wife was always very jealous of any female I even spoke with. So out of respect for our relationship I seldom had one on one conversations with any women. Problem was even after 22 yrs together she seem to get the biggest thrill out of Flirting. I did my best to ignore it until it became obvious to others and then simply changed venues. ie other recreations or locations. Then came the final straw that went something like this.... A couple we knew bought o piece of property in our area of Rec to build a cottage. At first she didn't want them' sponging of us'. That is until he started paying special attention to her. His wife seemed amused by it so I saw no need for concern. That is until I discovered he was beding most of the neighborhood. His wife showed no concern. My wife was outside herself with rage. Supposedly at his lack of discretion. Seems their was more to it then that. Hmmmm. After a few months of this and my status being reduced to that of an inconvient house guess I popped the ? A hundred accusations that suggested I was loosing it, seeing things,etc. But not once denying it. We parted ways. I found out later the couple had an 'open marriage' That adversely effect more than our relationship. My ex soon became less of a challenge for the couple and she was dropped from the menu. Her version of events for our demise to our friends was my lack of attentiveness and abuse. While I will admitt my mild manor took a turn for the worse on that single occassion, my pride in never striking a women stayed in tacked. However because I sought full solitude after the event my story was never revealed. In hindsight this couple did me a favour. Removed the cloud of doubt and showed me who my friends were. Trust is one thing Blind trust or complete faith is fool hearty.
  40. Norman Petit from Calgary, Canada writes: Use of the expression 'opposite sex sleepover' illuminates the juvenile emotional underpinnings of the writer. None of the friendships in this 'story' will escape from this unscathed unless she can put aside her fear that something is going to happen off her watch. It's a tough lesson, but the fact is that if something is going to happen - it will.
  41. R. M. from Regina, Canada writes: I was intrigued how this advice column ended. Was not the kind of advice I was expecting to see and I liked it.

    The wife invited a couple. If the woman of that husband had any 'smarts' or class at all when her husband could not go she should have gracefully declined as well. She was not invited by herself and that makes a big difference here. If I were invited someone with a partner and that partner could not go I would decline, pure and simple.

    I agree with the advice and the concerns.
  42. vanessa stirling from Canada writes: philip, I totally agree that this woman has personal demons she needs to sort out. But there's probably also more to the story that we haven't been given (see Norm Albert's post from 10:55 am for more on hidden stories). As to your comment that you talked only about her personal demons, here's a refresher of what you wrote: 'She is selfishly tied to her own insecurity as a woman period'. While it may not be what you meant to write, this does suggest that women, as a rule, are generally insecure. That's overgeneralizing, and that deserves a response.
  43. ben nevis from hamilton, Canada writes: Put more than your foot down!!!
  44. arthur landry from charlottesville, United States writes: most men say the right thing but in talking to my mates they all say they fancy putting themselves in a situation where (hopefully) the women would lose control and enjoy a playful night. That happens in the movies all the time, but I have never heard of it in real life. The woman's fears are more well founded than some would think but most guys dont have the game to pull it off.
  45. Pablo 9 from Toronto, Canada writes: Her husband trusts your husband. Why don't you?
  46. a fox from Toronto, Canada writes: 'This crap belongs on Dr. Phil - not in the G&M'

    ...so true
  47. Simon Pieman from Canada writes: This discussion is all predicated on the assumption that marriage has to be monogamous. Unofrtunately, all this assumption does is blight marriages with jealousy and insecurity. People should be married for so much more than just the sex, which let's face it gets boring and disappears after a few years anyway. (Which is why AshleyMadison was the smartest business idea for decades). If a married couple are also strong companions and friends, then a bit of extracurricular doesnt matter. That's would I would call a mature, secure relationship.
    The writer of this letter is just displaying what are, sadly, the regular insecurities of most married couples. You can't blame her -- because that's what she's been spoon fed since birth -- but if she feels this way she shouldn't be married.
  48. Philip McRae from Vancouver, Canada writes: vanessa stirling, b.s. It's exactly what I meant to write and it in no way disparages ALL women or even that one woman. ['Her' is subjective not objective, nor a reference to ALL women.] If there is more to the story than what is written it is irrelevant and conjecture. You have no excuse. The woman regardless of the situation is by her own story unsure of her own security as a married woman. Under those conditions I say, live it out, face your fears and see how well you come out the other side. Become stronger. In your knee jerk rush to condemn men you lose those who would actually support an effort to become that strong woman you aspire to.
  49. Omnibot 2000 from Canada writes: Funny how the same people who push 'evolution' as the answer to everything are also the first to recommend 'little white lies'. Just an observation.
  50. Brian Dell from Stockholm, Sweden writes: Is it just coincidence that all the 'my spouse wants to do something and I don't what my spouse doing that' letters have all been coming from women lately?
  51. CC Rider from Toronto, Canada, Canada writes: Solution???? SELL THE COTTAGE.......jerks!!!!
  52. RD Lone from Vancouver, Canada writes: I'm with Old Sam Dark. From a guy's perspective: if she is hot, then no way, if she is old, overweight and ugly, then it's probably ok.

