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The results are in, let the groaning begin.
The winner of the 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening line to an imaginary novel has just been announced.
It goes to Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer from Washington, for the following entry.
“Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped, 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.' ”
The competition, organized by San Jose State University, honours the memory of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), who opened his 1830 novel Paul Clifford with the famous words: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
While Mr. Spik emerged as the overall winner, there were many other cringe-inducing entries in a variety of categories.
In the adventure genre, Shannon Wedge of New Hampshire triumphed with this effort: “Leopold looked up at the arrow piercing the skin of the dirigible with a sort of wondrous dismay – the wheezy shriek was just the sort of sound he always imagined a baby moose being beaten with a pair of accordions might make.”
Entries are submitted electronically through the contest's website (www.butler-lytton.com), making the competition open to submissions from around the world. Thus Simon Terry of Crawley in southern England took the cake (so to speak) for historical fiction.
“As she watched the small form swing backwards and forth from the crystal chandelier – hands on hips, sniffing the air and squeaking inaudibly – it suddenly became clear to Madame de Pompomme that she had done the wrong thing asking Jacques to find and bring back her long-lost sister: For, whilst her coterie would doubtless be enchanted for a short while, the novelty of Janine having been raised by bats since the age of 2 in caves of the northwest Congo would soon wear off in 17th-century France.”
But what of romance? Jeanne Villa of Novato, Calif., struck gold with this offering.
“Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.”
And for brevity, if nothing else, Barry J. Drucker of Bentonville, Ark., received a miscellaneous dishonourable mention for this: “She had the kind of body that made a man want to have sex with her.”
And Canada wasn't shut out of the honours. Also receiving a miscellaneous dishonourable mention was Sarah Totton of Owen Sound, Ont., who penned these fittingly icy lines: “The penguin stood on the iceberg, cutting a striking black-on-white profile, much like the silhouette produced by a person standing behind a screen in front of a bright light while holding up a Twinkie to represent the penguin and placing it atop a Yorkshire terrier to represent the iceberg.”