    Too many posting here live in an idealist utopia. The only thing you have to gain is a bit of time where you don't have to do cooking, and what you could lose is much greater. Basically no one decides when they get married that they will get divorced. Likewise, nobody enters into a marriage knowing that they will cheat on their spouse. However, the divorce and infidelity rates are high. Bottom line is that crap happens, and much of it is not rationale nor planned.

    Best not to tempt fate in my opinion.
  53. vanessa stirling from Canada writes: philip, the story's not about me. If you read my post, you'd notice that I have no problem with this, and honestly, that if my husband wanted to get into another relationship, he'd figure out a way of doing it that was far more creative than a friend's wife on a family vacation. So why get worried about a vacation when he actually meets women daily at work, at the stores, in coffee shops...?
  54. m2sivam M from Canada writes: Question is... why would this lady even want to spend time just with your husband... does she herself not feel awkward? A real friend would ask you if it would be ok to spend the weekend alone with your husband at the cottage...
  55. Southside Guy from Edmonton, Canada writes: I'm surprised no one has yet commented that BOTH the husband and the wife (the letter writer) each have a daughter from a previous marriage.

    In other words, both previously experienced a failed marriage before hooking up themselves. How much you want to bet that one or both of those failed marriages was because a spouse was caught cheating?

    Or maybe one of those failed marriages was because a spouse was too insecure.
  56. Cameron Boyer from Toronto, Canada writes: As long as they've been friends for so long, and since the wife herself invited the other woman, I really don't see a problem. My girlfriend is happy to have me chill-out with her friends and her with mine.
  57. At Large from Ottawa, Canada writes: Why don't you just stay at the cottage and get your husband to go visit your daughter at camp on visitor's day? -- problem solved.
  58. jimmie rabbit from toronto, Canada writes: this is made up, right?
  59. Zhimmy Kanata from Canada writes: It sounds to me that lady that wants to come up is being really nice. Was probably looking forward to a nice weekend even if it meant she had to do some work. Chill Pill is a definite remedy here! Yes..I agree with another writer when they say that if the positions were reversed we "men" would be called "possesive" to say the least. Yes, this is not worthy of the Globe call Dr Phill!

    However, it does seem like this was imposed on them. Meaning when the guy backed out its not like they say sorry "we" can't come and then leave it to the couple to just invite the wife. Then again they obviously are worried about improper relationships. Your being awfully sure that she may want your husband....don't flatter yourself..she might consider having to tolerate him as part of the work!
  60. Robert P from Canada writes: Quote: "I'm not concerned with infidelity but I do NOT like the notion of another woman sleeping over and cooking for my husband and kids when I am not around. Opposite sex sleepovers outside of family are a total no-go with me."

    So, at least publicly, she is saying it is about how it looks? Watch him invite his buddy Joe up instead and end-up in a "Brokeback Mountain" divorce.

    Watch, now that I said that she won't let him have same-sex sleepovers either. Point is, does she trust her husband or not?
  61. Carrie-Ann K from Ottawa, Canada writes: Call it insecurity, craziness, whatever. I sympathize with her and I don't think she's in the wrong. The woman invited the COUPLE i.e BOTH of them. As soon as DH's friend declined, his wife should have done the same. My husband of 10 yrs goes away A LOT for business, sometimes for months. He has ample opportunity to romp, but then again so do I. Simply put, we don't, nor do we put ourselves in any position that might tempt us. Neither he nor I would not allow a situation like that to happen out of respect for each other, and I can say with certainty that there are very few guys who would sleep well knowing that their wives' good (female) friend's husband is insisting on being there to chop the wood and be the muscle for the weekend.
  62. Brad Pitt from United States writes: She is insecure about her friend being alone with her husband because she is banging her friend's husband already.
  63. jimmie rabbit from toronto, Canada writes: there is a solution here - the wife can slip some saltpeter into her husband's food during the week before - then, even if anything were to happen at the cottage, he would be unable to perform and that would be the end of that
  64. john smith from Canada writes: i dont get it
    why the hell would he invite another woman for a sleepover unless he wants to bang her?
    really get a clue woman
  65. Chris Edwards from Greater Sudbury, Canada writes: Something about this story stinks to high heaven.

    Two sixteen year old girls will be there and neither one can be trusted to spot out the back of the boat or be in the boat without another adult being present?

    Sounds like an excuse to get some friends up to the cottage and not be bored as the only adult.

    To me, this isn't so much about trust as it is about being totally inappropriate. I'm willing to bet the 16 year old daughter and her friend will think it a little weird, as will just about everyone else the couple knows.

    In any case, trust or no trust, knowingly setting up the conditions in which some kind of hanky panky can take place just isn't smart. $hit happens sometimes even when that wasn't your intention.

    The other woman should have declined to come as soon as her husband said he couldn't make it, but the wife should have the guts to make the call herself if she has a problem.
  66. Randal Oulton from Toronto, Canada writes: >> it's just a matter of having an adult spotter in the boat. What should we do?

    Gee lady, how about telling her she can't come to help supervise watersports, and let the kids drown. Or, cancel the whole weekend and ruin it for the kids?

    Geez, Louise. And hey, you say you're going to a camp for visitor's day. So what's that a morning / afternoon? Why aren't you up there with the rest of the time, unless you are trying to micro-control everything from a distance to prove your power. You know what, it's not always all about you.
  67. Simon Pieman from Canada writes: Chris Edwards - inappropriate is one of those over-used jargon phrases, simply meaning : "I dont like it". What you're saying is that if it were your wife up there in the cabin you'd be at home worrying whether she was playing naked Twister or other indoor sports with the guy.
    Inappropriate is in the eye of the beholder. $hit does indeed happen when men and women are alone together. And thank God for it, otherwise life would be terribnly dull. All the married moralizers on this comment board are a perfect argument for why marriage is a hopeless, miserable sham. And I bet more than 50 percent of you will end up divorced anyway. (Can't watch your spouse 24 hours a day now, can you?)
  68. Brad Pitt from United States writes: As noted, the other woman couldn't decline as she knew her husband was banging the wife who originally invited them. The day trip to to visit their other child was all a ruse
  69. Dan Fox from toronto, Canada writes: Let them go... people are so uptight it's cloying.

    Has anyone stopped for a minute to think that maybe these two want to get it on? and if they do, So What? They'll just do it somewhere else if not here.

    Sometimes a little sex on the side keeps a marriage together because the players realize it's just a bit of fun they wanted... not a new spouse.

    They've been married long enough, have kids, and are probably tired of sex with their significant other. Better that they find a little sexual gratification with someone they can trust not to screw over the family dynamic than someone unpredictable from the bar.
  70. No Name Economist With Different Ideas from Just Friends, Canada writes: Don't trust anyone in a relationship. We are human but not much better than animals. Given the opportunity we will jump at an opportunity and if we don't we grow to regret it.

    The key is not to put yourself in the position to cheat or even fatasize about it. I used to let my wife go out for girl's night out on the town with the girls from work while I watched the kids. Turns out it was girls and "guys" from work. "Don't worry though the guys are just our friends".

    Ladies for your information guys do not become your friend because they like you as a friend. They want to jump your bones. Even the funny gay guy in the office who is your friend is fighting animal instincts to jump your bones. LOL

    I didn't learn what girls night out was until it was too late. She's now with her friends permanently but I'm out with the rest of the ladies out their for girls night out. Only now I'm the friend... Beware... LOL
  71. Brad Pitt from United States writes: No Name Economist ... so have you hooked up with the funny gay guy yet ... or any of his leather studded friend?
  72. Chris Edwards from Greater Sudbury, Canada writes: Simon Pieman from Canada writes: Chris Edwards - inappropriate is one of those over-used jargon phrases, simply meaning : "I dont like it". What you're saying is that if it were your wife up there in the cabin you'd be at home worrying whether she was playing naked Twister or other indoor sports with the guy."

    I know exactly what inappropriate means, so don't be smug. Having this woman up to the cottage isn't any more appropriate for two married people than jetting off to France together would be. Whether I worry about my wife banging the male friend is actually beside the point - I wouldn't.

    But to me this just crosses a line of propriety that shouldn't be crossed. Incidentally, the divorce rate is closer to a third than it is to 50%, and the "married moralizers" on this board may know a little something about marriage that you don't.
  73. Steve Not an Alberta Redneck from Calgary, Canada writes: I think the letter writer should understand that when there is some hanky panky going on, people sneak around behind your back. This sounds innocent to me.
  74. Brad Pitt from United States writes: Naked Twister - can someone post the rules - I have this friend who is going up to a cottage this weekend and she wantes to play with her best friend's husband.
  75. dick brown from missy, Canada writes: Divorce rate is ~37%, with marriages decreasing every year as people choose no marriage or common law. No marriage is the best option for wealthy young businessmen until the family laws change in Canada. Sweden, the socialist utopia has the highest divorce rate....~54%...of course, divorce rates don't gactor in the folks, both male and female that are absolutely miserable in their marriages....this misery rate is probably in excess of 80%.
  76. Simon Pieman from Canada writes: Chris Edwards: Im sure your marriage is just fine and I wouldnt judge it (or anyone else's) But "propriety" - another word that ranks right up there with "inappropriate" in the Grand Pantheon of The Uptight. Everyone should read Dan Fox's post - the only person on here apart from my good self who has judged this situation humanistically and with a dose of reality.
  77. Brad Pitt from United States writes: Dan fox is right - and he should know as I banged his wife last week
  78. Wandering Willy from Kelowna, Canada writes: Wow.......I just don't know where to begin on this one. The whole have someone else cooking for my family thing kills me.....guess she never has eaten out at a restaurant, over at friends and definately does not have a "servant/cook/nanny" in her house.
    The fact that everyone involved but her seems to have no issue is also interesting. Makes me wonder if she is pulling her load at the old house hold and is concerned that her family will find out what a horrible cook she is OR she is not doing the hubby and that the REAL reason she is concerned is because he will be around a virile woman. She is certainly connecting a lot of dots to come to the conclusion (she says it not the reaso but come on) that her hubby and his/her friends wife will get it on at ye ole cabin.
    Bottom line is she has some real issues and the fact she wants HIM to cover up and potentially LIE for her is pathetic.
    WOW
  79. A. W. from Canada writes: NOTHING LIKE A GAME OF HIDE THE SAUSAGE IN THE PANINI..OR
    NAKED CHARADES..."FIRST WORD. SOUNDS LIKE SNOW. SECOND WORD
    SOUNDS LIKE COB....."

    EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET BENT....
  80. Craig Cooper from Toronto, writes: Boneage!
  81. Brad Pitt from United States writes: Okay, pass on the rules for "hide the sausage" too - this could be a long, hard weekend.
  82. BC Philosopher from Canada writes: Someone quoted "Don't trust people who do not trust" That is wise advice if taken with a grain of salt. I myself am someone who does not trust people which is precisely why I understand the mindset. Generally people who are not trusting expect others to decieve and betray ,as a result it can become easy for them to rationalize any similar behaviour of their own. "Well Janet is probably cheating on me with Steven so I may as well sleep with Linda", and so forth. But this is not an iron clad rule. Some people such as myself have other variables that prevent them from acting in this way, generally its a question of ones personal value system. If someone were completely devoid of a sense of consequence through rationalization or otherwise they become a sociopath. Myself I was fortunate or unfortunate enough to have been brought up with a very strong moral code and a firm sense of right and wrong. As a result although I generally consider people to be untrustworthy I do not hold myself to the same standard as my expectations of others, I hold myself to a much higher bar. Sometimes the most trustworthy person you can ever meet is someone who believes humanity is deceiptful but chooses rise above that. All cynics and pessimists were once dreamers and optimists who were educated by the realities of the world. Some come out harder, some come out softer and kinder, and some come out seeking and wandering. Show a cynic that you love them unconditionally and you will find a lover whose devotion to you will be divine. Trust is the currency of the soul.
  83. A. W. from Canada writes: YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH CONDOMents.
    PICKLES, HOT PEPPERS AND SOME NICE TOASTY BUNS..
    THEN YOU NEED TO SEND THE TEENAGERS FOR ICECREAM..
    GRAB THE ZIGZAGS,THE STASH AND MAKE A DASH TO THE BBQ.
    ONCE THE HEAT IS UP AND THE BEVIES ARE COOL, YOU PUT THE
    SUASAGE IN THE BUNS(DRESSED OR PLAIN) AND THEN SHE CONSUMES
    THAT SPICY MEAT..CIALIS MAKES FOR SECONDS..
  84. Some Guy from Canada writes: I'd get a divorce or, better yet, have never married an insecure woman in the first place.
  85. D Scully from Canada writes: The woman who submitted the question is insecure and needs to deal with it. The advice she received was good - self-reflection is a good idea to determine where the insecurity stems from. Instead of feeling threatened by another woman taking on perceived "mom" duties, she should thank her lucky stars Lynn is stepping in to help, even without her partner James, and the writer should send a gift basket of thanks - in advance. Lynn sounds kind enough to bring the basket up to the cottage to share.

    Everybody relax.
  86. SusieQ 321 from Toronto, Canada writes: methinks the world has been watching too much swingtown... I wonder how many of the people on here calling this women overprotective and a witch were the same ones who said that the guy should dump his girlfriend for wanting to have an opposite sex hotel overnight with a friend who had expressed interest her... not her in him (hotels do come with multiple beds and in some cases rooms)

    Men and Women don't need cottages and hotel trips to cheat if they want to cheat there are many means and ways of doing it.... and they will cheat if they aren't going to cheat they aren't going to cheat.... and a cottage/hotel room etc won't entice them to cheat.
    Do you trust your husband or not? IF so then let him go and he will come back to you unsullied and raving about a weekend of post cottage bliss.
  87. Brad Pitt from United States writes: Oh Lynn will be sharing a lot more - her frutiful basket will be tasted a few times by the women's husband
  88. Pamela McIntyre from Edmonton, Canada writes: Well as i see it your right to have these feelings. I absolutely would not allow it. TEMPTATION IS A SCARY THING!!!!!!!!! He is going to see a lot of things he shouldn't see. Her walking around the cottage in who knows what, when the kids go to bed where are they going to being together. There are some questions you have to ask yourself. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years married 2. I am a firm believer of not putting yourself in a situation especially if it makes you uneasy and indoubt. Yes I do agree with you inappropriate it is. Marriage is a serious thing, when you make vows you keep them. I think that if your husband and this woman share this cottage putting them in a situation for anything possible to happen is not a good idea for no reason. Whether there are feelings right now or not; feelings do arise. The best thing to do is to not let it happen. My husband is never alone with a woman alone and the same for me I am never alone with another man unless it is my family. Even a friend could turn into somthing more. I can't tell you what to do, but I believe that marriage is a very sacred thing. If he can't get nobody else postphone plans or have him just go alone with the kids. Movies are not just movies these things really do happen in real life. Simply talk to him and tell him your concerns again. Go with your heart! God Bless!
  89. celia souza from Ottawa, Canada writes: Couple was invited.
    Husband cannot attend.
    Wife should decline.
    This is BASIC common sense.
    If this woman ignored this
    rule, what else will she ignore
    once at the cottage?
  90. Brad Pitt from United States writes: Pamela, you must be either one very hot blooded women or really hot to be worried about being alone with another man.
    You really need to have a diversion - may I suggest a game of "hide the sausage" with A.W.
  91. Pamela McIntyre from Edmonton, Canada writes: Celia right on the money.
    I hope you absolutely skip the men who were giving you sick and inappropriate advice.
  92. Simon Pieman from Canada writes: Who needs the Taliban to whip up thoughts of hell fire about being alone with a member of the opposite sex when you've got Pam McIntyre? Her husband must be the happiest man alive.
  93. varun xm from toronto, Canada writes: Gah! this is SO prudish.

    one blessed thing about quebec is that one doesnt fetishize the opposite sex. it's quite common to be in a hostel or a cabin and it's totally ok for members of opposite sex to sleep in the same room without any chastity belts.

    and that example from the 100 million year old cave man just about adds the nuts to this piece of cheese.
  94. A. W. from Canada writes: I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD PUT ON SIMON AND GARFUNKEL'S
    CECILIA....

    Making love in the afternoon with cecilia
    Up in my bedroom (making love)
    I got up to wash my face
    When I come back to bed
    Someones taken my place

    Celia, youre breaking my heart
    Youre shaking my confidence daily
    Oh, cecilia, Im down on my knees
    Im begging you please to come home
    Come on home